The Dragonflies are here again....

For some reason, I found myself almost back to where I was 2 years ago...

I'm working till 9-10pm again.

I found the old playlist I used to listen to in IA.

I'm alone again.

It's as though things came full circle.

Except I'm in a new company. And I've had my heart given a little bit of hope, then thrown into a liquid nitrogen-filled grinder, made more brittle than ice, and then crushed to powder.

And I'm even writing on little pieces of paper again. Lest I forget who I am, what I thought, and what I wanted to say.

Even the dragonflies are showing themselves to me again.

And what I'm feeling is bittersweet...

He was almost always too busy for me... it felt even more so when I was feeling really down, and/ or stressed and/ or sick. It came to a point where sometimes I wouldn't even tell him, cos it wasn't going to make any difference anyhow.

And despite all his many proclamations of devotion and romanticism, I've been left bare... and cold...

Too many empty promises... and too many impatient cries of, 'have some patience'.

Too much heartbreak all over the place, while I'm left empty and cold and fragile inside.

Too much frustration and despair, after every major fight, or cold war, while he scrolls his mental Rodolex on to 'Next'. Yes, I could do the same, but I didn't want to.

Too much crying myself to sleep, while he turns to and..... chats with the elaines and the maries and the next cutesy almond-eyed chinadoll thingamabobs with the what are you doings and/ or the what are you wearings and/ or the where are you nows and the you're looking goods.... while i'm huddled alone in my sleep, getting colder and emptier on the inside....

Listening to my friend talk about her relationship and her marriage made me sad...

Reflecting on what I had been, made me sadder still... am I to only be the emotional crutch while he brings his dreams and hopes and smiles and laughter and warmth elsewhere?

And when they're done, I'm always there. 

And he talks to them who's never known me, who's never really known our story, who never bore witness to the sudden beginning and to the painful end, and all they think I am is the girl who's... ALWAYS THERE.

I've always been there. Through the sadness, through the frustration, through the despair, through the depression, through the bad dreams, through the illnesses.

I've always been there. Battered, bruised, cut wide open. Pulverised.

I built myself up. So I could always be there.

I've always been there.

Yes, in his own way he loves me. But perhaps, we have such irreconcilable differences when it comes to our ideas of love and relationships.

Things may have come full circle. But nothing will ever be the same again. Not after all of these.

The dragonflies... they show themselves to me again. Perhaps it's an omen.

Perhaps there's hope and redemption for me in a fresh new start away from here.