the post on verk-full time shit cleaner, part time ******-er.

forewarned is forearmed.

I AM GOING TO BITCH.

there's been wayyyy too much things to bitch about of late, but i just hadn't had the time to.

so tonight, i will just bitch about work.

close friends would know i've got a new job. same line. bigger company. and yeah, i can see myself working here for awhile despite the heavy workload, and considering it's a bigger company, the chances for shitty office politics would be exponential to the size of the company. that's the formula that every fresh grad should've been armed with after leaving university.

but when i went for the interview, i took the offer because:

1. i could feel the winds of change starting to sweep the company. with some tenacity, i would be able to ride that wave. it was the same feeling i had in january 2008 even before the old company ran one of their infamous surveys.

2. this year would be MY year. FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE. if i KNOW i can, i WILL. i can't keep rolling around in life being unsure of who i am and what i want.

3. i happen to LIKE this work. it stresses me out, but it also makes me feel vital and alive.

4. i've had really sucky bosses. remember the one who was sexually frustrated and deprived? yep. too bad he paid my wages. i'd have ground him to smithereens otherwise. the things i said to people i used to date... i swear you don't wanna know. i've also had crazy insecure supervisors. it totally kills whatever motivation and/or passion and/or creativity you have. but at the interview, i sensed that this director may throw me over the deep end and just watch while i sink or swim, and would never take the initiative to guide me, but she would if i asked for help. and she would never hamper my desire for growth. and that's how i work best. and this is one of the main reasons i took this job.

5. for some strange reason.... good things come to me when i least expect it. or look for it. so from what i've gone through... i've learnt to trust the cosmic powers that push things into my lap, and never shoot the goose (that bore the egg) or look a gift horse in the mouth.


so what is it i wanna bitch about? yeah, office politics. surprise surprise.... thank god this is a colleague, and not a boss. if it were a superior, i'd pack my bags and leave. no point staying at a dead-end job.

this is WAR.

what did she do to piss me off majorly?

1. manage a project terribly, and steal me when i'm not brought in for her job.

2. throw a shitty project in my lap halfway through without a proper briefing and expect me to clean up shit.

3. never really answers questions on HER job when i ask her for explanations (remember i was barely briefed, and do not have all the materials) but sends me a really lovely email instead.

4. doesn't provide full information on what needs to be done, and expects me to take the fire on her behalf from the boss and the client on HER incompetency.

5. bitches about me behind my back when the boss tells her off about how badly she handled the project

6. bitches to everyone behind my back when i was complimented for cleaning up her shit well and was rewarded for it.

7. ignores me completely unless it's to do with work ever since.

seriously, i'm obsessive-compulsive, takes pride in what i do because i hardly have a life, and i consider my work an extension of myself, and yes, in some things, i'm a downright perfectionist. so what was she expecting... for me to screw up big time? just cos i'm new and entered a junior in comparison, doesn't mean i've never worked before and would allow myself to be pushed around.

oh yes, i keep quiet and don't say anything. but that's only because i'm no fool. never reveal all your cards until you've found out enough to know which card to pull for whom. fuck you if you think i'm sneaky. i've learnt this lesson the VERY hard way. life has thrown me too many curveballs for me to not take life's lessons seriously.

i may be a hard-head, but i ain't no fool.

i'm no apple-polisher, either, and right now, i just zone out when she starts being nasty... but i have a temper, a nasty one at that, and when i lose it, you won't want to be even a spectator. besides, the director didn't get to be a director by being an idiot. she knows who works and who doesn't.

so i'll just bide my time and wait for karma to come around on my behalf.

**

on another note, i really miss my old friends. we had a mini chat room the other day over messenger. and damn, how far we've come. how far more we have to go. and how the same roots still bind us.

i miss you girls. singapore, sarawak, japan, london, america. there is no glass ceiling. the only limitations we would ever have are the ones we impose on ourselves. we can go anywhere and do anything and reach any height if we wanted it badly enough. we are great like that :) we're fine wine. the real deal. we were gutsy girls and now we're gutsy women.

cheers! 10 years out of school. we did pretty well for ourselves :)

Fragments

Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people. Sometimes it's the distance between oneself and his emotions. And sometimes it's between a fallen one and salvation.

**

Have you ever had one of those moments, when all you wanted to do was disappear? Just. Disappear. Into the swirling, churning vortex of oblivion. Get lost in a city of billions. Drown in a sea of faces. Hide in the darkest shadows. Be common. Be nothing. Faceless. Nameless. Soulless. Nothingness.

**

Endless: Destiny, Death, Dream, Desire, Despair, Delirium, Destruction. Neil Gaiman is a genius. Dark, disturbing, but a genius nonetheless.

**

Boundaries...
At some point you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out.
They fence you in. Life's messy.
That's how we're made.
So you can waste your lives drawing lines,
Or you can live your life crossing them.

There was a time I related so well with some of the lines from Grey's Anatomy.

I'd rather live my life building bridges rather than erecting walls.... so explain to me why at times I feel an overwhelming need to build up my defenses. I'm not into attacking, most times I prefer to be left alone. But that never really works. So to avoid being completely crushed, I've always had to be constantly cautious, even defensive. And when I let down my guard occasionally, experience has taught me that it is, more often than not, a very bad move. So over and over again, after each crushing defeat, the defenses go up, higher with each subsequent time, faster in its rebuilding, thicker and stronger. And then up go the armaments.

I wish this weren't so. But tell me, how do I balance self-preservation and building bridges? Perhaps someday I'd have my answer that's out of the box. But for now, it's a terrible quandary.

**

I'm guessing it's either make it, or break it.