Everytime I see you falling....

It's been a long long time since I felt like this. Well, maybe not that long. A year, perhaps?

I feel like turning off my phone, rid myself of all communication, take a long long drive somewhere away from people and just watch the sea. Or the mountains. Or the rivers.

Maybe even take a flight back to my hometown, just to sleep in my own bed. And watch the rambutan tree outside, with the carefree birds chirping in it. But then again, my parents would question me.

And what is there for me to say?

I feel sad. And torn. I wonder why so many things elude me. And opening up the gates to past experiences also mean reopening old wounds. And the resignation that comes with it.

And not being able to speak out about things that matter to the one that matters just adds to the resignation that I may have to choose solitude after all.

It's been raining more on than off for the past 2 days. Most days I love the rain. I do too, today. But it's also not helping with the mood. The heavy rain just feels like sorrow.

Spoke to spuddie the other day. And it felt good to talk to someone who understands without having to say much. Perhaps because it's been there done that for spud.

Sigh.

Why can't things be just a little simpler? For once? Too many trials by fire would have one combust sooner or later.

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say

New Order -- Bizarre Love Triangle

Don't ask me why but I've always loved this song.

Fragments

Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people. Sometimes it's the distance between oneself and his emotions. And sometimes it's between a fallen one and salvation.

**

Have you ever had one of those moments, when all you wanted to do was disappear? Just. Disappear. Into the swirling, churning vortex of oblivion. Get lost in a city of billions. Drown in a sea of faces. Hide in the darkest shadows. Be common. Be nothing. Faceless. Nameless. Soulless. Nothingness.

**

Endless: Destiny, Death, Dream, Desire, Despair, Delirium, Destruction. Neil Gaiman is a genius. Dark, disturbing, but a genius nonetheless.

**

Boundaries...
At some point you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out.
They fence you in. Life's messy.
That's how we're made.
So you can waste your lives drawing lines,
Or you can live your life crossing them.

There was a time I related so well with some of the lines from Grey's Anatomy.

I'd rather live my life building bridges rather than erecting walls.... so explain to me why at times I feel an overwhelming need to build up my defenses. I'm not into attacking, most times I prefer to be left alone. But that never really works. So to avoid being completely crushed, I've always had to be constantly cautious, even defensive. And when I let down my guard occasionally, experience has taught me that it is, more often than not, a very bad move. So over and over again, after each crushing defeat, the defenses go up, higher with each subsequent time, faster in its rebuilding, thicker and stronger. And then up go the armaments.

I wish this weren't so. But tell me, how do I balance self-preservation and building bridges? Perhaps someday I'd have my answer that's out of the box. But for now, it's a terrible quandary.

**

I'm guessing it's either make it, or break it.