Courage in the Face of Fear

Courage in the Face of Fear

Thursday, November 9, 0347 hours

This blog is emotional and ponderous :P , and partially inspired by recent events and long evaluation (a result of nothing better to do :P). I doubt the person who inspired it reads my blog, but even so, I'm writing it anyway :P I need writing's cathartic effect to exorcise some personal demons.
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There are days when I wish I were five again. Running around full of zest for life. Life was a wonder to explore. Everything was fresh, new, uncomplicated. And fear was not in the dictionary. Now that I am older, there are so many things to fear. Was it experiences that taught me that? Or was fear an acquired experience in itself?

Fear. What's the ultimate fear? Possibly the fear of failure. What I fear is the intangible things. What I fear most is, yes, precisely that. The fear of failure. The failure to see what is there. The failure to see what is NOT there. The failure to do what is right. The failure to SEE what is right. The failure to let go when I should. The fear of failure. I fear it. I have fallen into a depression so dark and so deep, I'm still learning how to handle the ramifications of it. Sometimes, the incident that caused it still gives me nightmares, and makes me wake up in the still of the night, shivering in cold sweat. That fear. That fear has driven contless people to suicide, some mistakenly thinking suicide to be the braver option in comparison to facing harsh, cold reality.

But, I wonder, is suicide really the better option? Me, being a Catholic, might not be a good judge of that, my thoughts on suicide certainly having been coloured by my faith. Suicide, in the eyes of the Catholic Church, is gravely forbidden by the fifth commandment, as 'it is a grave offense against the just love of God, of self and of neighbour' (methinks). Didn't the Bible call our body the temple of God?

Personally, I think suicide a short-sighted solution. It is, quite possibly, the ultimate sign of cowardice. For instance, say if Person A wants to commit suicide due to something that happened between Person A and Person B, has A ever thought of how his particular actions might affect B? So A was temporarily insane when he contemplated suicide, and in a moment of pure selfishness thought it was the easiest way all around, but did he ever think to wonder of how B would feel should he have taken his own life? There's a sad but beautiful song called 'Whiskey Lullaby' that describes the consequences of suicide pretty well. If B were me, I'd have loved to be sarcastic and tell A: 'Please, don't murder yourself on my account, I'd hate to have your guilt and death burdening my conscience.' Yes yes, I is stubborn, arrogant, elitist, moralistic *bleep*. Not to mention tude and crude as well. I know, I know, poor A would probably have jumped off a cliff there, thinking: 'B HATES ME!! I HATE ME!!' :P

Hrmm... I really do think coming face-to-face with our own weaknesses and faults, admitting we're wrong, taking responsibility for the ramifications of our own actions, and trying to get help to help ourselves is a way more difficult, painful and courageous option.

THAT is courage in the face of fear. And that's what I'm working towards. I hope I'm getting there.

When I decided to take a hiatus from blogging on the counsel of a dear and trusted friend due to her concerns, it was quite painful to hear what she had to say. But I listened, I contemplated, and I learnt. I hope I'm a better person for it. She wasn't all correct about me, but I wasn't all correct about me, either :) She doesn't quite understand how I need my writing for it's cathartic effect, though deeply personal, but I know what she was trying to say about not putting it all out there and finding options for my negative 'qi'.

We all need time to heal. This year is a year of many losses for me. It's a personal 'cleaning out my closet' year. And my... what cobwebs I find :P But all is not lost, however. I counted my blessings. And they were good. I'm counting my blessings still. Hopefully by the end of the year, the proverbial 'ka-ching' of the proverbial cash register would register a net gain.

:) Always look on the bright side of life and do not hold grudges, I think. It only serves to eat you up inside and make you bitter, angry, resentful, hateful. And in the end you loathe yourself as much as the one you loathe. No good for personal karma :) So I learn to let go. Better to let go of something that's making you feel sad, learn from it, and move forward than to hold on to that sadness and stay in a rut, isn't it? Careful, though. Moving forward and looking forward are two very different things. I think Bren and June would agree. Hor? :)

When one has fallen to the deepest end of the pit, there's no more way to go, but up, right? When in trouble (end of pit), wallowing in self-pity (avoiding the issue, getting angry, feeling sorry for myself) has never done me any good. Two wrongs never made a right. I have to get my hands dirty, sort through my shit (climbing my way up and out) and struggle to set myself free (getting out of said pit). Not easy is an understatement.

But I take comfort in knowing that Christ Himself suffered in His Paschal Mystery (His passion and death on the cross for us). You think He had it easy? :P When He suffered and died, He was true Man, and experienced the same pain we would have felt. When He conquered His fears, thus conquering death, that was when the Incarnate Son in accomplishing His divine plan, became the embodiment of true God. Which is why Christians the world over proclaim Christ to be both true Man and true God. The way of the Cross is filled with thorns, and like Simon of Cyrene, we stumble and fall along the way. But I think we shouldn't be discouraged. I'm not exactly good Christian example. In fact, I think I suck. Big time. I do, sometimes, try to incorporate Christianity into my day-to-day living. 'Cos that's what it means to be Christian, to me. There's more to Christianity than MLM-type church-planting. Christianity should encompass every facet of living.

And certainly, from all that I've learnt and experienced so far, Christianity is never the easier option. It is a struggle. I may have my own differences about the Church's stand on many issues, and those who know me well know about my concerns regarding organised religion and absolutism in its purest form, but I do agree with their stand regarding the sanctity of human life, human dignity, and thus, suicide. We should have the courage to work through our issues. Don't take the coward's way out. We might get burnt a little for it, but we shall come out on the other side burnished and tinged with maturity, having gone through trial and purification by fire. Life is scarier than death, really. With life comes great power. And we all know the popular quote on power. With great power, comes great responsibility. And that is the scary bit, isn't it?

Wouldn't you agree, though? What is there to fear about death? Apart from the sorrow of leaving behind what we know and love, and worked for. And having those we leave behind who love us feel sadness that we've gone. For me, it is in death that we celebrate life. Because what do we leave behind in our deaths? What legacy would we have left? It is the memory of us that is carried on in the hearts and minds of the friends that we have made. That memory is what outlives us.

I know I am being morbid here, but hey, I'm weird, right? Like I told a friend, I'm normal enough to know I'm weird, but weird enough to not really care. I shouldn't let society's norms dictate what makes me happy :D I should find my own path, and go out in a blaze of glory! ;)

And I hope that at my death, I would have touched enough people in my life to be remembered with fondness. And my friends would give me a 'MOVING, SOULFUL EULOGY'... Yes?.... Girls?......... Ermmm.... Boys?.......... *deafening...... magnanimous....... SILENCE........* me: sighs..... :P

Currently listening to: Brad Paisley, Alison Krauss-Whiskey Lullaby

Currently reading: Compendium of the Catechism of the Catholic Church

Currently craving for: Pork trotters in soy sauce and black vinegar :P