Lost

I'm glad...

that the two hills have arisen... and the coalition is sliding down the slope fast...

but not fast enough, imho... still, it's better than nothing...

this place is quickly going up in flames, and I'm not sure where to turn for comfort...

Question

I guess... what I want to know is... have I made any difference at all in your life?

Angels On The Moon

A friend sent this song my way today...

Do you dream, that the world will know your name?

So tell me your name (tell me your name)

Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all? (or anything at all)

I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel (I wanna feel)

I wanna a sunburn, just to know that I'm alive

To know I'm alive (to know I'm alive)

Don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know

If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go

Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon

Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

Do you believe, in the day that you were born?

Tell me, do you believe? (do you believe)

And do you know, that every day's 

The first of the rest of your life?

Don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know

If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go

Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon

Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

This is to one last day in the shadows

And to know a brother's love

This is to New York City angels

And the rivers of our blood

This is to all of us, to all of us

So don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know

If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go

Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon

Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

Yeah, you can tell me all your thoughts

'Bout the stars that fill polluted skies

And show me where you run to

When no one's left to take your side

But don't tell me where the road ends

'Cause I just don't wanna know, 

No I don't wanna know

Don't tell me if I'm dying

Don't tell me if I'm dying

Don't tell me if I'm dying

~Thriving Ivory's Angels On The Moon~

The Dragonflies are here again....

For some reason, I found myself almost back to where I was 2 years ago...

I'm working till 9-10pm again.

I found the old playlist I used to listen to in IA.

I'm alone again.

It's as though things came full circle.

Except I'm in a new company. And I've had my heart given a little bit of hope, then thrown into a liquid nitrogen-filled grinder, made more brittle than ice, and then crushed to powder.

And I'm even writing on little pieces of paper again. Lest I forget who I am, what I thought, and what I wanted to say.

Even the dragonflies are showing themselves to me again.

And what I'm feeling is bittersweet...

He was almost always too busy for me... it felt even more so when I was feeling really down, and/ or stressed and/ or sick. It came to a point where sometimes I wouldn't even tell him, cos it wasn't going to make any difference anyhow.

And despite all his many proclamations of devotion and romanticism, I've been left bare... and cold...

Too many empty promises... and too many impatient cries of, 'have some patience'.

Too much heartbreak all over the place, while I'm left empty and cold and fragile inside.

Too much frustration and despair, after every major fight, or cold war, while he scrolls his mental Rodolex on to 'Next'. Yes, I could do the same, but I didn't want to.

Too much crying myself to sleep, while he turns to and..... chats with the elaines and the maries and the next cutesy almond-eyed chinadoll thingamabobs with the what are you doings and/ or the what are you wearings and/ or the where are you nows and the you're looking goods.... while i'm huddled alone in my sleep, getting colder and emptier on the inside....

Listening to my friend talk about her relationship and her marriage made me sad...

Reflecting on what I had been, made me sadder still... am I to only be the emotional crutch while he brings his dreams and hopes and smiles and laughter and warmth elsewhere?

And when they're done, I'm always there. 

And he talks to them who's never known me, who's never really known our story, who never bore witness to the sudden beginning and to the painful end, and all they think I am is the girl who's... ALWAYS THERE.

I've always been there. Through the sadness, through the frustration, through the despair, through the depression, through the bad dreams, through the illnesses.

I've always been there. Battered, bruised, cut wide open. Pulverised.

I built myself up. So I could always be there.

I've always been there.

Yes, in his own way he loves me. But perhaps, we have such irreconcilable differences when it comes to our ideas of love and relationships.

Things may have come full circle. But nothing will ever be the same again. Not after all of these.

The dragonflies... they show themselves to me again. Perhaps it's an omen.

Perhaps there's hope and redemption for me in a fresh new start away from here.

In Emily

We were talking, a few friends and I.

And somehow, the discussion led to love and marriage and sex.

Then one of them gave me thought...

For those who've never truly been in love, perhaps it's hard to fathom, much less to swallow.

Why would anyone, if there were major grouses, want to get married to their partner?

If he brags he's all romantic, but he's never done anything truly worthwhile that points to that direction at all, after many moons of being together?

If he's thoughtless and always forgetful, why bother?

If sex with him is not that great after all, then why?

Are there ever any real answers to love and relationships?

At least she knows he's too goody-two-shoes he wouldn't look at another. And I was quiet. I have no response about that.

I wonder why we go on when things seem so futile, so fruitless. When many times, the frustration and despair seem to completely overwhelm. When we wish we could harden our hearts and just walk away without looking back.

So why do we trudge along when there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel? Are we to bump blindly in the dark for eternity?

She said so herself, it didn't get better after marriage. 

I look at her, and I wonder what strength she has to have married him. To still want to try. 

Do I have that?

The Words in My Head

She speaks as though she spoke the words in my own head.

I suppose it takes a certain amount of a certain type of experience to be able to know how it truly feels like....Thank you, stranger.

I Hear You..

I learned early this morning that,

When what you really want is clear and apparent to you,

You will go out to achieve it, inevitably - especially,

When success is almost there; but not quite,

The hunger of want drives you into action.

I also learned that happiness is my own responsibility,

Pushed independence and lack of empathy only pushes me away,

Neither here or there,

Like words unsaid is not necessarily buried or explained,

Evolving into strange thoughts in my head.

Pain only hardens my heart,

Silence doesn't mean it's solved,

Loneliness and all things bittersweet make me my own,

When waiting is the hardest thing,

Isolation where there should be oneness.

I also learned that familiarity makes one feel more at home,

Though experience should never be compared,

Cause matters of the heart is always complicated:

It takes years to build a strong foundation,

One word to bring it all crashing down.

External wounds close up, sometimes leaving a scar,

Internal wounds cuts deep, leaving a hole,

Only time can tell, only time can heal,

Give, give, give until you are the desert,

Give because the taking doesn't seem to stop.

But when you give freely, you shouldn't expect,

Even when you shouldn't, it is only human,

If not an ear, a grace giving heart?

Wisdom to understand? To be on common ground at least?

Compromise maybe?

To love or not to love,

To guard protectively or let go,

To be silly and young, because it keeps you alive,

Bite your tongue to save a few,

Spew justifications to etch your own.

I wish to listen without emotion,

Cause only then I really hear you,

Without condemnation, hurling of hurts,

Without solutions, just being there, just sharing the intimacy,

A place to vent, cry, lean on, be comforted and be filled with hope....

If I can't.... God can.

Blog Trawling... and the Male vs. Female perspective

I haven't been out trawling blogs for a long while... and this morning, while waiting, I went to visit a friend's blog...

If you're one of those idiots who ask me things like: What makes women think that men want to be anything else other than what they are? Well, this particular blog, and my response should be enough: What makes men think they can have everything without a little sacrifice? Women do not ask you to be completely different, but to make steps to be a BETTER person.

Here is her blog, from a married perspective...

I suppose she was writing about her disappointment (and mind you, she was a newly minted newly-wed) of how things do not necessarily change (despite many promises) for the better after marriage. People make their own choices whether or not to change. Other people may nag, but ultimately.... if a person wants to be a stubborn mule, they would remain one. 

People can promise the moon and stars, but action speaks louder than words.

Do take note, italics and bold and different colour/ font sizes were her own emphasis, not mine.

Why I'm not releasing her name, or her link, is because she chose to remain anonymous, writing with a moniker, and I'm not having the same morons who come to MY site to bitch about ME, go over to hers and throw the same kind of tantrum.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

V-Day

Nothing. (Ok, sorry.. I was offered dinner. But going out for dinner right after work, feeling danky in my sweat and in my drabby casual wear? I don't think so .. I wanted to go home first. Then there was complaint on how bad the jam would be. Major turn off. Actually.. you want or don't want to take me out for a nice dinner? If jam also, you can spend time talking to me on the way there and have quality conversation. If really sincerelah, can you do it properly? Instead of .. aiyah .. chin chai lar. Don't you know women like to be romanced? And romancing takes effort and sometimes sacrifice?)

Birthday also nothing. Even my siblings got me chocolates, a card and a really cool looking pen. Even my boss, bought all of us a simple Valentine's Day Lunch.

A friend was saying, "Aiyah all guys are like that wan lah. Married dy can't be bothered ma. More chin chai already"

From this post, I may sound like an insistent, nagging, materialistic woman with expectations sky high. But little do people understand the actual fact. His friend actually said to me the other day: "Aquarians are usually misunderstood." Nobody really bothers to think things differently: it's always easier to blame or think negatively. I'm going to give benefit of a doubt and publish this post tomorrow just to prove a point. I know some will say, you never gave a chance for the person to redeem himself. Like perhaps I'm just quick to blame coz who knows ma, he could have had something planned. Or by me posting this early you're saying he's got no chance to prove me wrong. So ok .. note the publishing time... it is now 10.13AM, 14th February 2008 - Valentine's day. I'm just posting this tomorrow to give benefit of a doubt.

Why do I bitch? Because you bragged. Had you had not bragged about how good and romantic you are, I would not have remembered you ever set the bar that high for yourself, then... I also won't expect as much. Don't tell me you are, then not do it; coz then I'd say you're all talk and no action. Everyone CAN, if they really want to and make the effort to.

To me it's not always the price of it monetarily(like getting me something really expensive), but more the giving of one's self - a small sacrifice. Take for instance a friend is real broke, but still manage to spend RM2.30 on a birthday card. It's the action that counts because as blur as I may be at times, I do see and note your efforts. In fact, it would mean so much more to me, knowing that despite being really broke, you were still willing to spend some on a sweet little card. THAT action is precious to me and makes me see how precious I am to you. I'm also pro something nice and creative(like even if you made your own card), coz then it would mean you took time to plan it properly.

It's a bit like Christian tithing; though some may struggle giving away a fraction of their "security", imagine how honored God must feel that you actually sacrificed and practice faith that He will provide ALL of your NEEDS.

The jizz here for being the romantic person you say you are, is not so much the amount, to me anyways. I'm sure a lot of women would disagree; gushing that anything expensive is a sure thing to their hearts. I'm not saying it doesn't, generally, but it is not a must and not a marker for me to sum up how much a person loves.

It's the fact that you willingly gave what little that you have. THAT to me, is a precious action in itself.

I know you'd argue that the way everyone show love is subjective. But think again, if you're trying to impress the one you love, you WILL have to do it HER way. Not your way. OR better yet, if your way doesn't seem to cut it. Why do you keep at it? Why not change methods and be open about other ways. Coz when you do that, then you make clear effort to get to know her: what she likes and enjoys, her character and mannerisms. Nothing impress a women more than being noticed and being understood.