Drifting

I guess... finally.... we're really drifting apart. Today was the first day we did not talk to each other in a long time.

Maybe it's good in a way... maybe it makes it easier...

But if that's so... why does it hurt so badly?

Vicissitudes

Cada fallo,
cada imprecisión,
cada detalle,
todo bajo control.

Cada acierto,
cada aproximación,
cada escena,
bajo supervisión.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

No imaginas cómo sería yo si hubiera
esperado un segundo más el amor.

Ni mis gestos ni mi propia voz, ni mis besos
serían hoy de los dos.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

Si quieres venir conmigo a buscar la fórmula
exacta de la realidad intenta escribir a los
demás, procura que nadie nos oiga marchar.

Cada pregunta de cada respuesta de cada
persona de cada planeta de cada reflejo de
cada cometa de cada deseo de cada estrella.

***

Every failure,
every imprecision,
Every detail,
everything under control.

Every success,
Every approximation
Every scene,
under supervision.

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

You cannot imagine how I would be
If I had waited one second more for love

Neither my gestures nor my own voice
Nor my kisses would be for the two of us today

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

If you want to come with me
to look for the exact formula of reality
Try to write to the others
Ensure that nobody hears us go

In every question
Of every response
Of every person
Of every planet
Of every reflection
Of every comet
Of every desire
Of every star

Fear

It holds us back....

It kept me in KL, a place I've never really liked very much for almost 10 years.

It kept me from having real relationships with men, perhaps, always choosing the ones who could never really be truly intimate with me.

It kept me from breaking clean with someone I couldn't trust for 2 years.

Perhaps I was afraid of rejection. Perhaps I was afraid to be alone again.

But I'm not happy. I'm tired of the broken promises. Tired of not being able to fully trust someone. Tired of being just a little bit better than a best lady friend. What's so special about me, then... right?

I'm tired of being paranoid. Tired of being afraid.

Take a bow now. So the curtains have finally come down. Not for lack of trying. Perhaps it's just time to move on. Perhaps things aren't meant to be. Perhaps you and I, we're too different when it comes to our definition of fidelity vs. infidelity.

Thank you for 2 1/2 years. Not all of it were bad. We had some sweet moments... not enough, unfortunately, to make up for the sad ones.

But everyone needs a first love, and you were mine. Thank you for the memories.

Vicissitudes

I had decided a while back that I'd like to try a new life somewhere before I'm 30.

But things never seemed to go the way I wished it to.

For awhile, I despaired. I wondered why everyone seemed so sure and so settled, yet I'm still floundering like a fish out of water.

Things were very difficult. I was getting very tired in my personal life, I was tired of fighting what always seemed inevitable....

I was also tired of the place I was living in, and I was looking to move out....

At work, my team was getting bullied, and so, slowly, one by one, they were all leaving... yet it seemed like I was the only one who was left behind.

And so I prayed.... I applied elsewhere, I sought guidance... I told My Lord... this is what I'm hoping for... but let Your Will be done... I put my life in Your gentle hands, I let myself be guided by Your Wisdom.... I know that You will let things happen, when You see fit, in Your time, not in mine.

Months passed. Things seemed to get from bad to worse.

Personally, I felt I was not going to wait for things to get better, I stopped fighting. I guess in a way, a part of me kind of died inside. And I let it die. I explained things, I tried what I can, but I suppose I stopped wondering. I stopped asking. I don't know if I stopped caring, perhaps I never will, but I stopped trying to take the burden of it on my shoulders.

I had my own life to live now. And so I decided I should live it.

I should celebrate life, so that if I should face death, I will have no regrets.

I spoke up at where I was staying. I said I was unhappy, I said I didn't wanna care so much anymore. I know one of them took offence, but I decided, if things don't change by May, I'd just leave this place behind me.

As for work, I had decided I'm looking elsewhere, but if there's nothing, I'd consider just resigning and going home for some re-assessment.

I asked for help. I sent my resumes here, there, anywhere I can get help.

I'm still seeing dragonflies. As many as two years ago again, and as consistently. I wondered if it's a sign, and I prayed again that He shall reveal Himself to me in His time and in His way.

And I got my answer. Last night, my prayer was answered. I have an offer. Quite good at that. In a neighbouring place....

I'm afraid, to be honest... It's not easy uprooting oneself and transplanting myself somewhere else. It's not easy giving up everything I've built for myself for 9 years here. It's not easy leaving my comfort zone.... but I felt I must. It's a push I have not felt for a long long time....

I asked for a sign, and it couldn't be clearer than this... Someone told me once: if you don't get something you asked for, don't despair, it just means that it's not meant for you, and God has a better plan for you.

Perhaps I'm ready now, and God wants me to go follow my heart.

I'm afraid, this may make or break everything. This may make or break me. I pray the Good Lord grants me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change... the courage to change the things that I can.... and the wisdom to know the difference....

I'm learning... to celebrate life....