Every Creature's Prayer :P

i have a thing for fantasy art... they kinda take me into another world. it's liberating, and stress-relieving. :P yes yes. i is weird.

here's something i found on the net while browsing for stress-relief. some of you may like this. i, on the other hand, feel a weird connection, so i saved it :P

and here's a poem/prayer i kinda hijacked randomly from the net and modified:

As I trudge along this weary path,
My spirit constantly battered and bruised,
My feelings low and dismal.

Make me strong in spirit,
Courageous in action,
Stalwart at heart.

Let me act in wisdom,
Conquer my fear and doubt,
Discover my own hidden gifts.

May I turn what now seems negative,
into positive light and energy.

May I be a beacon for others,
As we share this life in all its drudgery.

May my feet be so firmly placed on the path,
that no boulder is too high,
nor crevasse too deep for me to conquer.

Finally, give me joy in my destiny,
confidence in my spiritual heritage,
and joy in the striving and the doing.

~ inspired by a prayer from Abby Willowroot

Cannonball

as i'm considering new career options.... and a friend asks me what is it i look for, i realise, i'm a builder.

i want things i can build with. in my mind, with my hands. i grow as i grow other things too.

destroy and build. build on artifacts. use artifacts for building.

i'm a builder. somedays i really think that sucks.

i was walking around waiting for a friend on Saturday... and a song i haven't heard for at least a year came on. my favourite among damien rice's, btw.

funny. mr rice always had the capability to make me look at myself and cry.

and the phone rings. and it just seems so apt. sometimes irony is so thick u wonder if u're living a play.


there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what's going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
still I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage, teach me to be shy
'cos its not hard to fall,

and I don't want to scare her
its not hard to fall
and i don't want to lose
its not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know
don't know....

~damien rice's cannonball~

An Entire Generation of Love Children :P

Wednesday, 23 January 2008. 1608 hours.

Can u believe it's 3 weeks into 2008 already?

It's a wonderful Wednesday, and it's wonderful cos it's a holiday :P

AND my cranky computer decided to be nice today and allow me to type. The 8, i, k, and ',' disappears when he feels like it. :( MEN. :P But he been good boyfriend for 6 years already. Good Boy. :)

WHO SAYS I'M TEMPERAMENTAL? My computer is even more so. BLEK.

So I slept till a wonderful 11am today and wanted to go for a massage. Then I remembered my ankle is still swollen. CRAP. I'd be screaming when the 80+ yr old Indo woman starts massaging. If I have a bruise, it'd hurt worst than breaking a hymen. DAMMIT.

So I clean room today. Well, I TRY :P

Heh. :P Well, I'm cleaning out the files in my computer. Some. :P And I discovered some songs I haven't played for years.

Like an entire album of Barry White. Mmmm Mmmmm :P Nice. Now if only it were night and raining :D Make that a thunderstorm. I swear the man is personally responsible for at least an entire generation of love children. HAHAHA....

I wanna go home. Gah...

I need part-time data entry clerks. :( Who's free, gimme a call. The more the merrier. I can go home, then :D

p/s: WOMEN CAN EJACULATE!! Coolios :P

Listening to: "i'm your midnight angel, i'm a freak, ooohhhh yeaaahhhhh.... i'm a freak of nature" ;) Anastacia is kick ass!

updated:

I CLEANED MY ROOM!! WOOHOOOO!! and the bathroom. and did my laundry by hand. wasn't i such an angel yesterday? didn't eat though. odd. didn't eat the whole day.

On a Detox?

my body talks to me.

no, i'm serious.

i just realised today, that i've been on a vegetarian diet for the past 3 days or so.

now if you know me well, you'd know that i am a crazy meat-eater. i get sodium and protein cravings in the middle of the night when others get sugar cravings.

i'd die if i can't have my beef, and my mutton, and my pork. i rarely touch chicken nowadays, by the way. UPM put me off chicken almost entirely. except roast chicken. a well-roasted chicken is a feast :P

i think of what to eat tomorrow before i go to sleep at night. i know. other people wonder what to wear.... i wonder what to eat :P

so it was to my own shock that i suddenly realised over lunch today, that i've been eating vegetables, and no meat for the past 3 days.

it's like my body is telling me to detox on it's own. too much cake. too much dairy. too much protein. need spring-cleaning. head for the vegetables. keep away from the meat.

maybe it knows it's getting too plumpy :P

Wow... Interesting Case of Leukaemia

The twins who unlocked the secrets of leukaemia

British girls are behind dramatic breakthrough in medicine

By Steve Connor, Science Editor

Published: 18 January 2008

A study of two identical twin girls has led to a new understanding of the causes of childhood leukaemia and could revolutionise the treatment – and possibly prevention – of the potentially lethal disease. The detailed investigation of the two British girls has, for the first time, enabled medical researchers to track down the source of the cancerous stem cells in the blood that can lead to leukaemia in the first few years of life.

Olivia and Isabella Murphy, aged four, from Bromley in Kent, have provided science with an astonishing insight into the nature of leukaemia because of the highly unusual situation where both of them are at risk of the disease but only Olivia developed it.

Scientists believe the findings will enable them to develop better treatments with fewer and less serious side effects. It could also help in the search for the ultimate cause of the condition, which is newly diagnosed in 500 children each year in Britain.

Olivia and Isabella share the same genetic mutation to the blood-forming cells of the bone marrow, which must have occurred during their time in the womb because neither of their parents was found to have the same mutation.

However, only Olivia went on to develop leukaemia because she was unfortunate enough to have suffered a second mutation after birth, which triggered the onset of the cancer.

Scientists believe the mutation in the womb – which occurred in one of the foetuses but was passed to the other via circulating blood cells – caused both girls to be born with pre-cancerous stem cells in their blood, which predisposed them to leukaemia.

However, Olivia suffered the critical second mutation after the twins were born. That led to the development of the full-blown blood cancer which had to be treated with chemotherapy drugs that stunted her growth and led to a serious eye infection.

It was that difference between the two girls that enabled the scientists to locate the pre-cancerous stem cells in both children and then to figure out the sequence of genetic mutations.

Isolating the pre-cancerous stem cells from Olivia and Isabella, who will be five next month, could prove pivotal in the further understanding and treatment of childhood leukaemia, said Professor Mel Greaves of the Institute of Cancer Research in Sutton, Surrey.

"We suspect that these cells can escape conventional chemotherapy and cause relapse during or after treatment. These are the cells that dictate disease course and provide the bull's eye to target with new therapies," he said.

Olivia has successfully undergone treatment for leukaemia and is in remission. However, she is blind in one eye caused by an infection after her time on chemotherapy, which affected her immune system.

Her mother, Sarah, 35, said Olivia's treatment had affected her growth and her hair had become curly, but it had at least cleared many of the pre-cancerous blood cells identified by the research team.

She said she was worried about Isabella."Olivia is almost clear but ... Isabella still has a long way to go. They said the cells might die off naturally but obviously it is something which is hanging over us," Mrs Murphy said.

"It is quite hard but we have always tried to remain positive, although that is easy to say. It would be very hard to have to get through it twice but we are trying not to think about it too much."

Professor Greaves, whose study with Professor Tariq Enver of the Medical Research Council's Weatherall Institute for Molecular Medicine at Oxford University is published in the journal Science, said the genetic mutation found in the pre-cancerous stem cells of the twins was caused by the merging of two genes known as TEL and AML-1.

When the scientists inserted the hybrid TEL-AML-1 gene into human umbilical cord cells and inserted those mutated cells into mice, the mutated cells became self-renewing with the animals' bone marrow, just like they are in children such as Olivia and Isabella.

"This research means we can now test whether the treatment of acute lymphoblastic leukaemia in children can be correlated with either the disappearance or persistence of the leukaemia stem cells," said Professor Enver of Oxford University. "Our next goal is to target both the pre-leukaemic stem cell and the cancer stem cell itself with new or existing drugs to cure leukaemia while avoiding the debilitating and often harmful side effects of current treatments."

Bruce Morland, a childhood cancer specialist at Birmingham Children's Hospital, said the study brought scientists one step closer to the "holy grail" of identifying leukaemic stem cells.

"By determining the characteristics of the leukaemic stem cells it is ultimately the hope of clinicians that therapies can be specifically targeted to the leukaemia, thus sparing the patient from some of the significant side effects of conventional chemotherapy treatment," he said.

Most common childhood cancer

500 new cases of childhood leukaemia in UK per year

1 in 3 of all cancer cases among children is leukaemia

50 percentage of all cases affecting under-five age group

80% survival rate of commonest form (acute lymphoblastic leukaemia)

55% cure rate for acute myeloid leukaemia (which accounts for 1 in 4 cases)

1 in 10 survival rate in the 1960s

0 survival rate pre-1960s

1.4% rise in in childhood lymphoid leukaemia cases in Europe from 1970 to 1999

45.6 per million number of cases among black children in the US during the 1980s and 1990s

27.8 per million number of cases among white children in the same period

50 per million number of cases among Hispanics living in California

~The Independent, UK~

the hokkien-speaking boys in school would've called this: bin kana pao....

in form 6, the hokkien-speaking boys had a term: bin kana pao (face like pao). it kinda means being in an embarrassing situation... why pao? i don't know. doesn't matter... i found myself in a 'pao moment....'

for the 3rd time in less than 3 years, i fell down in the lrt station... during peak hours.... with a lot of ppl milling about.....

this time.... was a classic, even by my terms... if i may say so myself.

lil ms clumsy... fell down... in a skirt.... u know, those billowy kinds, slightly above the knees. and FLATS. AGAIN... why she always falls in flats, but never heels, she would never know.

she fell... down the ESCALATOR. about 8-10 steps. kedunk duunk duunnnkkk KEH-DUUUUNNNNKKKKK!!!!!

OOOWWWWWWWWWW.......

thank god she had a huge ass to cushion the fall.... too bad the ass wasn't made of steel.

the anatomical casualties: the ankle (now she walks with a slight limp), the calve, the thigh, the butt (cos she landed on it) and the palms (to break her fall).

yes, there were a lot of ppl, no, she did not know if anyone laughed.... cos she limped away as fast as she could as soon as she was able....

she hopes she's hit her quota of the year for embarrassing falls....

a rant worthy to acidify your gawddarn eyes....

here's the thing:

work is a lot like a partner to me. cos both have much in common... therefore, my attitude to both, is pretty much the fucking same.

i spend approximately 70% of my waking hours working. or doing something relating to work. like bloody travelling to and from work.

therefore, i surmise that the job better be fucking worth my fucking time. (fucking as an expletive here, cos dammit, if i were fucking, at least it were pleasurable. niasing....)

so explain to me again, WHY i must enslave my cute ass, and spend 70% of my conscious hours, on something that sends my blood pressure shooting up in a MOST UNdesirable way, and makes the fine blood capillaries on my face and chest burst, therefore causing me to suffer from purpura? WHY?

why should i work for a moron who says he would issue me a letter (when the other colleague was busy on the phone) cos he discovered three bread knives on my desk 2 days before, and i couldn't explain why it was there? (i genuinely don't know!) not because of my performance, he couldn't fault me for that, but because i gave him an inane answer. HELLO? inane answer for inane question, no? and he tells me he wants to find a gf JUST LIKE ME..... PPTTTUUUUIIIIIIII!!!!!!!! AS IF!!! and i'm the Saintly Mother Theresa of Calcutta!!

for me, it's a simple thing. if i'm gonna spend a majority of my time doing something, or with somebody, that thing/ person has bloody got to be worth my time.

70% of every goddamn sacred day of my goddamn life IS A LOT OF TIME SPENT. therefore, if it's not worth it, it means a LOT of TIME WASTED.

like a man (since i'm a hetero female): if like granny, i live to my 80s, therefore, i'd be spending 70% of THE REST OF MY LIFE with someone. he better be worth my time. cos 70% of the REST OF MY LIFE is a LOT OF TIME to spend being disgustingly MISERABLE if he isn't.

so does that answer some ppl's questions on why i was bloody single for sooooo bloody long? the answer is simple: i ain't got no time to waste on fucking morons.

my time is important to me. better have good sex solo than bad sex with a bunch of left-footed monkeys. meaning: i rather do certain things alone than do it with a bunch of time wasters.

i fucking need a new fucking job.

entertaining myself....

had some time to visit blogs today.. well, more like i found me some time :P

and hey, i'm glad i did.

apparently, davi went to italy, and those 'enterprising' italians actually had a calendar of hot priests... e.g. as below. now if my priest looked like that, i don't think i can help it but drag myself out of bed every sunday, even if i had to wake up at 530am. forgive me, Father, i know i be sinful, but ur instrument is too lustworthy :P (sorry, baby, but i know you check out hot chicks too! :P)

i mean, girls, wouldn't you?

i see i have something else to lube my fantasies now... among other things :P

and then.... again from davi.... trace's fave gesture..... in bread form..... ROFLMAO!!

while i've been away.....

was away at a WoW house... where all the comps are always in fully-utilised mode, so i didn't have much of a chance to blog despite my wanting to write about several things.

things are in full swing now that i'm back at work (:() but i still really wanna blog about the horny politician.

so an em-ian minister pulls a clinton.... and is considered a HERO cos he 'apologises' about it in public.... though how it's called an apology is beyond me.

what about it irks me?

statements such as 'she is a PERSONAL FRIEND' (hohoho) and 'unsure whether it was old or new'... right....
and his 'next course of action' has yet to be decided: 'I will think about it after meeting the press.' (and fucking 'em female press ppl silly? they're all personal friends)

and then the police are coming down on those who own/distribute the DVD.... HUH?? it's an offense... right...

here's the thing: if he were an opp leader, he'd be crucified downside up by now. and subject to all forms of verbal and what-not abuse on his character...

and really now, his being recorded fucking a 'personal friend' silly should be ample proof of a lack of moral credibility, and he should step down from politics gracefully.

even Clinton would probably have done so if such proof were circulated around the US of A, in, say, Arkansas.

in all seriousness, my bitterness with the ruling team aside:
i'm not saying it's right to invade one's privacy with recordings and such... it IS. but would there be such a crackdown and hue-and-cry on the invasion of privacy if it were, say, an artiste? or just an ordinary person like you or me? or if it were an opposition leader?

yes, temptations abound. perhaps the marriage has long been dead.... but he is STILL married. is it more right for him to maintain his marriage for the sake of posterity (and because it clouds the eyes of the public, therefore, making it easier to enter politics) and then fuck 'personal friends', or 'not-so-personal friends', rather than get a divorce and fuck 'friends' as a bachelor?

it's one thing to be a single man with a fuckbuddy. quite another to be a married/unavailable man with a fuckbuddy.

if you're a confirmed bachelor/bachelorette who doesn't pretend to want a relationship/emotional entanglement, it's a completely different ballgame than a man or woman who has ties that bind.

yes, he may be a good politician, leader of the people, one who does the duties of his office faithfully. perhaps. but betrayal of trust is betrayal of trust. if he were a good politician, etc. etc. then his error in judgment is one the people of his constituency as well as himself has to pay heavily for. which is very very sad... because in all fairness, he HAS been a good Minister of Health, in my opinion.

but fair is fair. pay for his error he has to. and firstly, he has a lot to make up for. to his wife and children, most of all, if they still mean a lot to him. if his marriage has long been over, then it's perhaps about time he stop the farce and file for divorce. if said 'personal friend' is someone he has long wanted to marry, then do so. it's better than living a lie. and lying to the public.

whether it were just a fling, or an emotional entanglement, is BESIDE THE POINT. it doesn't make his behaviour any more RIGHT. in fact, an emotional entanglement, makes it even sadder. because the poor woman AS WELL AS his poor wife has to suffer in silence for such a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG time. how idiot politicians interviewed in the papers (http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2008/1/6/focus/19931882&sec=focus) can make one less 'sinful' than the other just shows how SHALLOW and SUPERFICIAL some people are. and how they hold DOUBLE STANDARDS for different groups of people.

yes, after marriage, you may still meet another man or woman that you fancy. but is it RIGHT to pursue both at the same time? marriage is a CHOICE. it is a COMMITMENT. it means choosing to fuck one vagina or one penis for the rest of your fucking life (pun intended). it means keeping yourself emotionally, mentally and physically LOYAL to ONE PERSON until you die (or the marriage gets dissolved). it means RESPONSIBILITY and ACCOUNTABILITY.

like a job: if you're working for someone, you may still find another job that you fancy. should you pursue both at the same time too? certainly not. you WOULD get fired. and you WOULD receive disciplinary action. but in marriage it's ok? shouldn't you suffer the same fate? isn't a person's tie to another person more important than a person's tie to a job? both are COMMITMENTS. why is one less important than another?

in an ordinary citizen, such behaviour is wrong. ordinary people suffer censure for it. in a politician holding office, does that make it OK? certainly not. perhaps we should make all politicians who say stupid things like that step down as well. because i'm deeply ashamed to hear such idiocy coming out of the mouths of our elected MPs.

but in all sarcasm for the ruling team:
perhaps i should join the party too, so i could fuck around with 20 year-old male gigolos at 50 and call them personal friends. and then still arrogantly say that i'm unsure about how old the tape was, just so ppl will think i 'masih bocor' at 50.

seriously. this place is going steadily downhill. it makes me sick.

the self-aggrandizement and egocentricity of emian politics and politicians sickens me. this just epitomises such disgustingly low-life behaviour.

and the datin.... what the fuck? 'trying to pull a hillary?' was the first thing i told the boy when i read the papers.

i swear by God's footstool and by the heavens, if the boy ever pulls a 'datuk CSL' on me, i'd:
a) call the courts on him and get him crucified.
b) empty his savings and make them MINE.
c) tie him up to a chair next to his own bbq pit, build a slow fire, cut up his stomach with a katana (yes, trust me, i know ppl who collects swords as a hobby), pull out his intestines slowly and start slowly roasting it over the slow fire (while he's still alive, yes...) while:
d) getting several HUGE-ASS STEROID-ADDICTED IRON-PUMPERS in gimp-suits to gang-rape his ass..
e) get all my friends to make a recording of said unwilling homosexual orgy
f) distribute said recording for FREE
g) carve some curses into his sorry penis with a blunt apparatus
h) castrate said sorry penis with said bloody blunt apparatus
i) by the time all that is done, if he isn't dead yet, he'd wish he was.

i know he reads my blog :P and i know that the above was a resurrection of my coldly graphic male-bashing a la Sixth Form. yes, i knew precisely why most guys feared me. i know. there's prime example there. well, i don't care. all the better for him to know that he shouldn't humiliate and cross me that way unless he wants to be tortured and killed slowly and painfully and even more humiliatingly.

but he's an intelligent man :D with a past of his own. i'm sure he knows better ;)

Fire and Heat

they say if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

but what does one do when you want the food?

so badly that you'd brave the fire for the food?

one can only wish that one does not kill oneself in the process.

so, tell me.... where can i find fire repellent clothing?

Subconscious

it's one of the few times in her life when she could honestly say she was at a complete, total loss.

she wasn't sure what to say. what to do. what to think. even what to feel.

because this time it was different. and complex. and a dilemma in every sense of the word.

because it's not like no one gets hurt. it's just that it's no one's fault that it happened.

no one was to blame, and she knew it.

so what's there to do? what's there to say?

for hours and even days after that, she pondered the situation.

why did it hurt her? how does she feel? how would it change anything now? how to make things work?

funny how a slip of the subconscious could bring all the old insecurities to the fore, and cast new ones. was she good enough? smart enough? pretty enough? funny enough? kind enough? honest enough?

how to say what happened? how to bring voice to the nagging, unkind doubts turning cartwheels in her mind?

how to put all those aside, and just silence everything? stop everything? just take stock of what she had and work with it?

hopefully, this time around, with patience and honesty and kindness, and a lot of good, hard work, things would turn out for the best.

yet she still fears.

A Toast to 2007. A Drink to 2008

2007: A year with many blessings in disguise i suppose. When it comes to 2007, i suppose the best way to describe it is this: we can prescribe, God decides. In BM: manusia merancang, Tuhan yang menentukan.

I'd like to think I have matured much from 2006, in 2007, but i can't really say. I think i've wisened up a lot though, but that's just a personal perspective. I know i hit a really low point, n clawed my way out of there, but i think i gained a lot of personal strength from that chain of experiences.

There was much to be thankful for. Met many new good friends, got a job i'm pretty happy with, minus the crap slp :P met someone i'm happy to be around with.

Many little happy things: good conversations with friends, sharing happy moments, sharing unhappy moments. Knowing who your real friends are when bad things happen. Sharing good times and good news with those good friends :)

So here's a toast to 2007, and a drink to 2008!! Hope next year is a much better year for everyone!