Quarter life crisis

I've been self-reflecting...

I think I've hit a quarter-life crisis....

And I really don't know where I want to be 3 years from now...

I can't even identify whether I can't stand my work, or the lack of work-life balance it offers me... I just know I don't want to be doing this in 5 years time... working on weekends.. waking up at odd hours in the night to call some incompetent fool half the world away.. working till 11pm and considering that 'normal'.

I chose to come here, so why complain? I'm not... I'm just getting really tired... I feel myself burning out. I'm not as young as I used to be, and reality bites :(

So I'm doing all these personality tests to help me figure out what suits my personality best.

INFJ. Christ, that didn't help... It's telling me I'm complex and internally confused. SIGH....

Perhaps I'm getting impatient. Bloody hell, almost 3 decades on earth... shouldn't my life be moving in a certain stable direction by now? Why do I still feel soooo..... unsettled???

God help me, I think I've hit a low point... yet again.... Seeing a financial advisor just made me feel a whole lot older. So many responsibilities, so little time to work them out.

It's as if the sands of time are running out on me.

Need to figure myself out. And pronto.

Growing up is hard to do. Really :(

Borrowed reflections of a tired mind

It's been forever. I know. But I've barely had time to shop in this shopping haven for necessary goods, much less blog.

But things have been bittersweet. And perhaps, in life, I can't really ask for more than that.

It's Independence Day back home. Wonder if anyone there ever reflects on life's lessons, but anyhow, here's a good article written by a wise man. I couldn't have said it any better.

I've learned....

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.

All you can do is be someone who can be loved.

The rest is up to them.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,

some people just don't care back.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust

and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life,

but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.

After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself

to the best others can do,

but to the best you can do.

I've learned that it's not what happens to people,

It's what they do about it.

I've learned that no matter how thin you slice it,

there are always two sides.

I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.

It may be the last time you'll see them.

I've learned that you can keep going,

long after you think you can't.

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done

when it needs to be done,

regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly,

but just don't know how to show it.

I've learned that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry,

but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.

Same goes for true love.

I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to

doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned that no matter how good a friend is,

they're going to hurt you every once in a while

and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.

Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,

the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned that our background and circumstances

may have influenced who we are,

but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that just because two people argue,

it doesn't mean they don't love each other.

And just because they don't argue,

it doesn't mean they do.

I've learned that sometimes you have to put the individual

ahead of their actions.

I've learned that two people can look at the exact same thing

and see something totally different.

I've learned that no matter the consequences,

those who are honest with themselves go farther in life.

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours

by people who don't even know you.

I've learned that even when you think you have no more to give,

when a friend cries out to you,

you will find the strength to help.

I've learned that writing,

as well as talking,

can ease emotional pains.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life

are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that it's hard to determine where to draw the line

between being nice and not hurting people's feelings

and standing up for what you believe.

I've learned to love

and be loved.

I've learned...

~Omer Washington~

Dilemma

I hate seeing you manipulated thus.... and although you say I shouldn't let it get to me, I can't help but feel this way.

You're like a butterfly coming out of your chrysalis, it's a painful process.

Yet I understand that your lives are so deeply intertwined, it's hard for you to learn to cut off the vines.

Yet I can see what he's doing so clearly. He did say he could control you, he could keep you under his thumb, you would listen to what he tells you to do (which is why he still keeps you as a friend), and that you would tell him everything.

Sigh... honestly, I don't know what to do either. It sucks that everything is under wraps and that I can't tell him off directly without blowing your plans apart.

So... maybe I should just slow things down a notch or two, say a prayer and hope everything goes well.

Sorry though.... this might hurt somewhat.

Greed?

I know I should be thankful. Yet why do I sometimes get that heavy feeling? Wishing things were a little less complicated? Wondering why it wasn't a little easier? A little simpler? Perhaps I am still a little fearful of history. I know I shouldn't let old ghosts ruin new homes, yet... I do wish... For that little bit more... Of peace?

Solitude

This country is quiet...many people say... And it's true that one can be lonely even in a city of 1 billion.

But this place also seem to offer some kind of respite in a crazy busy world. The little parks right in the middle of a bustling neighbourhood, where amidst the noise and craze, one can always find a quiet place for some respite.

Sometimes that's best. To remove oneself from the rest of the world for awhile to evaluate where one is, and where one wants to go. To see whether some things are worth fighting for, while some should be let go. Whether some should be raised to the surface, while some should be buried within the deeper recesses of one's mind: best forgotten.

The Roving Mind

So how's it been?

Really... I'm not yet sure.

Work's tough, and I do feel like I'm under a lot of pressure, but then again, I never expected it to be a walk in the park.

I like this new place. I can see myself settling down here, even as a single girl.

So far, life is good. I can't expect more from this. I wanted a new life, after all.

And yes, I came here with my heart in tatters. Half worn-out from all the struggles to keep afloat. And I knew that taking up this new challenge would make or break my relationship. It broke it.

So right now, I'm starting life anew as a single woman in a new land with new challenges that I need to face.

How's it been, after a month? I'm not sure. That's all I can say, right now. I hope God blesses this path. I hope He keeps me in His Grace.

Can't figure it out

I miss you.

But not the way I used to. I wonder if parts of me died inside.

If the feeling is slowly fading. Dying.

A part of me feels bereft. Empty.

It's been like this for awhile. The feeling of trying to keep things afloat.

I don't know, really. Should I stay, or should I go?

A friend of mine was telling me before I left, that she recently felt, and mentioned to her fiance: You don't please me anymore...

I wonder if that's the case here. And I wonder how long has it already been like this....

Drifting

I guess... finally.... we're really drifting apart. Today was the first day we did not talk to each other in a long time.

Maybe it's good in a way... maybe it makes it easier...

But if that's so... why does it hurt so badly?

Vicissitudes

Cada fallo,
cada imprecisión,
cada detalle,
todo bajo control.

Cada acierto,
cada aproximación,
cada escena,
bajo supervisión.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

No imaginas cómo sería yo si hubiera
esperado un segundo más el amor.

Ni mis gestos ni mi propia voz, ni mis besos
serían hoy de los dos.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

La casualidad se puso el disfraz de una
mariposa que al vuelo se entregó soltando
su efecto nos acarició.

Si quieres venir conmigo a buscar la fórmula
exacta de la realidad intenta escribir a los
demás, procura que nadie nos oiga marchar.

Cada pregunta de cada respuesta de cada
persona de cada planeta de cada reflejo de
cada cometa de cada deseo de cada estrella.

***

Every failure,
every imprecision,
Every detail,
everything under control.

Every success,
Every approximation
Every scene,
under supervision.

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

You cannot imagine how I would be
If I had waited one second more for love

Neither my gestures nor my own voice
Nor my kisses would be for the two of us today

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

Chance put on the disguise
Of a butterfly
That gave up flight
Releasing its effect
It caressed us

If you want to come with me
to look for the exact formula of reality
Try to write to the others
Ensure that nobody hears us go

In every question
Of every response
Of every person
Of every planet
Of every reflection
Of every comet
Of every desire
Of every star

Fear

It holds us back....

It kept me in KL, a place I've never really liked very much for almost 10 years.

It kept me from having real relationships with men, perhaps, always choosing the ones who could never really be truly intimate with me.

It kept me from breaking clean with someone I couldn't trust for 2 years.

Perhaps I was afraid of rejection. Perhaps I was afraid to be alone again.

But I'm not happy. I'm tired of the broken promises. Tired of not being able to fully trust someone. Tired of being just a little bit better than a best lady friend. What's so special about me, then... right?

I'm tired of being paranoid. Tired of being afraid.

Take a bow now. So the curtains have finally come down. Not for lack of trying. Perhaps it's just time to move on. Perhaps things aren't meant to be. Perhaps you and I, we're too different when it comes to our definition of fidelity vs. infidelity.

Thank you for 2 1/2 years. Not all of it were bad. We had some sweet moments... not enough, unfortunately, to make up for the sad ones.

But everyone needs a first love, and you were mine. Thank you for the memories.

Vicissitudes

I had decided a while back that I'd like to try a new life somewhere before I'm 30.

But things never seemed to go the way I wished it to.

For awhile, I despaired. I wondered why everyone seemed so sure and so settled, yet I'm still floundering like a fish out of water.

Things were very difficult. I was getting very tired in my personal life, I was tired of fighting what always seemed inevitable....

I was also tired of the place I was living in, and I was looking to move out....

At work, my team was getting bullied, and so, slowly, one by one, they were all leaving... yet it seemed like I was the only one who was left behind.

And so I prayed.... I applied elsewhere, I sought guidance... I told My Lord... this is what I'm hoping for... but let Your Will be done... I put my life in Your gentle hands, I let myself be guided by Your Wisdom.... I know that You will let things happen, when You see fit, in Your time, not in mine.

Months passed. Things seemed to get from bad to worse.

Personally, I felt I was not going to wait for things to get better, I stopped fighting. I guess in a way, a part of me kind of died inside. And I let it die. I explained things, I tried what I can, but I suppose I stopped wondering. I stopped asking. I don't know if I stopped caring, perhaps I never will, but I stopped trying to take the burden of it on my shoulders.

I had my own life to live now. And so I decided I should live it.

I should celebrate life, so that if I should face death, I will have no regrets.

I spoke up at where I was staying. I said I was unhappy, I said I didn't wanna care so much anymore. I know one of them took offence, but I decided, if things don't change by May, I'd just leave this place behind me.

As for work, I had decided I'm looking elsewhere, but if there's nothing, I'd consider just resigning and going home for some re-assessment.

I asked for help. I sent my resumes here, there, anywhere I can get help.

I'm still seeing dragonflies. As many as two years ago again, and as consistently. I wondered if it's a sign, and I prayed again that He shall reveal Himself to me in His time and in His way.

And I got my answer. Last night, my prayer was answered. I have an offer. Quite good at that. In a neighbouring place....

I'm afraid, to be honest... It's not easy uprooting oneself and transplanting myself somewhere else. It's not easy giving up everything I've built for myself for 9 years here. It's not easy leaving my comfort zone.... but I felt I must. It's a push I have not felt for a long long time....

I asked for a sign, and it couldn't be clearer than this... Someone told me once: if you don't get something you asked for, don't despair, it just means that it's not meant for you, and God has a better plan for you.

Perhaps I'm ready now, and God wants me to go follow my heart.

I'm afraid, this may make or break everything. This may make or break me. I pray the Good Lord grants me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot change... the courage to change the things that I can.... and the wisdom to know the difference....

I'm learning... to celebrate life....

Maybe

Maybe it's time for me to just let everything go...

I'm tired of everything. I suppose a part of me really wants to make the grand move, it would be a push, one way or another. In a way, that would make or break everything.

And perhaps right now, that's what we need.

Tears

It's been said that no man is worth your tears, and when you find one who is, he wouldn't make you cry.

Defense of my Faith

This is a response to a Muslim man asking on a discussion board what the concept of the Christian God is, especially pertaining to Catholics. He said that our concept of God is wrong, and that we are confused.

And here is my response:

Dear Y,

C is right. You have come here not with an open mind to study the 'fors' and 'againsts' of Christianity, but have only brought a bucketful of negatives.

As for knowing what is God, surely.... in your heart, you would know. He comes when your heart and your mind is open, not when you are looking for riches, or 4D number, or fame, or power, or clouded by lust...

He comes when you need protection, He comes when you are afraid and lonely. He comes, not in the form of a ghost, but in ways that you can feel and 'see', not see.

I believe that God is good. And when I pray for guidance, He will come to me. That is the faith that spoke to C, and spoke to me.

I believe that God came to me, when I needed Him most, and He has made me a kinder, more loving, more understanding person. If that is not God talking to me, then who is?

The Devil is asking me to forgive the people who burnt our churches? The Devil is asking me to speak kindly and not take offense by your words? The Devil is asking me to pray for these people who burns our churches that they may see that what they are doing is wrong?

I think not.

So please, don't insult our sensibilities by saying that we don't know God's loving touch when we feel it in our lives.

God always shows us that we must do what is right. Even if it is painful. Even if it is difficult.

C has experienced it. So have I. So I am pretty darn sure it was not Satan talking to me when someone touched my heart and asked me to forgive my aggressor, who had physically hurt me, so many years ago.

It is very obvious from your repeated postings over and over again, that you don't understand, and that you don't wish to.

As for ayour argument that we may use Allah, but the translation in our Bible is not right... I don't understand it. You are in the group MENENTANG PENGGUNAAN NAMA ALLAH OLEH GOLONGAN BUKAN MUSLIM. But nevermind that.

How do we then translate: I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery; Do not have any other gods before me?

No, rest assured, none of us here hate you, or find what you write offensive, however, bear in mind that we are no fools. We know when you are sincere, and when you are not.

There is a lot of bigotry when it comes to Catholicism, many misconceptions and misunderstanding... The only way to counteract such bigotry is by telling the truth, [as we know it]. However, in my experience, many do not wish to listen, or to understand, wanting to believe what they choose to believe. This type of bigotry reflects on the ignorance of the person itself. A, S, B, P, C and myself have defended our church and our faith, but we are also prepared to let go and to move on.

If God chooses that you understand one day, it will happen. And I trust in Him to let that happen. In His Will, and in His Time.

However, if you wish to know what the Catholic concept of God is, as much as I was taught, like C says, it is Love. In my home, we have a beautiful picture. In it is a Cross. One the Top of the Cross was written God. One the right was Faith. One the left was Hope. One the bottom was Love. And the words: And the greatest of these is Love.

Why do we not react to the bombings of our churches? Because we understand that concept. We practise it. There is a hymn sung in church, it goes: They will know we are Christians by our love, by our love... They will know we are Christians by our love.

GOD IS LOVE. Faith, Hope, Love. And the greatest of these is Love. On this facebook group itself, are the words that are the greatest testimony of Christian living: LET ALL THAT YOU DO BE DONE IN LOVE.

You keep saying we are hurt. You are wrong over and over again.

No we aren't.

Because we are Christians. Because we let our actions speak louder than our words. Because we believe GOD IS LOVE. And because we let others know we are Christians by our Love.

WE LET ALL THAT WE DO BE DONE IN LOVE. BECAUSE OUR GOD IS A LOVING GOD. OUR GOD IS LOVE.

And by His Great Love, He gave us His Son, that we may Understand that Love, Feel it, Know it, Learn it, Practise it, Preach it. Because in His Infinite Wisdom, He knew that by such Great LOVE, He would give us Faith, and Hope.

And here we are, 2010 years later. Still going Strong. Because of His Great Love. And we will preach our Christianity by PRACTISING it.

NOT by hundreds of academical discussions and papers.

But by LIVING our lives as Christians. By LIVING our lives with LOVE. By touching the lives of the people that come into contact with us and giving them Faith and Hope that there is STILL humanity, there is STILL forgiveness, there is STILL love in this world despite the hatred we see around us. Every single day.

Now do you understand why I say our religion is a LIVING religion? It is not about a book. It is about LIVES. It is about CHRISTIAN LIVING. It is about practising, on a day-to-day basis what it MEANS to become CLOSER to God.

You can read about religion as much as you want. Espouse it in forums, debate it with learned people in conference rooms, in libraries all around the world. But do you PRACTISE it? Do you LIVE it? Do you KNOW what God means? What he TRULY means? Have you spent your time tending to the cancer patients who are dying? Gone to spend time with people whose only thoughts are of survival?

How will the people who need to survive KNOW God when they can't even read? When they have nothing to eat?

You can argue phrases after phrases, verses after verses to them... but do you show them Kindness? Do you show them Compassion? Do you give them Faith? Do you give them Hope? In humanity? Do you show them LOVE?

We who profess with our tongue that Christ is our Lord and our God, CAN.

We CAN. We HAVE. We WILL.

We don't believe in salvation by faith alone. But by faith, and by good works practised because of that faith. By our lives, we have proven it.

We have done it time after time again.

Pope John Paul II forgave and BLESSED his Muslim assasinator.

Mother Teresa sacrificed her beauty, her youth, her life for the poor of Calcutta.

We Christians here in Malaysia, are rallying to pray for the forgiveness of those who bombed our churches, and also to protect and guide us in this time of persecution and trial.

We Christians live by example. And THAT is the way we KNOW our God. THAT is the way we UNDERSTAND Him.

Not on paper. Not in a book. Not on forums or discussion boards. But with our spirits. With our souls. With our very lives.

God bless you, and peace be upon you.

AMEN.

2010

So many things have happened recently....

And I have so many things on my mind...

But before all that, I figure I should write out what I plan to do this year first. Not exactly resolutions, just some goals:

1. To step out of my comfort zone.

I want to do things I never thought I would do, things I never thought I COULD do. Well, if given the opportunity, I'd like to try. It's time. How would I know what I can or cannot do if I do not try?

2. To live life.

To attempt work-life balance, to stop and smell the roses sometimes, to enjoy what I do, or to find something to enjoy. We have only one life to live, after all.

3. To write again.

I've been putting this off for years, it's time to pick this up again. Who knows where it will bring me?

4. To travel more.

I've always loved travel and culture. Now that AirAsia has zero fares, it should not be an excuse to not do the things I love. I recently got back from Manila and loved it. I should do this more often. Even if I do it alone.

5. To be happy with myself.

For so long, I let my insecurities get in my way. This year I want to learn to enjoy my own company, like I used to. To do things on my own a little bit more. I've started doing that again in 2009, and I hope in 2010 to continue.

6. To take more serious steps about my 5 year goal.

To save more money, to look to the future, to plan for a house, to plan for a career. I'm not getting any younger. It's time.

7. To pick up a hobby.

Gardening, dancing. Something. I haven't figured that out yet, it wouldn't be easy. But it's a goal, nonetheless.

8. To be a better person.

Simple. Just to be better than 2009. Humbler, kinder, more loving, more compassionate.

I think these are good goals to work towards... now I hope I can keep this up, not just for this year, but for years to come. :)