Tales from a Forgotten Land

First the story, then the rant.

The East Coast, in general, is a beautiful place. Lush green forests, white sandy beaches. Coming from a Sarawakian girl, that's clearly a compliment. I'm used to natural beauty. In abundance.

Reached KB's airport late. Flight for AirAsia was delayed. Spent the morning briefing interviewers, and completing last minute preparations.

Left for Terengganu by car after lunch.

There really is nothing like a road trip. No better way to see the countryside. Town after town. Nature and civilisation. the deduction I got from travelling across the two states by car, is a comparison between Kelantan and Terengganu.

1. Kelantan is richer by far.
2. The development in Kelantan is more decentralised. (i.e.: There may not be more towns, but the towns are better developed in contrast to the capital.) Terengganu's Kuala Terengganu is beautiful and well-developed. But outside of Kuala Terengganu, their little towns are very underdeveloped in comparison.
3. The majority of Terengganu people are poor/very poor. And as a whole, although Terengganu seem to have more natural resources (e.g. oil), there appears to be more of the poor in Terengganu than in Kelantan. Could it be a matter of wealth distribution?

The myth that the East Coast states are equal if not the same has just been thoroughly debunked.

A fourth, even more shocking myth, from what I've seen, in terms of sociology, is going to be debunked further.

4. Kelantanese appeart to have a greater tolerance for non-natives. In fact, they don't seem to care how I dress, or how I carry myself. They don't even stare. They just smile and go on about their business. I can't say the same for the other. but these are my first impressions. Interesting, no?

Your Personal Tarot Cards are listed below. Scroll down to read a brief description of each card.

It is important to remember that this is not a Tarot Spread. The selection of these cards is based upon your name and birth date. With the exception of the growth cards, your personal cards do not change. Cards that appear more than once in your personal set indicate that the influences they represent are a very powerful force in your life.

Your Power Cards
Represent strengths you were born with.

Judgement
The High Priestess

Judgement embodies those forces which require us to be accountable for our actions. With Judgement, truths are revealed, mysteries are unraveled and responsibility is assigned. Judgement unveils outcomes and marks the ends of things. While it is a time to properly place guilt, it is also a time for atonement and forgiveness. Ultimately the process of Judgement should lead to freedom from errors made in the past and a fresh start with a clean slate. To that end, Judgement actually promises the start of a new journey on which we can apply what we have learned from our past.

When Justice or The Fool are among your personal cards, the influence of Judgement may be increased. Having Death in your personal cards may diminish the influence of Judgement.

Completely feminine and the counterpart to The Magician, the High Priestess is the Gatekeeper of the subconscious. She travels in worlds which most of us only glimpse in our dreams. Her realm is that of unseen truths, untapped potentials, and hidden dangers. The Calling of The High Priestess is to go beyond the obvious and visible to tap those powers which are veiled from normal vision. While she is passive by nature, she has the power to uncover unknown potential and is very aware of the infinite potential all humans harbor within them. She is also very patient. She can wait for events to blossom in their own time.

When The Hermit or Hanged Man are among your personal cards, the influence of The High Priestess may be increased. Having the Magus in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The High Priestess.

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Your Desire Cards
Focus on your ambitions and dreams.

The Hermit
The High Priestess

The Hermit denotes a need to have some space between you and everyday hustle and bustle of a busy world. The Hermit needs to retreat. Indeed, happiness for The Hermit requires seclusion, freedom for material wants and time for intense introspection. The answers The Hermit needs cannot be found in our physical world. The truths he seeks are internal and spiritual. The distraction of a well developed social life can only impede his quest for personal truths. Still, The Hermit does sometimes need to share time with others so that he can learn or teach, guide or be guided. The Hermit’s time spent amongst people depletes his energy quickly. To avoid an overlord, he has to retreat from social settings quickly.

When The High Priestess is among your personal cards, the influence of The Hermit may be increased. Having The World or The Lovers in your personal cards may diminish the influence of The Hermit.

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Your Lucky Cards
Represent elements that favor you.

Judgement
The High Priestess

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Your Growth Cards
Represent influences you will need to take advantage of over the next year.

The Star
Strength

The Star represents a strong connection to the Cosmos, an open gateway to understanding the big picture. It is an optimistic card that promises peace, harmony and hope. For the full power of the forces behind The Star to be realized, one must have faith and accept that in cosmic terms all things balance out; that disturbances are sometimes necessary to ensure overall harmony. The reward for such faith is vision on a Cosmic scale, and sense of well-being that may well radiate to those around you through your warm, untroubled heart.

When The Fool or Empress are among your personal cards, the influence of The Star may be increased. Having The Moon or The Tower in your personal cards may diminish its influence.

Strength denotes an inner power, mastery of will and development of inner might. Through mastering one’s emotions and learning from both success and failure, the person Strength represents has reached a place where they are influential without applying physical force. They are able to weather the roughest of storms and not likely to abandon the less fortunate. Strength also denotes a large capacity for forgiveness and compassion. Strength is not as much about winning as it is about overcoming hardship and using well crafted persuasion to ease others to your side.

When The Hanged Man is among your personal cards, the influence of Strength may be increased. Having The Chariot in your personal cards may diminish the influence of Strength.

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Your Core Cards
Represent your most basic traits. All that you are begins with the influences associated with these cards.

Justice
The High Priestess

Justice signifies the principle that although things sometimes seem askew, the Universe is ultimately fair. We may not see or understand why things happen, but most of us sense there is, in fact, a reason and that balance exists even when we cannot see it. Justice denotes fairness, regardless of who you are. At its purest, the forces embodied by Justice give us the power to see without bias and the courage to be accountable for our actions. These powers also test our faith at times. These powers give us the tools and strength to fight injustice in our everyday life. All we have to do is use them.

When The Emperor is among your personal cards, the influence of Justice may be increased. Having The Devil in your personal cards may diminish the influence of Justice.

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Strange... I'd hardly consider myself feminine... intuitive, perhaps. But hardly feminine... so why do I get the most feminine card of the deck 4 out of 5 times in my spread?

And Judgment 2 times...

And Justice is in my cards, which increases the influence of Judgment.
The Hermit is in it as well, which increases the influence of the High Priestess...

Makes me wonder... if this is really who I am, or what I'm like? ,,O.O,,

Waiting

This resonated in me:

Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person;

Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances,
for the person who makes you smile like no one else and when they smile you know they need you.

Wait for the person who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats and a t-shirt, but appreciates it when you get dressed up for them.

And most of all wait for the person who will put you at the center of their universe, because that's where you belong.

==

You got under my skin. I wouldn't be the person I am now if it weren't for you.
But...

Our Story has ended. It ended even before it had a chance to begin.

And I am sad. But there is no other way.

Perhaps someday you would understand:
That letting go doesn't mean giving up.
It means finally coming to terms with things/people/situations that aren't meant to be.

So now I'll just wait for someone who would take the time to try and understand me,
just as I took the time to try and understand you.

If music be the food of love, play on....

Was chatting with my former student, and she complained about her missing documents before abruptly stopping and said, "Hey, teacher, I gotta go. Got to prepare for orchestra."

A pang of something shot through me, I don't know what. Regret, nostalgia, maybe?

What I know for sure is that I miss the Nurse, and I miss SONS. Can't think of one without the other. I miss playing the piano. (Though I was never a member of SONS). But plenty of my friends then were.

I suppose I miss those times. I miss how we all were then.

Before I came here. Before things got in the way.

It was like The Age of Innocence.

Then again, now isn't all bad.

So if Music be the food of Love, play on...

Finality

17.08.2007. 1942 hours.

I finally took the steps I should have taken long ago on my own accord today.

Finally.

The finality weighted down on me. But it had to be done. Considering how he was a selfish coward to the end, and how finally, that selfish cowardice turned into a cruelty so crippling, its consequences on me, he would never see, and, if I had my way, he'd never know.

He probably never thought twice about it, but he would criticise all but one of my five senses: sight, smell, taste, touch, hearing. The only thing he didn't complain about was my voice. Perhaps, given time, he might have started criticising that as well.

It makes me wonder now: What type of little person was he, that he had to put me down, especially after a particularly intimate moment?
If I had doubts about my self-esteem, his criticism would have destroyed me.
Was that what he was seeking to do? What did he get out of such behaviour? But I no longer want to know.

Looking back now, there are some aspects to our situation then that I did not understand, which I do now. It casts an even greater shadow on the memory.

It makes me wonder, too, if everything he did then, had a hidden agenda. The thought made me blanch, but I suppose I have to face the consequences of my choice. So I made a mistake. A huge one.

I suppose if I were he, I wouldn't be able to help not just having the emotional range of a teaspoon, but also the psychological range of a pinhead.

I feel sorry for him.

But I can't spend the rest of my life playing counselor. And I won't take being used and abused again.

Someday he may finally come to his senses.
Someday he may learn to be less selfish.
Someday he may no longer be a coward.
Someday he may finally grow up and be a man.
But someday is too long to wait.

Someday might be tomorrow. Someday might be his deathbed.
Someday is a word he uses when he doesn't want to make a commitment.

Someday I may learn to trust and respect him again.
Someday I may learn to like him as a person once more.
Someday we might share once more the camaraderie we used to share.
Someday I may no longer feel as hurt as I do now.

But for now, I would rather keep it like this.

It would be as though we never met again.

I would remember him as the boy I used to know in school.

I'd wipe out as best I can, my memory of him as the charred holey remains of a shell I met again years later.

Because no matter how hard I tried to fill that shell, I could never do so.
No matter how much tears I filled it up with, it never did fill.

So I've stopped trying. It's too late for me.
Perhaps not for him, but for me.

Because it hurts to feel used.
Because it hurts to feel cheated on.
Because it hurts to care and yet realise it's one-sided.
Because it hurts to love a person incapable of loving.
Because it hurts to feel stupid and question your own judgment.
Because it hurts to know you've been betrayed.
Because it hurts to ask yourself:
'You hurt me more than I deserve, how can you be so cruel? I love you more than you deserve, why am I such a fool?'

Love and acceptance has to be borne, it cannot be expected from someone else.
If you hold someone's hand, you would never let it go. But it you ask someone to hold yours, you never know when you would be let go of.
You have to love and accept yourself first, before someone else can love and accept you. Because truly, how the world sees you, is how much you see, and show of, yourself to the world.

I suppose that truth is something he would never understand. Partly because he has never really wanted to try. An empty peace without true commitment is always what he had sought after. He is still a spoilt, selfish, cowardly little brat. A wilful 4-year-old who throws tantrums when he doesn't get what he want. Took me awhile to see that, and come to terms with it. All the women in his life, he had never treated well. Not the first, not the second, not the third, not the fourth, and not even his mother. He had never had enough respect for anyone of them to tell anyone of them the full truth at all times.

He hates himself. TOO much. And he expects other people to fill that gap in his life. To make him feel good about himself. To keep him from hating himself. He doesn't realise only he himself can do that for himself.

I refuse to live like that. Yet that is the very painful truth I had to finally come to terms with. That was what sealed the decision for me. A boy who has no respect for his parents, and who hates himself, is extremely flawed in character.

And the truth is, no matter how elitist this may sound, but Oprah Winfrey was right. We should surround ourselves only with people who would lift us up, not drag us down.

I hope this would be the end of it. The last of it. I'm turning my wounds into wisdom. Because I know, the way we're meant to be is that where there is no struggle, there is no strength.

Perhaps that was his problem from Day 1. But it's no longer my problem. It never was in the first place. All he's ever done for me was tell me 'No'. No, I wasn't good enough. No, I wasn't hot enough. No, I wasn't skinny enough (I should weigh less than 45kgs). No, I didn't smell good enough. No, No, No. Fuck it, he had never earned the right to tell me Yes in the first place. So why take a No?

'When it comes to being lucky, he's first,
When it comes to loving me, he's the worst.'

Here are more of my favourite quotes from the Great Coloured Lady:

1. Never take a 'no' from somebody who isn't in a position to give you a 'yes' in the first place.

2. We are each responsible for our own life - no other person is or even can be.

3. The thing you fear most has no power. Your fear of it is what has the power. Facing the truth really will set you free.

4. If you want your life to be more rewarding, you have to change the way you think.

5. I believe the choice to be excellent begins with aligning your thoughts and words with the intention to require more from yourself.

6. You are built not to shrink down to less but to blossom into more.

7. It is confidence in our bodies, minds and spirits that allows us to keep looking for new adventures, new directions to grow in, and new lessons to learn - which is what life is all about.

8. I believe that one of life's greatest risks is never daring to risk.

9. For everyone of us that succeeds, it's because there's somebody there to show you the way out. The light doesn't always necessarily have to be in your family.

10. We can't become what we need to be by remaining what we are.

11. I know that you cannot hate other people without hating yourself.

Writing

I'm creating a site specifically for my writing.

Gonna start writing again.

:) I feel good.

A little sad to say goodbye to the old me, but without death, there wouldn't be life, would there? Without goodbyes, there wouldn't be hellos.

Everything happens for a reason.

And I wouldn't settle for second best.

My Fave Quote of the Week.

It doesn't matter that I'm so going to overdose on most if not all of these food because like what they always said in camp, "What the mind can perceive, the body can conceive." So, I perceive that after eating all these, I will be SLIM, SEXY and HOT. Sorrylah for being so perasan but I need to perceive it so that I can conceive it. :P

~My former student, A.T.~

LoL!!! I taught her well, apparently. :P She's going off to be yet another Teresian Ivy-Leaguer soon. All the Best! ;)

Student, u take me for all that makan when u get back again :)

But for now, i'll be a good former teacher and say: Study Smart, Study as Hard as you Party ;) cos u've only got uni years once. Don't waste it mooning over stupid useless boys, and ruining the rest of your life by making excuses for living :) You've got ur youth only once too. Make the best of it. You never know if you die tomorrow in some freak accident :P I know: CHOI!!!

So Party Hard, Study Hard, Party SMART, Study SMART, Regret Nothing. There's always something to be learnt from everyone and everything.

Good Luck! MUAX! :)

stories from a forgotten land

got some silly stories to tell of my (mis)adventures over at the east coast.

but i'm tired, and so damn busy, and i've got the heavin' feelin', so i'll put it off to another day.

do remind me.

Autobots! Transform and Roll Out!

Find out which Transformer you are at LiquidGeneration!

so i'm secretly boring :P ok, now u know my biggest secret....
underneath all that insanity, mischieviousness and tongue-in-cheek sexual innuendoes and comments, i'm actually very cautious, and very quiet. and i prefer level-headed dissections any day to bimbotic loud 'hEwOw!! i WUV uuuuuu.... AHHHHH!!!! HaWwIe PoTteR!!!!'

:P man, how do ppl type like that anyway?

What the eyes cannot see....

Project came in just before I came back in to work.

The moment I came back, there's a whole lotta stuff to do.

Been working like a dog these past few days, get back from work late and exhausted trying to rush the deadline.

It's good in a way. Will be too tired to let my mind wander.

However, I've been wondering why I've been sick so often since I moved to my new room. After some long due cleaning up, I found the culprit.

Fungi.... Wood fungi. Sighs.....

Oh this is just great... to top off everything....

I hate the physical manifestations of the see-saw of my emotional state. It's more than my body can handle, sometimes.

First, the breakouts, which is caused by weeks of stress. Then the bleeding, which is bad, considering I actually suffer from low-blood pressure and mild anaemia. This would be 2-3 weeks after.

I need to clean the cobwebs in my closet like I clean my room...
I need to get ALL the poison out of my system..... But...., how?

Can I not care what happens? Should I think of just ME for once?

I abhor living a lie. I can't do it.

I abhor secrets. I'm not the type to hide....

So...

Pondering, pondering.....

What to do? What to do?

I'm THAT FAT meh???

i've been told i'm insane.

i've been told i'm cheeky.

not too long ago, i was a Class A nerd. like, seriously! :P

aye, i think i still am.

so i don't quite know where to place myself.

all i know is, i've always been odd. not queer, darling, i appreciate way too much the aesthetic beauty of the male body to swing the other way, much to my dismay. as a quite-nearly-there faggy boy (well, at least, he acts faggy sometimes) once told me: turning bi-curious doubles your chances of getting laid. :P to which i replied: hunny, i ain't got no trouble gettin' laid, babe.

so yeah, i don't quite know where i stand sometimes. a cheeky class A nerd?

anyway, i was walking at a prominent shopping complex yesterday evening with two of my galpals, we were about to go home after a swanky dinner. yep, girls like to pamper themselves. :) boys, note this, and note it well: the better ur woman feels about herself, the better she'd make u feel. really, she'd make u one happy happy boy. of course, that is if both of u really like each other enough to care. that goes without saying, no?

there was an OSIM promotion going on. well, one of the salesboys were trying to convince us to try their product. unfortunately the poor boy was pointing to the uZap poster, while trying to convince my friend. oooo.....

ok, none of us make a stick insect look curvy. and honestly, i like my ass JUST the way it is, thank you very much. at least if i'm getting screwed, my man ain't gonna feel no pain after 6 hours straight of thrusting. that way, he can do more of it in the morrow. ok?

so no, i don't wanna weigh under 45kgs. i know, MOST (not ALL) moronic chinese boys like their females plank-like. meaning: 'front dun have, back dun have', please sway like a waterlily, listen to everything i say, cling to me like a barnacle and never let me go even if i do u sooo sooooooo bad. cos my self-esteem can't take no shit from no real woman.

my poor friend. she was trying to ignore him. he was insistent. biasa-lerrr, salesman. so i spoke loudly to the friend between us: Just tell him laaa..... i'm THAT FAT meh???

friend B stared at me, shocked. friend A turned her attention away from salesman towards me. salesman was shocked for awhile then quickly recovered and said: Not fat.... massage maa.....

all three of us burst out laughing, and walked away.

kekeke.....

insane meh? evil meh? just mischievous laaa.... having been brought up constantly under the hawk-like eyes of my very watchful parents, i'm just making up for lost time. ;)

Dragonflies

Been seeing too many dragonflies of late. I walk out of the house, and I see a dragonfly. Whether the real thing, or a human interpretation of it.

I wonder what it means....

Not that I don't like dragonflies. I love them. Caught them as a child. Studied the different colours and intricacies of the wing patterns. Then I released them.

Yep! I is kampung girl. I could tell the difference between a male and female dragonfly as a girl. Not sure I remember how to now anymore, though.

Even as a 5-year-old, I loved Biology.

Had always preferred dragonflies to butterflies, for some reason. Perhaps I liked the fact that dragonflies seem to be able to move from water to air. It's as though they made something out of themselves from humble beginnings.

Never mind. I'm rambling. And beginning to sound even more like a madwoman than usual. :)

I'm not superstitious, or anything, but... there has been times in my life when a recurring event/object/creature means some Greater Power up there is trying to tell me something.

Dreams. Objects. Events. Form 5. Form 6. University. PG Dip. Now.

Dejavu.

I wonder what it means.

I really do think Someone's trying to tell me something. It's getting way too often to be ignored.

Should go and find out if dragonflies mean anything, and if they do, what they symbolise.

Sigh.... Now I sound even more insane than I already am. :P

Men are like Shoes.....

I have a friend.

She has little feet.

She has bought herself 3 pairs of vinyl finished white peeptoe heels of varying heel heights because she wants to find that perfect white pair.....

Who wants white heels in size 3 1/2? E-mail me. She can't use it anyway :P She can't walk in them.

I have learnt, from her shoe-buying habits that...

She searches for the perfect shoes like she searches for the perfect man.

1. Look for cheaper ones first.

2. Try them out then. If there isn't a match, don't bother.

3. If it's ok ok, can do lah. Try to make it fit as best as possible. Try to make it work. (The amount of money she spent on Scholl paddings probably cost more than the shoes now....) If after doing everything, and trying a couple of times more (i.e. 2-3 times, both for shoes, and for men), it still doesn't work, discard. Get new one.

4. Sometimes you find one that fits you perfectly, it'd cost you a lot, though. But it'd be SOOOOO worth it.

Conclusion? Men are like shoes.....

1. The cheap ones wear out fast. And they don't fit very well.

2. The amount of padding and effort used to make it as comfy as possible to fit you isn't worth it, and isn't going to work long term. In fact, it's only going to cost you more.

3. So put the investment and the effort in one that's worth it, one that fits you best.

4. It costs you initially, but it lasts for years and years, and it only gets better with age. It's a long term investment that brings better returns with time.

As for the Miss I know above? She now has shoes she's only worn less than 5 times, less than 5 hours each time. Anyone with size 3 1/2 (36) feet and looking for white peeptoes, let me know. Maybe you can get it from her at a discounted price. :P

Decisions

Whoever implied/said growing up was fun/easy needs his nads removed in the most painful way possible.

It ain't easy. Or fun.

And right now, I feel like bloody murder on the one hand, and a painful resignation on the other.

Some things are best served cold. And unannounced.

Decisions.

Should I, should I not?

Who would suffer?

How do I clean up the mess after? 'Cos I know I'd have to do it. Assholes just shit and leave the shit to decompose on its own. Or hope someone would clean up after them. They wouldn't be assholes if they took responsibility for their own actions now, would they?

Then again, perhaps I should let assholes have a taste of their own medicine now, no?

Damage control.

How could I minimise the damage that would be done?

Or should I just let all hell break lose?

Not like I have much to lose, anyway. What's there left to lose?

I've built up my life from scratch once before, I can do it again.

And again. And again.

I don't like getting out of my relative comfort zone right now, but hell, if that's what it takes, that's what I'd do.

There is only one way for redemption. There is but one answer. I will make no more concessions. I've made too many too often as it is. At too many people's expense.

My mistake was taking too long to make my stand. And being too kind.

Explanations are for pussies who use it as another way of making another million excuses. A coward's form for being 'the wolf in sheep's clothing.'

The explanation is only worthy when followed up with the necessary deed.

Spare me the BS. Really. I've known too many NATO (No Action Talk Only) members in my 20 odd years in my life as it is.

It's disgusting.

Adios para siempre.