epic fail

the sleepless nights. waking up during the witching hours. i hope they'd end.

last night was probably our last big fight. i can't do the friend thing. not now anyway. each time the wounds would re-open all over again. stuck in relationship limbo... what's the point? can't talk like friends do, can't talk like lovers do. neither here, nor there.

he hasn't learnt. going back to his old blogs when he wrote about how the girl he was going out with then got upset because he ignored her as he was trying to close shop at 3am and she pulled a big drama on him. women... they just wanna know u take notice. that even if u put them off, u don't put them off for too long. and u'd remember and care enough to return as soon as you can. simple. it's not that hard to say: work. tty when done. and u do. call when u're done at work, that is. not after u finish work, go yumcha with friends for 2 hours. and by the time u get home all u wanna do is pass out. was it any wonder she was pissed then? and i was pissed when we were together? that blog was what, 2003, 2004? 4 years later, it's the same thing. except it's now me. and i do it mostly during normal people's hours, meaning wake up around 8am, sleep around 11-12pm.

my mistake from the start, was giving him too much leeway. compromising too much. 

oh, you can't make it down? :(:(:(:(:( why? work? :(:(:(:(:( ok lah :( i come up lor....

why can't you make it down this month? :( no money? :( sighs.... ok lah :( i come up lor.....

and so i do, i fed myself to a relationship that had an imbalance of power from the start. i gave too much, demanded too little. in any close relationship there has to be give and take. he took too much, gave too little in return. time, bridging the distance- affection, attention, appreciation. very little were given.

first i argued about it... then he says i don't understand. so i tried. and i took it lying down. now he says where did the girl he fell in love with went? the one who wouldn't take anything lying down?

i wonder now, though... if he could have given that girl who wouldn't take anything lying down what she wanted to be happy. she would have:

1. insisted he came down at least once a month like he promised to at the start of the relationship. made time for it. not just come down and spent time (inclusive of sleeping) for 7-8 hours and head back up. that's a rubbish trip. insisted that he take leave if he had to to spend time with his then very new gf. because if he can't spend the necessary amount of time with a girlfriend, he has no right to have one in the first place.

2. whether or not money was tight, the relationship should have been priority. and the necessary trips to be made to bridge the gap would be priority. if he knows that money would be tight for a certain month, he should save up on it, scrimp from other places like he would if he really really really wanted that souped-up gaming mouse. spent less on movies, yumchas, drinking, other activities. instead of just saying: money's a bit tight for me this month. i can't come down. maybe u can come up instead? well, i was a fool. i came up. that spitfire i was would have said: NO. if we mean anything to you, you save up and come down. after all, he could say it to me, so why can't i? if you can dish it out, make sure you can take it in. 

3. she would've given him 3 chances to decide on how to work out the relationship and stick to it, instead of the: i don't knows and the i'm not sures and the maybes and the let's just trys and the give it some times. she would've given him 3 chances and once those were up and nothing much has changed, she would've tossed him out the door. but i was foolish. and love made me blind. and so i stayed. again and again and again. AND again. until i'm a complete wreck and i've almost forgotten who i was. till he was caught red-handed and reality slapped me in the face.

sacrifices cannot just be a one-way street.

i should not have. 'cos this boy... he can dish it out, but he can't take it in. his ego wouldn't let him. there's just 'me' in his universe. there's only 'we' when it's convenient for him, suited him.

he says i was the one who called it off. how not to? when it's not working? when i'm a reservoir that he has drained dry to nourish himself but put little water back in? with each usage, more was taken out, less was being put back in. just because one person was the one to call it off, doesn't mean that the person hurts any less. perhaps the person hurts even more. i called it off as a means of self-preservation. to protect myself. so that he could stop hurting me. so that i'd stop crying every damn night over his broken promises, his half-truths, his lack of conviction, his need for constant understanding, support and affection, but little understanding, support and affection in return, his need for instant gratification. i called if off, yes. was i supposed to bleed myself to emotional death before he was happy?

he says i set a time-limit for him. i waited a year for him to fix himself, to regain the confidence and conviction i had glimpsed when we first met. yet he can't seem to find his footing. yet he dallied. was i supposed to wait for him forever and put myself on the backburner while he did the Melbourne shuffle? he wanted me to move north to where he was. how was i supposed to without a suitable job? while he was at the job that took him away from me 95% of the time? was i supposed to make the biggest sacrifice ever for a relationship that was shaky by month 3? was i supposed to sacrifice everything before he was willing to make any major ones for me? that was unfair. and he knows it too. he just wouldn't admit it. yes, i set him a time-limit. because i will be 28. he will be 34. we don't have forever to waste. and if he doesn't feel any urgency whatsoever, he'd be shuffling along as he had for the past 9 years. if he wishes to do that, it's his choice. but i can make other choices.

so yes, he can be angry that at least i held my ground where it mattered most to me. he can think i'm an ultra-dramatic psycho bitch. possessive, jealous, demanding. he can call me all the names he want when he's angry just as he has been doing all this while. so be it. he tells me to go fuck myself. unfortunately for him and for me, i've been doing that all this while. because he has hardly been around. would it make a difference? yes, of course, some. but still...

it wasn't the first time he's said that to a girl: go fuck yourself. words of war he can't retract. i'm only wondering why, more often than not, he only realises he needs to fix himself once everything has turned to ash. once the whole town is razed to the ground, and salt has been tilled into the earth. when the whole town is barren wasteland for him. maybe months or years later, then he'd ask: what went wrong? ashes to ashes. dust to dust. the question should've been asked during the relationship: what's going wrong? but that's just what i think. he probably feels differently.

as for me, i wonder why at 28, all i've got to show for my meagre love life is a string of epic failures. was he the worst? hell, no. then again, perhaps if we'd had stayed in the same town, we'd have been friends but never lovers, instead. he always was a better friend after all.

what do i think? personally?

mistake number 1. i let myself get swallowed up by the relationship. he gave many many excuses for avoiding life, for loving me correctly. he said i was not understanding. so i tried so hard to be. every time he didn't do something, i compensated for it. i should've made him take ownership and responsibility of the relationship as well, instead of doing it all on my own.

i should have insisted that he acted like a boyfriend. a real boyfriend. and not made excuses. because i am worth it. i am worth every penny he saves to see me, all the time he had to spend to come down and look me up. because i'm worth it.

unfortunately, i let my self worth drown because he made me feel small. maybe because he felt small, so he tried to make me feel like that too. i shouldn't have fallen for that. i shouldn't have allowed him to make me feel that way. but i loved him, and love is blind.

i should've kept my self worth intact. felt big about my self-worth. so maybe he could feel big, too. and if he didn't wanna feel big and still wanted to feel small, i should have left him. and not allowed him to persuade me to stay.

i should have left him. because he didn't want to help himself, because he was avoiding life, because he was avoiding love. and because i deserve better. because i'm worth a whole lot more than half-heartedness.

that was my mistake.