where is the paradise that we seek?
i've been so exhausted, i woke up late this morning.
i woke up again in the middle of last night, gasping for breath, both my calves shooting with excruciating pain. leg cramps. i'm too young for this. i've never had this before, not until a couple of months back. i wonder what's wrong.
i woke up again this morning to my right calf cramping on me. my body is telling me something. but i just can't place my finger on it.
i said my goodbyes last night. i wanna start anew. if we meet again, it'd hopefully be, for both of us, as different people, in a different place and in a different time. i suppose that's the only way. i've stored the two things he gave me. when i'm ready, i'd take it back out again. after all, one of it needs fixing. and i've no idea where to get it fixed. maybe it'd stay broken always, i don't know.
the butterfly effect... :
The flapping of a single butterfly's wing today produces a tiny change in the state of the atmosphere. Over a period of time, what the atmosphere actually does diverges from what it would have done. So, in a month's time, a tornado that would have devastated the Indonesian coast doesn't happen. Or maybe one that wasn't going to happen, does. (Ian Stewart, Does God Play Dice? The Mathematics of Chaos, pg. 141)
what little thing that happens in the initial stages can produce a massive effect in the near/ far future. unfortunately, we as a human race in general, fail to take note of every little thing that we do. every little thing that we say. i myself, have been guilty of this.
i read starbook during the holidays, curled up in a big bouncy bed in a guesthouse overlooking the sea, trying my darnedest to stay sane. it's a really good book. i enjoyed it immensely. ben okri is a fantastic writer. go here for reviews:
it reminded me that i'm a "work of art in formation"... as Okri depicts "how unpromising excellent things are in their youth. how awkward true beauty seems in its early stages" and how happiness can be so fleeting, and yet how that one single glorious moment can be held in a person's heart as a guide and a source of strength for many lifetimes.
life is, after all, a paradox.
all our lives, we seek understanding. we try to understand ourselves, our loved ones, the workings of the cosmos and the greater scheme of things in general. and yet sometimes, in that search, we forget the beautiful simplicity of just being, which is the very root of our souls.
paradise can be both lost and found right where we are.
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