Lapse

I've some dark secrets that no one knows.

Some dark secrets that I have no one to talk to about. And the ones I share it with, are no longer in my life. Or doesn't want to be. Or is just too insensitive sometimes. Or is just undependable, because they're just self-absorbed like that. Nice when it's convenient for them, rude when it's convenient for them. Oh, who ask you to call me now? I'm not free, of course I can't give you an answer now!

What happened to, "I'll talk to you later?" or "Hang on, call me back in 30 mins?"

What happened to good old-fashioned manners, good old-fashioned class? Or are those just reserved for strangers? While the people closest to you are taken for granted?

I get lapses. Because dark secrets torment you. They make you sleepless. They make you wake in the middle of the night for things that can't be named. They wake you up to cold chills, curled into a ball, hugging your middle, tears down your face. And so I long for company sometimes. Just a physical touch. Human warmth. Just a hug. A cuddle. Simple as that, sometimes.

But it's too expensive a price to pay. A lapse can be the worst thing that can happen to a girl. Especially when everything is still so wrong. When the attention, appreciation and affection is still not there. Or it's just there when it's convenient. That's not how it should be. It's a commitment. Sometimes you make a decision, and you've got to decide to stick it out, no matter what. No matter how angry, how cold, how hateful one feels. If the underlying commitment is there, rash emotions should not matter.

So excuse me, while I leave this behind till I'm ready. While I retreat into my own shell. While I vaporise out of reach and out of touch. 'Cos I can still be found, if one really wants to find me. When almost a heart finally gets a full bleeding heart.

It's pointless saying many things but not doing any of them after all.