Fragments

Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance between two people. Sometimes it's the distance between oneself and his emotions. And sometimes it's between a fallen one and salvation.

**

Have you ever had one of those moments, when all you wanted to do was disappear? Just. Disappear. Into the swirling, churning vortex of oblivion. Get lost in a city of billions. Drown in a sea of faces. Hide in the darkest shadows. Be common. Be nothing. Faceless. Nameless. Soulless. Nothingness.

**

Endless: Destiny, Death, Dream, Desire, Despair, Delirium, Destruction. Neil Gaiman is a genius. Dark, disturbing, but a genius nonetheless.

**

Boundaries...
At some point you have to make a decision.
Boundaries don't keep other people out.
They fence you in. Life's messy.
That's how we're made.
So you can waste your lives drawing lines,
Or you can live your life crossing them.

There was a time I related so well with some of the lines from Grey's Anatomy.

I'd rather live my life building bridges rather than erecting walls.... so explain to me why at times I feel an overwhelming need to build up my defenses. I'm not into attacking, most times I prefer to be left alone. But that never really works. So to avoid being completely crushed, I've always had to be constantly cautious, even defensive. And when I let down my guard occasionally, experience has taught me that it is, more often than not, a very bad move. So over and over again, after each crushing defeat, the defenses go up, higher with each subsequent time, faster in its rebuilding, thicker and stronger. And then up go the armaments.

I wish this weren't so. But tell me, how do I balance self-preservation and building bridges? Perhaps someday I'd have my answer that's out of the box. But for now, it's a terrible quandary.

**

I'm guessing it's either make it, or break it.

Mourning and Healing

this was meant to be blogged earlier. because it was something that happened over the weekend. but i only managed to find some time now.

sometimes the biggest epiphanies hits you between the eyes when you least expect it to.

spent the wee hours of sunday crying quietly in bed.

spent saturday night out celebrating a good buddy's birthday, ex-housemates from 'the apartment'. the scandalous apartment. the one with booze parties and things that happen with booze parties. u get the picture.

there's something i wanna say to someone who shared that table that saturday night.

**

thank you. i took up that dare because i needed to feel like a woman again. because i needed to heal.

no, i didn't realise it then. all i felt then was depression, and pain suppressed so deeply in me, it took all i had to not go back to the darkness i thought i had left behind when i moved out.

of course, you probably didn't realise i was doing that. how could you, when i barely realised it myself?

i'm not even sure anyone at that booze party realise the fragile mask i had put on. the anger and frustration behind the smile. the mask-it was pure china, all of it.

there were signs, though, i normally don't start a drinking session by sculling whiskey neat, immediately. shot after shot of it. special brew, to boot. i like to start my drinking session slow and easy, normally.

i wonder if anyone noticed the craziness in my eyes. then again, i was wearing my glasses. it was dark. and i act crazy all the time. add to that the fact that everyone was trying to knock themselves out. no, i guess not.

i'm sorry if knowing this now would make you feel used. i don't mean it to. i didn't even realise it then. i suppose we'd always be teased about it. which is fine by me. i did ask for it by taking up your challenge. after all... i was single then, and so were you. you liked it then, and so did i.

and though i suspect you too, were harbouring your own dirty little depressing secret, it was still no excuse.

i doubt you know what you did for me. how broken i was inside then. how i curled myself up into a little ball every night as i wrapped myself around the middle in the protective foetal position while i sobbed myself to sleep. how i hated what i did, what had happened, what i had allowed myself to happen, how i allowed it to happen, how i allowed him to treat me the way he did, who i was.

how i felt the secrets and lies and deceit were too much for me to bear, and the burden of holding it was crushing me underneath it's weight. how i felt i could speak to no one, and the loneliness of that was choking me. how i feared for my own sanity, and the depression was so dark, holding me in it's visceral grip, i felt i could never set myself free.

i lost perspective. i lost confidence. i lost my sense of self. i lost sight. i lost sense. i lost hearing. i lost touch. with myself. with reality. self-preservation. self-worth. self-confidence. all slowly came crumbling down in a span of several ugly months.

yet i have no regrets. i'm a success. it's only a failure, only a regret if i never learnt from it. i did. i still do. it was hard-fought, hard-earned, and terribly pricey, but i came out a victor at the end. battered, bruised, left for dead, but i survived. i made it, and i'm stronger, and happier, and, hopefully, wiser.

so i do have to thank you for helping me heal... i suppose the moment i sculled that shot, and took your hand to get on that balcony, i made a conscious decision to start forgetting and start healing. quick. who better to make me feel like a sexpot again than one known for making women quiver within a 30-mile radius? after having had my face rubbed into horse manure, over and over again, it was high time to wipe the tears, wash myself, put on my best clothes and sexiest strut and have me some sexytime.

and it worked. better than i myself thought. it was a confidence-booster. it was sewing up old hurts and storing them away. it was knowing i still have it in me to make a man perk up and take notice. i needed that, and you gave it to me, with or without knowing you did it.

and although things almost got out of hand, i'm glad things didn't get further than they did, though. it shouldn't, and it didn't. so let's just keep what happened there where it is. i wouldn't change what happened on the merit of what i got out of it. i consider it a gift, and i thank you for it.

i know you liked it as much, but i sure hope it wasn't a regret. we've both moved on from there, after all.

like they say: all's well that end's well. que sera sera.

christmas around the corner!

i've been so darn busy at work, i almost forgot christmas is less than a month away until going on joey's multiply reminded me...

so i tuned in to christmas radio.. and i started dancing to Jingle Bell Rock :P

christmas had always been a favourite season.. all that altruistic love and happy jolly feeling. easter is a time for somber spiritual development, christmas... christmas is a time for the young and young at heart to be all lovey-dovey :P a time for giving and good will all around.

and the parties!! year-end parties are the best!

i miss christmas at home. in a place that's majority christian, with the hugest catholic cathedral in the nation, u can feel the excitement strumming through the air by late october. that buzz... the preparation for christmas choir and christmas carolling...christmas deco everywhere... christmas songs blasting everywhere, every shopping area would be playing christmas jingles.

dammit... i miss christmas at home. i had planned to go back this year, but my parents would be around instead. which is great, i miss them, but there's nothing like going back to the cathedral where you spent every sunday as a girl staring at the sunlight streaming through the stained glass windows casting shadows of a myriad colours over the pews. and you're wondering how they got the glass such a brilliant blue, or red, or green. and you're thinking... it's so pretty. and when you're bored, you run outside to climb the walls of the church with the other children. while your parents prayed inside, you played outside :P but always, you go back inside to look for mommy.

then as you grew older, you became an out-standing catholic... cos the cathedral was too darn hot for you at times... but the bigger reason was that it was so much fun half-listening to the sermons while staring at fashion parade outside... the peacocks were so pretty, dressed in the latest converse bags and shoes. the bold and the beautiful were always outside at sunset mass, whether or not they were catholics :)

then you left school, and every time you could go home and go to church was precious, so this time you sat inside, and prayed like your parents did, and you'd meet friends outside after mass. guess you grew up, somewhat.

all those years, church on sundays, first friday masses in school, school feastday masses, days of obligation, and you fidgeted at the thought of staying the entire duration of the mass in church, especially 2 to 2 1/2 hour long high masses. yet now you would rather spend easter triduum and christmas season at home. odd how things turn out.

who wants to watch christmassy movies with me?

I’ll be home for Christmas,
You can count on me,
Please have snow, and mistletoe,
And presents ‘neath the tree.
Christmas Eve will find me,
Where the lovelight gleams,
I’ll be home for Christmas,
If only in my dreams…
Christmas Eve will find me,
Where the lovelight gleams,
I’ll be home, I’ll be home,
If only in my dreams…

and my customary Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas

Christmas future is far away,
Christmas past is past,
Christmas presents are here to stay,
Bringing joy that may last
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light,
In a year, our troubles will be out of sight
Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yuletide gay,
In a year, our troubles will be miles away
Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore,
Precious friends who are dear to us,
Gather near to us once more
In a year, we all will be together,
If our fates allow,
Until then, we’ll just have to muddle through somehow,
And have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Christmas hugs and kisses all around! :P

oh wait... that's in 3 weeks time :)

listening to: Jim Brickman's Greensleeves on Merry Christmas Radio

another write-up on the P-word

i call it the P-word like it's a dirty word.

and it is....

since september, there has been three well-known rallies.

it is now end of november. which means in the span of three months, police brutality has been highlighted in three different incidents.

all three were peaceful to START with, and ended up with police brutality and force. the one yesterday ended up on the BBC on racial grounds.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/7111646.stm

i'm busy today. i have work to do. one of my company's famous 'monitorings'. those who know me would know what that means.

all i can say, seeing this from my viewpoint is UGH... UGLY UGLY.

the rallies DID serve a greater good, though. it highlights the folly of current governance to the world. u don't break up peaceful rallies by bundling people up into police vans and spraying tear gas and water cannons at an unarmed public. WTF weiii.... WTF.

Stress at Work: The Result... Quizzes :P

yes... i fantasise about murder at times... especially cutting up certain morons... *rolls eyes*

Sleeping Aid

I have a few friends who says the most boggling things. Here is an excerpt from a conversation on MSN with one of them. Yes, I asked his permission to post this up, especially for my single girlfriends' reading pleasures. I think they'd find it as hilarious as I. And I want feedback on his ideas, btw. Do post comments. Anonymously if it makes you comfortable to post something outrageous. Though knowing my friends, they would probably happily post their ideas with their names proudly emblazoned over it :P


Me says (2:57 PM):
LOL: so that's why little boys can run faster than little girls-ball bearings and stick shift!
Mr X says (2:58 PM):
haha
Me says (2:58 PM):
:D oi! what's 7 inches
Me says (2:58 PM):
i give up :P
Mr X says (2:59 PM):
dont give up
Mr X says (2:59 PM):
i wanna know .
Mr X says (2:59 PM):
because i dont
Mr X says (2:59 PM):
lol
Me says (2:59 PM):
huh?
Me says (2:59 PM):
u dont know what's 7 inches?
Me says (2:59 PM):
i dont know la wei
Me says (3:00 PM):
is it anatomy or what?
Me says (3:00 PM):
cant be intestines
Me says (3:00 PM):
that's like 3 basketball court long
Mr X says (3:00 PM):
clitoris ?
Me says (3:01 PM):
cannot be
Me says (3:01 PM):
:P
Me says (3:01 PM):
the labia maybe
Me says (3:01 PM):
the vagina is only 3-4 inches long, i think
Me says (3:01 PM):
but expandable
Me says (3:01 PM):
if i remember right
Mr X says (3:01 PM):
expandable lenghtwise ?
Me says (3:02 PM):
width length depth
Me says (3:02 PM):
amazing thing that is :P
Me says (3:02 PM):
but only the first few centimeters of it is very sensitive
Mr X says (3:03 PM):
yes yes
Mr X says (3:03 PM):
if only they were bigger.
Me says (3:03 PM):
nearer up the cervix, surgery can be performed minus anaesthesia..
Me says (3:03 PM):
LOL
Mr X says (3:03 PM):
i'd make a fortune selling them as sleeping bags
Me says (3:03 PM):
selling vaginas as sleeping bags?!
Mr X says (3:04 PM):
yeah !
Me says (3:04 PM):
wtf
Me says (3:04 PM):
how
Me says (3:04 PM):
what
Me says (3:04 PM):
huh
Me says (3:04 PM):
*boggled*
Mr X says (3:04 PM):
like .
Mr X says (3:04 PM):
ermm
Mr X says (3:04 PM):
stick ur finger in there.
Me says (3:04 PM):
ok, i should hang out with u more often, u say the funniest things
Me says (3:04 PM):
hahahahahaha
Mr X says (3:04 PM):
how good does ur finger feel ?
Mr X says (3:04 PM):
damn nice . .
Me says (3:04 PM):
OMFG :D
Me says (3:04 PM):
ok
Me says (3:05 PM):
LOL
Mr X says (3:05 PM):
sooo .
Mr X says (3:05 PM):
a vagina sleeping bag would be hella comfortable riht ?
Me says (3:05 PM):
yep
Me says (3:05 PM):
sure
Me says (3:05 PM):
:P
Me says (3:06 PM):
vagina sleeping bag indeed :D
Mr X says (3:06 PM):
yes yes
Mr X says (3:06 PM):
wat next ?
Me says (3:06 PM):
what would u come up with next?
Mr X says (3:06 PM):
penis bolster ?
Me says (3:06 PM):
haha!
Mr X says (3:07 PM):
testicle excercise balls ?
Me says (3:07 PM):
a penis is meant to be inside of me, not outside :P
Mr X says (3:07 PM):
i'd make more money marketing it as a bolster than a dildo
Me says (3:07 PM):
:P testicles too sensitive la wei
Me says (3:07 PM):
why bolster?
Mr X says (3:07 PM):
what u ppl end up doing with it is none of my business
Mr X says (3:07 PM):
because more ppl would buy a bolster
Mr X says (3:08 PM):
and its easier to sell
Me says (3:08 PM):
ok... what size would penis bolster be?
Me says (3:08 PM):
pray tell :P
Mr X says (3:08 PM):
4 ft centre bolster .
Mr X says (3:09 PM):
with multiple .. 7inches sticking out and opposite angles .
Me says (3:09 PM):
LOL
Me says (3:09 PM):
wow dude. genius is you yet
Me says (3:10 PM):
i'm damn tempted to post this up anonymously and see what my cheeky girlfriends say about this
Me says (3:10 PM):
LOL
Mr X says (3:10 PM):
especially the single ones
Me says (3:10 PM):
which is MOST of them anyway
Mr X says (3:10 PM):
hahar
Mr X says (3:10 PM):
do it .

this is what boys are for, btw. :P entertainment!!! :D

Foreign

Strange how the thing I'm frightened most of is myself. What I'm capable of. And the things I don't understand. And don't know. And in the stillness of the night I lie awake and wonder. If I'm a fool, or if I'm a coward. My gut clenches in fear and my heart pounds. It pounds so hard I wonder if my ribcage would burst open with the pressure.

Fear. It's a foreign vocabulary. This is foreign territory. And I'm a foreigner here.

The insecurities come doubling back. And I'm bent double from the onslaught. Merciless. Unstoppable. Sudden. With no room for weakness. No room to catch a breath. And I know not how to fight back. How to stop this.

Fear. It's a foreign vocabulary. This is foreign territory. And I'm a foreigner here. In a foreign land.

Foreign.

sighs... the old cloning debate again. remember Dolly, kids? hmm... what do you people think? let's do a quasi-poll, shall we?

**
Cloning: a giant step

For the first time, scientists have created dozens of cloned embryos from adult primates. But what are the implications of this technical breakthrough for the future of mankind?
By Steve Connor, Science Editor
Published: 12 November 2007
A technical breakthrough has enabled scientists to create for the first time dozens of cloned embryos from adult monkeys, raising the prospect of the same procedure being used to make cloned human embryos.

Attempts to clone human embryos for research have been dogged by technical problems and controversies over fraudulent research and questionable ethics. But the new technique promises to revolutionise the efficiency by which scientists can turn human eggs into cloned embryos.

It is the first time that scientists have been able to create viable cloned embryos from an adult primate – in this case a 10-year-old male rhesus macaque monkey – and they are scheduled to report their findings later this month.

The scientists will also demonstrate that they have been able to extract stem cells from some of the cloned embryos and that they have managed to encourage these embryonic cells to develop in the laboratory into mature heart cells and brain neurons.

Scientists who know of the research said it was the breakthrough that they had all been waiting for because, until now, there was a growing feeling that there might be some insuperable barrier to creating cloned embryos from adult primates – including humans.

The development will not be welcomed in all quarters. Opponents of cloning will argue that the new technique of manipulating primate eggs to improve cloning efficiency will lead to increased attempts at creating – and destroying – cloned human embryos for research purposes.

Although it is illegal in Britain to place any such cloned embryos into the womb of a woman, many people also fear that the relative ease of being able to perform cloning using the skin cells of an adult will increase the chances of its being applied to produce a cloned baby. Scientists in South Korea reported in 2004 that they had created the first cloned human embryo but in 2006 their study was retracted after it emerged that its main author, Hwang Woo-suk , had committed fraud.

There has only been one other documented example of a human embryonic clone, but it died after a few days and did not produce stem cells. The work has so far not been replicated.

The scientists who carried out the latest primate work are believed to have tried to implant about 100 cloned embryos into the wombs of around 50 surrogate rhesus macaque mothers but have not yet succeeded with the birth of any cloned offspring.

However, one senior scientist involved in the study said that this may simply be down to bad luck – it took 277 attempts, for instance, to create Dolly the sheep, the first clone of an adult mammal.

The work was led by Shoukhrat Mitalipov, a Russian-born scientist at the Oregon National Primate Research Centre in Beaverton. Dr Mitalipov helped to pioneer a new way of handling primate eggs during the cloning process, which involved fusing each egg with a nucleus taken from a skin cell of an adult primate.

Dr Mitalipov said he was unable to comment on the study until it was published in the journal Nature. But he told colleagues at a scientific meeting this year that he had made two batches of stem cells from 20 cloned embryos and tests had shown they were true clones.

Professor Alan Trounson of Monash University in Australia said Dr Mitalipov's findings represented the long-awaited breakthrough. Despite many attempts, no one had been able to produce cloned primate embryos from adult cells, yet this had been done on dozens of other non-primate species. " This is 'proof of concept' for the primate. It has been thought by some [to be too] difficult in monkeys – and humans – but those of us who work [with] animals such as sheep and cattle thought that success rates would be much like that achieved in these species," Professor Trounson said.

"Mitalipov's data confirms this. They have the skills necessary and we can now move on to consider what might be able to be achieved in humans."

Professor Don Wolf, who led the laboratory at the Oregon National Primate Research Centre before his recent retirement, said the new procedure was based on a microscopic technique that does not use ultraviolet light and dyes, which appear to damage primate eggs.

"In the early days we tried to use that technique in the monkey and unbeknownst to us at the time that was basically damaging the egg. So one of the keys was to remove that step from the process," Dr Wolf said.

"We could now produce cloned blastocysts [embryos] in the monkey at a reasonable frequency, at least a frequency that would allow us ...to study the cloned blastocyst ," Professor Wolf said.

The Oregon team, working with a group in China, has so far produced about 100 cloned embryos that have been transferred into around 50 female macaques, but none has resulted in a full-term pregnancy, he said.

"It's possible that we're still just having bad luck. We're producing may be one in 20 or one in 30 cloned blastocysts that are 'normal' and capable of producing a pregnancy and we just haven't got them into the animal recipient at the right time to allow implantation and pregnancy to occur," Professor Wolf said.

"The focus now is going to be on therapeutic cloning and using the non-human primate as a paradigm for therapeutic cloning for what you might be able to do clinically," he said.

"We're the first to do it, although it's a tainted subject because of the fraudulent research that came out of South Korea. One can never be sure but there may be some validity to what the South Koreans did. But this would now be the first documented therapeutic cloning in a primate," he added.

A brief history of cloning

The monkey-cloning technique is the same basic procedure that resulted in Dolly the sheep. The nucleus of a healthy, unfertilised egg is removed and another nucleus from the mature skin cell of an adult animal is placed inside the egg. With careful timing and the use of electrical pulses, an embryo can be created which is a genetic clone of the skin tissue donor. It is possible to implant embryos created in this way into the womb to produce cloned animals. This so-called 'reproductive cloning' of humans is illegal in Britain and many other countries. However it has been applied to a range of animal species, including:

* Cow: Many domestic cattle have been successfully cloned. First attempt to clone an endangered species was Noah, a rare gaur ox, which was cloned in the US in 2001 but died 48 hours after birth

* Mouse: Cumulina was a common brown house mouse, cloned from adult cells at the University of Hawaii in 1997. She survived to adulthood and produced two litters, before dying in May 2000

* Horse: Called Prometea, the first cloned horse, born in Italy in May 2003

* Cat: A kitten called CopyCat was born in 2002 in Texas, and gave birth to three kittens by a natural father in September 2006

* Dog: Snuppy, born in South Korea. Doubts about its authenticity were dispelled by DNA tests. The group has also cloned two wolf cubs, called Snuwolf and Snuwolffy using the same procedure. Cloned Afghan hounds named Bona, Peace and Hope have also been born

~The Independent, UK. 12 November 2007 17:03~

Cerebral Haemorrhage

been reading a book on alternate history for the past weekend, which spurred me on to read up on african issues online. haven't done this in awhile, actually.

resulting in (in short): several papers on gender issues, changing masculinities, migrant labour and unemployment, apartheid and political violence, western medical deviations and biotechnological warfare (with regards to apartheid and ethnic-cleasing). generational conflict, the clash between too-rapid urbanisation and traditional practices, in relation to homeland construction at the turn of the 21st century, and ALL of THESE affecting (and inducing) transactional sex among African women (specifically those from KwaZulu-Natal) (guess this is what someone told me would be called 'freelancers').

it's FASCINATING.

IMHO, africa and asia has a richness in cultural and historical diversity which westerners either do not have, or have forgotten. rise and fall of civilisations, i suppose. assimilation, or annihilation? you are all brilliant people. you decide.

and i'm reminded once more of 13-year-old me. wanting to volunteer as a social worker in far-off Africa. though the issue then (which still remains, though, i hope, to perhaps to a lesser degree than almost 1 and 1/2 decades ago) was female genital mutilation (i.e.: for those who don't know: the cutting off of a young girl's clitoris and sewing up her vagina leaving a teensy-weensy hole just large enough for menstrual blood to flow through. and this done using the same razor and needle for say, 50 girls. UNSTERILISED.) PREDOMINANTLY MASCULINE (but terribly uninformed, perhaps in part due to 'masculinity'?) CULTURE can be SO BLOODY CRUEL. pun intended. and men can be such assholes. makes me wonder how men would like their assholes sewn up. then maybe these macho macho men would know how it feels to have something big pushing against a tiny hole, and being unable to stretch. -.-

yeah, i'm graphic. :P been told that countless times.

and i'm a feminist. i don't make any pretensions to being otherwise. just ask friends who've known me more than a year. or read the above warning. injustice riles me. injustice against women and children makes me burst my capillaries.

opinionated feminist, i am. not the bra-burning type. what a waste of good money. i like sexy lingerie. i embrace my sexuality and the fact that i am a woman and can make a man go down on his knees if i wanna. if he be good good boy, i'd go down on mine. ;) but i can be macho too. hurhurhur. more macho than three-quarters the guys i know. pussies, all. and i'd stick a red-hot cilipadi paste-coated iron-rod the size of texas up his asshole if he's behaving like a bloody CUNT. comprende? (;) can anyone say Graphic, again?)

back to south-african papers. i digressed real far there :P

i am reminded AGAIN. somebody tell WHY am i doing what i'm doing again? i shoulda gone and studied anthropology, or anything in the social sciences. would probably have been better suited for that. oh! yeah.... i forgot. malaysian social norm of the late 90s then. generational conflict, urbanisation (in this case, the advent of globalisation), technological development (or rather the PROMISE of it), changing masculinities and gender issues, the POSSIBILITY of homeland construction (the taxpayer-friendly results of which, leaves much to be desired... oops! i meant to say, optimistically remains to be seen *smiles politically correctly and saccharine-sweetly*) at the turn of Malaysian 21st century.

silly me. how could i forget. :)

what happened? they say life got in the way. why fight it when you can join it. cynicism and bitterness comes with age. wisdom does not. neither does maturity.

i should start applying for government jobs now. oh wait!!! they only reply you THREE years later... EARLIEST. and then they send u off to far-off places....

my ovaries would be totally fried by then. oh!! wait... there's always transactional sex, right?

Chicago

watching Chicago with the girls today :) yay!!

will blog about that next week :) if work doesn't get in the way :(

high school

:D went on discussion board for STS' alumni on what was it we miss about school most:

here are some which i had ALMOST forgotten....:

1. band practice (STS band rawked!)

2. school library (yeah, we had some REALLY INTERESTING books there :P)

3. climbing over St Jude's gate when they locked it in order to go to St Joe Parish tuition (HAHAHA!! GUILTY!!! lihai lehhh... in pinafore skirts some more... *rolls eyes* damn tomboy, i know :P)

4. St Jude's Maggie Mee curry with egg. Very sedap and unique taste, I'm still trying to get the same taste for my own Maggie mee curry. (OMG... YAAAA.....)

5. The lab storeroom where they stored preserved fetuses. That's what got me hyped about biology and ended up doing vet med. Yeah, I'm a sadist. (OMG... YARRRRRRRRRRR AGAIN! we had the COOLEST bio lab shit ever!)

6. Canteen's Sarawak laksa. Bloody damn sedap and cheap too. And also the mee soup. (:D YESH... and Mee Jawa too, i think. STS' canteen food pwnts SJS' anyday :P:P:P)

7. going to toilet with a special key (:P don't ask why, we also dunno. prolly so girls don't stuff used pads down the toilet and block up the entire sewerage system of the toilet block. yah. we had toilet BLOCKS :P)

8. The 'haunted' school hall back staircase! LOL! (yeah... all the ghost stories :P)

9. The beautiful school grounds with all the trees.. falling leaves (very autumn-ish) and all that! (OMG... yessss..... i still have dreams of going back to school when the leaves are falling, and walking the school grounds with it's up hills and down hills. like i used to do every morning yonks ago...)

10. The classrooms which were never too sunny.. and from the top floor, if you were lucky, you could actually see squirrels! (squirrels, birds, and hordes of other things :P)

11. First Fridays, because classes would start late (MUAHAHAHA... and those Days of Obligation, etc. etc. i know non-catholics (*coff*psycho!*coff*) who would suddenly be catholic for a day :P

12. summerhouse's ice kacang (by the 3 sisters. old fashioned, cooked with charcoal... YUMMMMM.... they don't have it anymore :()

13. playing board games on the LAST day of exams/school (and a lot of other made-up games to entertain ourselves :P)

14. choral speaking :P

15. the colourful teachers.

16. Old St. Mike's. (for kolomee and cui kiao :D)

that's what i missed as mentioned on the discussion board.

these are mine that weren't mentioned:

17. opening the merit-demerit book on the first day of school and seeing this:
dilarang berdua-duaan di kawasan perkarangan sekolah, gereja, dan perkuburan gereja. mata demerit: 10 markah (? or was it 20 markah? whatever. it was A LOT ok, for berdua-duaan! :P)

18. having a class more than 50% prefects.... and all BLOODY CORRUPTED to boot. :P *pssstttt..... spotcheck! keep the things!* LOL!

19. hiding liquid papers, CDs, and all manner of illegal stuff behind the boards at the back of the class, and the old blackboards in front.

20. being in a reallllyyyyy oooooolllllllddddddd school. u can smell the history seeping from the halls and stairways :) and the moveable double blackboards. :P that's the only reason i watch Harry Potter movies :P it reminds me of the la sallian brothers, franciscan sisters and british education system which our own is based on. even more so back home, and in a convent school like STS. :)

21. working on the school mag with davi, marg and siew ling. that's english and bm editors for u :)

22. annoying the fuck out of our teachers. making one particular one cry in primary 5. ok, not proud of it. but he was a MAJOR ASS.

23. creating jingles..... like: on top of spaghetti... all covered with cheese..... or: batman!!! walkin' down the highway, car came the other way, FLATMAAAANNNNN!!!! :D

24. the pencil family.

25. paper hangman, and those games where we divided a paper into columns labelled: countries, names, cities, famous people, animals, etc. 98 girls would know what i'm talking about ;) man, we were nerds/geeks. :P and proud of it!

26. creating ridiculous stories.

27. burping competitions in class. C/JJ were probably the undisputed queens of the burp!

28. having a fascination and endless conversations on GI Joe, Transformers, Saber Rider from 9-12, Aladdin from 12-14, X-Files from 14-our early 20s, archaelogy (especially Egyptian) from 13-18? *rolls eyes* definitely tomboys, we were :P

29. wearing shorts underneath our pinafores.

30. hanging-out at the church compound after school.

31. the sense of school pride. :) yeah, elitist somewhat, but i can't help it. A Teresian once, a Teresian for life! it was, after all, what forged and formed my identity.

32. the life-long friendships we forged for life. :) that's priceless, girls. it really is. XOXOXO. wherever we will go. however far we would move away from home and each other. there'll always be a bond between us. :) a toast to my sisters!

anything else? :) can't think of anymore right now. and it's time to go home :D

online food diary?

it is only called failure when you learnt nothing from it.

**

blog's coloured again. i wonder where all my old blogpics are. :)

planning to go on a proper diet and exercise regime. gonna hit 30 before i know it, which also means metabolism is gonna be slowing down. would no longer be able to pull off the 2 Whopper Burger King Sets in one sitting anymore. :P yeah, that's still legend among those who know in the Kuching crowd. There were witnesses. :P

sooo.... should i blog about my eating habits then? O.o but but.... paisehhhhh worrrr..... *shy* that's like letting the whole world know i'm a GLUTTON. :P i mean, they're gonna find out when they do... but... i need not Announce it, yes? Yes?

i DID try it once. yerdeh was shocked at the amount i was able to consume. @.@

sighs. i'll sleep on it.

customize customize

on a customization spreeeeee..........

on another note: i is very the brokums this month *sniffles*
sighs.

early morning breaking news

i reached work today, and the first thing i saw while waiting for the lift:

the news:
"Make more babies, Chinese told."

The Chinese are told to have more children to increase the dwindling population.

My reaction: O.O
Then: -.-
Then: >:(

Of course, I probably didn't remember that verbatim, but I definitely got the essence of it.

Now I'm not sure which moron politician (yep, don't have much respect for politicians, especially local ones. there's in fact a book on the 'fantastic things' local politicians say, costs about RM20 from Kino, btw) said that, but I wanna shoot out the person's nads.

to explain my reactions:

O.O: WHICH IDIOT WOULD SAY THAT?
-.-: WHY would anyone say that? our population is increasing every year. (overall pop. that is, some ppl beranak twice a year and have like 9-15 kids in one family. wat.... i'm not kidding, i've seen it. just recently, too.)
>:(: and WHO is gonna pay for the cost of bringing up scads of babies?!

i'm in my mid-twenties. i have a relatively stable job. it pays, well, enough. but i have NO intention of having babies at least in the next 3-5 years. 'cos i don't think i can AFFORD to bring up one in the manner or fashion or lifestyle (whichever ur poison) i'd like he/she to be accustomed too. and i'm still striving for MY own personal satisfaction. i still want my freedom. my independence. having babies is A LOTTA HARD WORK. and personal sacrifice. yep. i love babies. it's a mutual fascination, babies and i. i'd love to have one when i'm ready. operative word here: READY. but i've got both my feet planted on terra firma. babies are expensive. babies require constant supervision. babies take up a lot of time and effort.

having babies is difficult. and a full-time job. so why don't that smart-aleck go have 10 babies of his/her own, then. memandai-mandai. let's see if said genius would still be singing the same tune after baby no. 10. (yep, by then, he/she woulda forgotten the names. like chinese families of old. tua hia, ji hia, sa hia, and so on and so forth. malay families, too, no? along, angah, adik. i don't speak tamilian, so i wouldn't know about indian families. but i'm sure they have their equivalent.)

and it doesn't help that being, well, chinese, i'm considered unimportant, and overlooked by the local governance. if my grades in school were given the opportunity it should've been given, well, i wouldn't be here now. but let's not talk about me. my point is that, if i'm gonna be having babies, i want them to have a better life than i do. not that my life is bad, mind, but it could be better. i would want them to have choices i never had. i understand my parents POV in pushing me to extremes academically. they think academia could get me farther than anything else could. i'm not sure they're right, but i understand it, at least. it's that same desire that i have for future children. a better state of living.

there's a reason chinese people have relatively small families. one, two, three kids. cap it. it's a matter of quality, not quantity. household income of appox. RM70K-RM80K per annum, both parents working, children to put through school with a quality education, inclusive of at least a bachelor's degree in mind. all with the parent's own savings. just in case. don't depend on someone else. how to afford having 5 children? have you seen how expensive baby formula can be? or babies' clothing? one of those little things can buy me 3 tops at least.

yeah, i know what you're gonna say... OMG U THINK THAT FAR? yes, i do. gotta plan for the future, innit?

ok, fine. cos since i hit 18, i don't have much faith in men, and i considered being a single mother. as in, go for sperm donation, either in stick or bottle form. :P

cos i wanna be mommy, not necessarily wifey. meaning, i can envision myself a mother, but trouble envisioning myself a wife.

so i was planning on being a mother (man optional) and i wondered how long it would take to build up my fortune before i can afford to bring up a child comfortably on my own. that's how i thought that far. :P

i really wish people in positions of power would stop making comments without thinking. what they say will be put in print. and seen the world over. saying things like: 'Apa bising pasal bocor-bocor ni? MP Batu Gajah pun bocor tiap-tiap bulan' is downright CRASS la. seriously.

of birdies, sex, conversations, solitude and treehouses.

this was supposed to be posted up last week, but i was busy:

stressed. hence endless blogging.

2 things.

i love messing with PB's mind :D it's FUN. especially when she's already loopy cos she's having one of her very rare red tides :P which induced the idiot to wear white peeptoes to work. breaking it in, she says. right. breaking the blisters and feet too, apparently.

how do i do that? easy. fritz her out by talking about taboo things. i.e. S.E.X.
as for my previous blogpost about liking to be alone, i don't have time to write it all out, but i did mention it in the conversation. so me being a lazy ass, am just gonna paste it out here.

well, in my defense, she DID annoy me first :P

PB: boo
me: yo bitch
PB: u going fer lunchie?
me: nawps
tapaoed
PB: ic. my feet hurt
me: kl food sux royal asscock
FROM WHAT?
PB: the shoes lor
me: OH NOOOOOO
nonononononono
oh noes
not again, makcik
PB: sigh i got to do the sticky thingy again
me: aiyoyoyos
hmmmph
wat u being vain n wore it to WORK?
Sent at 11:55 on Friday
PB: had to 'open' it.
wore it for shopping last nite to try
then got blisters. now i patched myself up n trying to loosen it by wearing it
me: okies
another excuse for being VAIN
PB: told u period making me loopy.
me: j got booted off to bw
she working for *** now
PB: ahahahahahahahahahahaha
me: texted me this morning to tell me that n to ask me what to do
she knows no one
etc
PB: aww.
jy is there
me: i told her that
PB: take it as independence
me: she din know that
yeah
is it just me who actually LIKES going to new places ALONE?
i like the liberating feeling
the solitude
PB: nah. U and ME
me: the loneliness
ahh ok
PB: muahahaha
me: now THAT is one reason we hang so well although we so diff
not many ppl like leaving the comforts of home i guess
PB: dun get all sappy on me now
me: i'm not
u just might KISS me. u being loopy n all
LOL
PB: *middle finger*
me: now if we gonna do some kissing n shit, we need a digicam. and plenty of boys. might as well get em all hornied up
u might get laid, n i definitely will
:P i'm a fantastic kisser :P dun u worry. HAHAHAHA
PB: .....................................i think u just fried a circuit
red alert
me: lol
what?
meaning?
thought i ALWAYS fry circuits red alert
Sent at 12:02 on Friday
PB: this is oe of the occasions
i'm bored. n hungry. n bored. got piles of work but couldnt be bothered
me: go eat la bitch
:)
wat time dinner?
PB: ooo slight cramps too. starange feeling this is..
me: :P stupid
LOL
PB: i plan cabut early
but my bro hp rosak
me: now u amplify those 1000 times n u get my pain then u know how i feel before passing out n having huge ass needle up my butt
PB: so hav to wait he call me
me: ok.
cabuts early anyways
Sent at 12:07 on Friday
PB: i know
joy. as long as mc devils dun call
me: pull out the phone lines
wahahahahahha
PB: funny. they have my hp
me: oh
throw it against a wall
say it fell down 20 flights of stairs
PB: well, its kinda MINE...
company phone i would have doen t ages ago
me: well. u do that u can have excuse buy new phone :P
no? no? *twinkly eyes*
PB: man u're good
me: :D
PB: which brings me to my other dilema
me: mmhmmmm?:D
PB: my bro hp rosak. if cant fix, need to buy new phone
me: ok, so keep the phone :P
u got excuse buy new one
PB: but there isnt one in the market that does what i want it o except the N95
which is a shitload to pay for a hp
n glorified toy
me: hmmmmmmmmmm
i dunno then
my needs are simple
unlike urs
something i can textsex, phonesex, mmssex with.
fullstop :P
waits for it.....
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Sent at 12:16 on Friday
PB: @$%&@*$^$#(%^*# ............*fritz*.........now u got my circuits
me: sometimes i just say things for ur reaction
LOL!
PB: i know...yet i keep falling for it
me: :)
sucker :D
PB: oh can i
an it
can it
omg, i is soooo d bad with typing
me: no shit....
PB: i'm so bored this is not even funny
me: sighs
let's argue about something again then
PB: not THAT bored.........
me: heheh
then i dunno
go read blogs
ermmmm
watch porn
Sent at 12:33 on Friday
PB: porn at the ofs??
u really have no scrupels (sp?)
me: scruples
nope
PB: figures
me: :P
u ARE bored
well, not like i watch porn in office la
i amuse myself with quizzes instead
PB: i bet u do
me: or softporn stories :P
i dont watch porn
:P
maybe i should. watch it with the boy
steal some ideas :P
PB: ah ha!
u read it
......tmi
me: read what?
PB: buy the karma sutra
me: softporn? yep. never mine though
but i never read it at work
PB: bull shit la
i'm looking at MY equavilent of porn.....hp websites
me: serious lah
i dont :P
i read blogs :P
PB: with soft porn on it
me: nope
:P i go on facebook n play warbook
Sent at 12:46 on Friday
PB: n send naughty gifts
PB: gt you mind out of the gutter.....
me: yeah. that's why i dont pick up smoking. prolly cant stop man
:D I LOVE shocking u
muahahahahahahaaaa
Sent at 12:51 on Friday
PB: if u r obsessive compulsive maybe
Sent at 12:52 on Friday
me: i do have OCD wat
u know that
just not like urs la
:P

PB: the fold yo $ into the proper size before puttign it in your wallet. now u r being blur on purpose to make me pisssed off so i will shut up now. n keep my sanity
*flash birdie
me: ya, i get wat u talking. but wat about it???? haiyo
PB: *falls dead on the floor. u were saying u r obsessive complusive so i stated that as n example!!!!!
me: owhhh
sorry. mind was elsewhere
:P
tracy: omg..............u can be so.....so....so.....aaaaaaaaaarrrrggggggggghhhh
FUCK U.
me: yeah mind was down someone's pants :D
what do u think of slow afternoon fucks? or lunchtime quickies? :P
PB: is there a stronger word for fuck? cause it just doesnt have the same sting no more
me: dunno
screw
?
i know... we say it so often... it's abused beyond ones
PB: totaly up to the individual n i could not care less.
me: horny as fuck. silly as fuck. dumb as fuck. crazyfuck.
how did words end up ones? hmmm
my bad
PB: now that u r indeed.
..................................
i need n exasparated emoticon right about now
me: how about :/
:D
i just LURVE annoying the FUCK outta u :D
esp when u're wearing white peeptoe HEELS to WORK
:D
Sent at 13:13 on Friday
tracy: ;/
:///////
:////////////////////////////////
me: muaxxxx
me eez loves u too
Sent at 13:24 on Friday
PB: *birdie
Sent at 13:26 on Friday
me: :D
go play with quizzes, babydoll
Sent at 13:29 on Friday

yup... she is so gonna kill me for not taking the liberty to correct her spelling :D

oh btw, few things to set straight:
1. she gives me too much credit when it comes to my horniness.... i'm sure :P
2. i DID get huge ass needles stuck into my butt. several times. muscle relaxants. got hospitalised for it, too. observation, they said. the pill is a GODSEND.
3. i LOVE annoying her, and frying her circuits.
4. her trademark is the birdie. and obsession with a certain kind of *ahem*.
5. her birdie is a sign of affection. it's her way of saying: 'i love you'. she has issues with expressing affection. :P
6. i say FUCK wayyyyy too often :P

if i don't blog tomorrow.... means the birdiegirl ate me for dinner....... :P

please look for my remains at YAGCentral, KL... ok? make sure u ship whatever remains are left back to Borneo where my orang utans are. as a tombstone, i want a treehouse, as befits a Borneoan, yar? Apt, duncha think?

change of template

YES!! FINALLY had time to change the template of my blog. :P

a lot easier now, too. hmmm... and a lot quicker. :D

my blog is now COWWORFOOOLLLLLL!!! (colourful, la... that's my lame attempt at being cute-miut, comel-lote, u know what i mean)

however, much to my mortification, i found that i have STUPIDLY deleted my old template, meaning, i lost a lot of my links *shamefaced* ARGHHHSSSSS.... best part is that i don't even remember when that happened. i could go look through the html i saved one by one at home, but i seriously haven't the time, at least for the next month or so. so all the newly-added links are from memory. :P those i missed out, please drop me an email, and i'd add it. :D

ahh well...

i got a new keyboard!! a whole lot less noisy. and the letterings aren't faded. AND it runs a LOT smoother. black in colour, too.... YAY!!! whoever created the black-coloured keyboard has gotta be a man :P probably to hide the spunk from late-night porn. white stains more easily. then again, maybe not. whatever :P

got several blogs written fully in my head. unfortunately, as usual, i is too lazy. and too busy (*sniffs* had to go to work on a sunday :() to type it all down. i need to be a student/bum again to blog the way i used to :P

i'm having one of my protein cravings again. XD other chicks crave for chocs and sweets and desserts.... i crave for dimsum, late night sausages (the food, u damned perv!), bakuteh, salted-egg crabs..... u get the idea. sighs....

HOW TO DROP MY WEIGHT LIDDAT?!

dickbrained fucktards

i remember now WHY i can't go out with angmohkia....

this is an excellent reason:
http://www.asiaone.com/Digital/News/Story/A1Story20071031-33370.html

here is the ensuing google chat conversation between a friend and i:

Friend: check ou the email i just sent u. u'll hate the fuckers forever.
me: what fuckers?
singaporeans?
Sent at 14:34 on Friday
me: dickheads
Sent at 14:40 on Friday
Friend: brits
bullying old man
me: yeah
dickheads
Friend: in singpore
me: hooligans indeed
this is where football hooliganism comes in
Friend: man now i remember why i dun wan marry ang moh.
still want some of that asian fillial respects in my kids
me: yeah. this is why i can never date angmoh too.
asian values la
Sent at 14:44 on Friday
Friend: a society that doesnt mind the kids saying fuck u mom is just unacceptable.
me: yeah
i'd brush my babies' mouths out with the rough edge of a coconut if they ever say that to me
chi liao bi
Friend: gap toothed basards - now seems like a phenotypic manifestation of genetic inadiquacies
Sent at 14:46 on Friday
Friend: memang chi lio bi. and they not sorry for it again.
Sent at 14:47 on Friday
me: who else is gap toothed?
ya man! that was what pissed me off the MOST
at least be apologetic
cibaikias

yeah, my friend can't spell very well :P (she'd kill me for this) but yeah, we can finish each other's sentences.

but really, those damn fucktards. there's something to be said about respecting people who have sacrificed for the community you live in. at least have some respect for people. even if he weren't a senior citizen. would you have liked someone else to do that to you? it's true, y'know: Do not do unto others what you would not like others to do unto you.

Seriously. What's becoming of the world?

personality disorder quiz

i swear i've done this before, but what the hell....

hmmm.... antisocial. and ppl say i'm bubbly. riiiight. maybe i'm just so used to masquerades. SMILE, dammit.... though i'd rather chop ur cock off...... u get the picture.

also probably explains why the idea of taking off alone to far-off places appeal to me so damn much. i actually like the feeling of solitude and being utterly alone in a city of 1 billion. sometimes. don't ask me why. i can't explain it. stillness and loneliness are my best friends. i've gotten so used to them. and i still think like a single girl. sighs. someone's not gonna be too happy about that. but i can't help how i feel at times.

but here's the quiz result. story would come later.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Low
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	High
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

Pantheress?

LoL. I just might take this down after this week. :P

Your Score: The pink pantheress

You are 95% sweet, 75% playful, 70% fearless and 40% dominant.

Sweet. Catlike. Somewhat kinky. You are a reference in term of sexuality. You love to play, and to make your partner play with you. Be careful not to be played too much. You have high skills, but also a great imagination. Maybe you consider sex as an art in itself. All we can do is to envy the people who have the chance to spend one night in your bed. However, finding your perfect match is not that easy, since you require a dominant, but yet sweet and gifted partner.

Consider: The bonobo
Avoid: The big cock


Explaination of the variables. You are:

Sweet: If you like to do sweet things, and care for your partner.
Playful: If you are imaginative and like to play together with your partner.
Fearless: If you like to try new things and you are not afraid of what people think about you.
Dominant: If you take the lead most of the time.

Have a look at the other animals:

The donkey
The big cock
The pig
The bull
The nasty kitten
The mantis
The tigress
The lion
The fluffy bunny
The panda bear
The she-wolf
The ram
The puppy
The dalmatian
The bonobo

Link: The which sex animal are you? Test written by GuillaumeC on OkCupid, home of the The Dating Persona Test

My test tracked the following 4 variables.
You scored higher than 90% on sweet:


You scored higher than 81% on playful:


You scored higher than 74% on fearless:


You scored higher than 37% on dominant:

>:(

i don't go on warbook much. well, cos i'm not a gaming person to start with. i have my reasons which i'd elaborate later. and also because i've been fucking-busy-no-time-to-breathe-shit-tired-when-i-get-home kinda busy these two months.

so yeah, i'm easy target on warbook. i didn't log on for weeks until i had so much gold, my friend actually sent me a message on msn asking for some. lol.

my acreage was puny too, so i was REALLY pissed when i finally logged in to send gold to some friends, and found my sorry-ass kingdom attacked left, right and center.

ok, this called for remedial action. told my friend i had to beef up my defenses, which i did, upped my defense score several thousand fold, and built me some barracks and forts. sonovabitches just u assholes wait :P

damn... THIS is why i don't game lah. sighs.

couldnt give a shit about my attacking ability cos i had no intention to log into warbook that often.

that was a week back. last night i went yumchar with friends, and 90% of the time, they talked about was warbook :P so i thought, today i'd log in and send gold to some friends.

today i came in, and i had levelled up without kicking anyone's ass. cos i was attacked. thank god for good defenses.

what i thought was fucking pond-scum low though, was someone whose acreage was waaaayyyyyyyy more than mine picking on me 3 times in a morning by 1100 hours. twice is fine. three times is asking for it. woiii.... LOW lah. pick someone your own size, u goddamned fucker.

>:( gonna max out my spells and do a boundary shift on the bastard tomorrow. then next day i'm gonna fireball him, next day, boundary shift him again, earthquake him, and boundary shift him one more time. 5 days in a row. see how fast he can build up again. don't mess with a bitch. LOW LOW LOW. i can play diiiiirrrrrrty too.

why don't i game? cos when i watched the fireball rip through the other dude's lands, with the knowledge that none of my men had to die, there was this funny, familiar, forgotten feeling coming over me.... it's called an adrenaline rush. yes, i like it. yes, it's addictive. it's SCARY. i get hooked on it. it's exhilarating. especially when it's bloody justified.

yeah it's just a game. THAT'S WHY I DON'T PLAY IT! what am i afraid of? ME. :P Like ciggies, pot, alcohol, sex and chocolate. Addictive. Let's not go there.