exams

exams

Gonna be having exams in October. I'm sorry if I can't indulge my faithful blogders/ readers then. Please pray I pass. I need all the moral/ prayer support I can get. Sighs... getting damn stressed. Suffering bad breakouts. Hopefully not suffering bad cramps during exams. Starting Yasmin in October too. Hope it works well for me.

I'll be back soon, ok? Stay tuned :)

Muaxxxes to y'all :)

Clutches!!

Clutches!!

I love clutches :) Here is part of my clutches collection :P I haven't taken pics of the bling-bling sequined ones...









Ok, my frivolous girlfriends :) This blog's for you!

Semi-Pelagian?

Semi-Pelagian?

Had a long and interesting chat with a friend last night. Part of it touched, YES, religion (oh nooooo..... AGAIN) but no worries, this is gonna be a short one. We talked about fatalism vs. humanism, and Catholicism vs. Pelagianism... then about Zoroastrianism and how it's a precursor for all modern monotheistic religions. blablabla...

Bottomline? He says I'm a semi-Pelagian. I believe we should grab destiny by our own hands... but there is something about absolute faith that sets us free. You know: Lifejackets only works with faith, but the chances of survival is slim without the lifejackets itself. And that God helps those who helps themselves :P

Okay, that's it!

Will post up pretty pics in awhile. Bored :P

Boyfriends, Men, Sex... and the 25-year-old virgin... :P

Boyfriends, Men, Sex... and the 25-year-old virgin... :P

A guy buddy of mine asked me over yumchar: So, why don't you have a boyfriend? and it took me a while to answer. It wasn't the first time I was asked that. I've been questioned about my status many times. And it's a little hard, at first, for friends who don't know me all my life to believe that I've never had a boyfriend before :P But back to the question, I couldn't quite pinpoint the answer, really. Not that I don't want one. I guess I'm just happy to be single, just as much as I would be happy to be part of a two-some. It's neither a luxury, nor a necessity. It just IS. I reckon I'm just... not really looking. Why should I? Why, should I?

He asked if it was out of bad experiences with men. Well, not at first. In the past two/ three years, yes. But it doesn't completely rule my judgment/ reaction to men. It was short, and painful. And it was enough. It's as though it was an intensive, crash (and burn) course to make up for all those years I live a ridiculously sheltered life. Nothing like a total jackass to get a girl to smarten up real quick. And so I did. It taught me to be warier. It taught me to second-guess. As though my already natural over-analysing wasn't enough.

I've always liked the male species, even when I was young. And no, that did not come with a sexual hint. That was pure innocent liking. At 4/ 5, boys may be gross, but very fun. They had such cool toys. Dolls bored me. Dresses were so so so inconvenient. Especially when it came to running around. Cars, trucks and robots were fascinating. I'd reverse-engineer them, and then try to reverse-engineer my doll to disastrous results. End result: my parents never bought me dolls ever again. So I never did have dolls. No loss there, really :P The imagination was the best-est friend ever. Except I knew my friends and the situations I played out in my own head weren't real. And of course, there were toy robots and machineries around... Who needs dolls?

How could boys not be fun? Then they grew up to be men. And they were still fun. Lame jokes. Slapstick humour. Sarcasm. Jolly good fun all around. Yes, I get teased all the time. But who cares? I give it back to them whenever I can. And they can take it in as good as they can dish it out. And they don't get offended. Unlike some girls I know.

I like the company of men. There's a straightforwardness in male company that is quite difficult to find in most of the female population, except some (and thank God, some of those are my girl pals) which is very refreshing. It's direct, and such directness I find inoffensive. There's a certain understanding. You don't touch certain topics. And if you do, don't get offended if I don't want to give an answer. Which is fine by me. There is no petulance. No silly emotional mind games. No beating around the bush. If you're a friend, you're a friend. If I don't like you, I don't like you.

That has been my experience growing up with a whole lot of much older boy cousins. And much of my friendship with men. So NO, I'm not a man-hater. How could I be? Far from it. I enjoy male company, and I believe everyone should have a healthy balance of male and female friends. I love my girl friends. But I appreciate having my guy friends, too. Having male friends gives a girl a different perspective. Men and women look at the world quite differently at times. And it's good to know both sides of the coin. So how could I be a man-hater? The two boys I went out with for yumchar are very nice (albeit annoying at times :D) and very fun (and funny) people. They're among my favourite people in the world. Not all men are jackasses. Though all men have the capability to be. Just as all men have the capability to be sweet.

Men. They come in many forms and functions. Some are shy. Some are corny. Some are arrogant pricks. Some are just pricks. Some are gentlemen. Some are bloody arseholes. Some others think they're God's gift to women. Some others use their position and their power to just take what they want. Some are unused to failure and are lousy losers. Some others know how to utilise a graceful retreat. I've met some of these. And I don't regret meeting anyone of them. Life is an on-going lesson. And there's something to be learnt for everyone and everything that came your way. Though I won't wish the worst power-hungry bastards I've ever met on any girl, even my worst enemies, I don't regret having met them. What's done is done and can't be undone. Live and let live, but take your lessons from life. There's no better way of learning anything.

The other guy asked me: But you keep saying you want to get laid...

Well, I do :P Don't you? ;) Doesn't mean I should just get laid with the first man who asks. My vagina is an important part of me, and is precious, you know...! :P

It's not that I view my vagina as a prize to be won either. Sex is one of those things that is a double-edged sword. Just as much as it can bring great pleasure, it could also bring great pain. Sex puts a different perspective to things, it changes almost everything. And I certainly don't think something as intimate as that should be wielded as a weapon, or a prize. It's not that I'm apathetic towards orgasmic delights either. I'm just not too keen about the idea of sharing my vagina with the 3 billion (more or less) penises out there. I'm not on an Annabel Chong quest.

It's just that, for me, it's... personal. So.. very... personal, you know? Yes, there's orgasmic relief. Then what? Is the orgasm everything? What about connection, what about the night before and the morning after? What about sharing and compatability? What about building bridges and relationships? And I haven't even gotten started on love. Love's another long meandering ramble. Let's not get to that. Shouldn't sex at least be between two people who at the very least, care about each other? Maybe I'm too old-fashioned and traditionalist for my time, but that's what I want. Sex is important, but it is not everything.

I know I'm not unattractive :) At the very least, I look better than a horse's ass. Or a horse's face :P My first indecent proposition was when I was 22/23? What a shock for a green, wide-eyed girl from across the sea. There were several indecent propositions, since, but nothing prepared me for that first. I first thought his wanting to turn his dreams into reality was a joke, but no, he was dead serious. Looking back now, it has some sad, but funny twist to it. The exchange that followed was private, and unmentionable on an easily accessible www blog :P I wonder where he is and what he's doing now. I hope he's doing well. He's otherwise a very nice boy, albeit very horny, and more than a little desperate then. Till today, I wonder why he was short-changing himself like that, though. He's a tall, good-looking young man who was smart, funny, charming and eloquent. He could get any woman he wanted.

Why do both men and women so often settle for second best? Or third, or fourth, etc.? Is making that extra effort so abhorrent? I find that very sad. And I'm afraid I'd be making the same kind of mistake. Sometimes we don't know what we want. And sometimes when we do, and we find it, we just don't know what to do.

What sort of insanity is within us that keeps us from finding the happiness within ourselves that we so badly seek?

My favourite things... for my frivolous, hiao bimbo friends :D

My Favourite Things... for my frivolous, hiao bimbo friends :D

For all my hiao bimbo friends :D who loves camwhoring.... here's part of my wardrobe, and most of my trinkets. Earrings are up next. Tired liao. Spent half the time trying to figure out how to work a digicam. Frivolous, I tell you!! And yes, I am technologically behind when it comes to hiao-bimbo-ness Let it no longer be said that I am not techie-savvy, and not hiao-bimbo-friendly, and cam-whoring-potential-less!! WOOHOO!! ;)

This were the ones I spent RM220 on. But I forgot to take the picture of one more :D Heh...

I love whites :p Got this for about RM50.



I know this is disgustingly schweet, but hey, I like it :p



This was bought at the Tang's Studio sale, and they cost about RM20 each. Sweet deal. All at approximately 80% off!

Thought this would be great for work in the near future (hopefully!!) and the patterns all the way to the back, so it doesn't make my ass look fat :p



It matches this perfectly! Can go for a Friday night out. Or team it with a nice blazer, and it goes everywhere!



This piece is LOVELY :) Originally above a hundred, i got it for RM20.



Bought this Tommy Hilfiger jacket at a warehouse sale for RM40+?



More items tomorrow! Tired liao :D And hungry :) Blogger fucked up on me!

blogging...

blogging...

I blog to remember. I blog so I don't ever forget. There was a time I used to write in journals on foolscape paper, to put my thoughts and emotions in writing. But I had to burn them before my mother reads the things that I write. She'd be frightened at how dark her daughter could be. And how menacing her daughter's thoughts sometimes were. Blogging affords that for me now. It's easier. It's cleaner. It's simpler. Although it's less private, and more open than I'd sometimes like it to be. I was linking my old blog to this one just now, and came across an entry titled simply: i won't-s and I thought, it's good to remember. It's good to re-affirm. So here are my i won't-s once again. How things have changed in a year. How they have not. And how time really flies...

i won't-s

i won't wait.
i won't quit. i've never been a quitter, and i won't be one now.
i won't hold my breath till i pass out.
i won't give the silent treatment either. that's the last option. i WILL walk away, though. nothing or no one is worth that much.
i won't cry. i was brought up a boy, and boys don't cry.
i won't force my opinions or thoughts down anyone's throat. u can take my point of view and use it to suit yourself. i'm not forcing it on you.
i won't lose my sense of humour. what's life without it?
i won't change my mind. because i made it exploring all my options. i know what i did, i know what i want.
i won't frustrate myself. at least, i hope i won't. and i know i have good friends out there who would keep me sane. thank you, lovelies.
i won't lose my concentration. i can't. i must get through this.
i won't lose my self-respect. please Lord, don't let me forget.
i won't lose my determination.
i won't forget my plans. i've got big ones. i must see them through.
i won't lose my pride. sometimes that keeps me going when all else fails.

i've got to go now.

~nemesis-on-fire, 22/09/2005, 1623 hrs~

My take on the unfortunate miscontruction of Pope Benedict's statement

My take on the unfortunate miscontruction of Pope Benedict's statement

I downloaded Pope Benedict's 'Faith, Reason and the University-Memories and Reflection' lecture, just to see what the whole blow-out is about. Once I'm done with that, maybe I'll post up a comment. It might be incendiary, though, so I'll need to see what I can write.

What do I think of the media frenzy though?

1. The Pope isn't wrong. His might be a tactless, but genuine attempt at trying to bridge the gap between religions and to attempt to foster inter-religious dialogue. Unfortunately, the Bible is right with this statement: Why throw pearls before swine? The target audience is at present way too thin-skinned and far too quick to jump and judge at any eggshell moment/ misconstrued statement. If one party holds out a hand in a handshake, but the other bites it, what can one do? My opinion? Apologise for the fiasco, walk away and let the matter lie until a more suitable moment. How can there be inter-religious dialogue when parties cannot question or speak relatively openly?

2. The Pope, unfortunately, does not have either the charm, or the media savvy of Pope John Paul II. He forgets that he's now a world leader constantly in the public eye, and is no longer Fr. Ratzinger who was a lecturer. He's a theologian, and an obvious academician, but academia is lost on the controversial-hungry media, and the normal populace. Such a statement, though it IS a quote, was folly on the pontiff's part. It was handing to the media, constantly hungry for controversy, and waiting for any 'booboo' made by something as traditional and old-school as the Catholic tradition, controversy with a capital C on a silver platter, to have a field day. How unfortunate. The pontiff had valid points. But those points are suitable only for debates in the classroom (unfortunately), not for public speaking to a stubborn, head-strong audience.

What's the world coming to? Everything and everyone seems to be walking on eggshells.

The Irony of Love

The Irony of Love

"For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth." ~Kahlil Gibran~

People moving forward

People moving forward

A friend of mine finally had her dream come true. And all her prayers answered after so many years. She's going off to India to pursue her dreams of becoming a doctor :) I say, good for her! It took her so much sacrifice, and so many years to get here. I'm very impressed. And humbled.

On another note, two good friends of mine have just got unofficially engaged. I'm not mentioning names, because I'm sure they'd like others to hear it from them, rather than from me, but to them, I say: Congratulations!! It's about time :D Hehehe...

You, Me and Dupree was rather slow :P but it picked up speed towards the end. And Kate Hudson is soooo pweetttiiieeee.... It makes up for a lot :P

Short stories :)

Short stories :)

Here are some short updates/ stories for my adoring fans :P Ok, ok, don't vomit blood yet :)

I think I am a weirdo magnet :P Case in point:
1. Sometimes, mamaks bend over backwards to serve me drinks, etc., etc. And no, I didn't notice it, a guy friend of mine pointed it out to me. (And I'm not exactly famous or very pretty, you know? :) Ya lah, I don't look like a horse (Thank heaven! But not like I'm gorgeous, or even very pretty :) I'm just your average Jane)
2. The guards at my new apartment know me and call me 'lenglui' (me: ????!!!!) And my very-meanie, sarcastic, 'rabid' 'friend' (heh heh heh, ok lah. we fwen fwen lah) was the one who told me. A couple of days back, as I was walking to college and passing the guard house, I said my usual hello and waved at them.
The fair young one (I dunno his name :P) called out to me: Lenglui!! And so I stopped in my tracks and turned back: Apa? (What?)
Guard: You hati-hati masa jalan kaki, ah? Saya tak nak apa-apa berlaku pada you... (You be careful while walking, ah? I don't want anything happening to you....)
Me (terpana kaget seketika, kemudian tertawa kecil) (stunned for a minute, then laughed softly): Ohh!! Ok...
Then I smiled and continued walking. Hmmm... I found it a bit odd, but maybe he is just a nice boy :) But isn't he a sweet one? :) Sometimes, people can be so nice!! :D
*
I witnessed the right-side shunting of a bilateral pleural effusion on a 35-weeks-old foetus. Wow... that was a little bit scary. Poor baby's lungs were so compressed. If the shunting wasn't done, the baby would have had little chance of survival. But it was fascinating to watch. It took less than 30 minutes, and in the next 30, the foetal lungs re-expanded quite dramatically. I am hoping the hypoplasia is reversible. Foetal heart had some pericardial effusion as well, and the foetus was hydropic. The skin thickening was about 2cm, which was quite bad. I'm wondering why the mother had not gone for karyotyping, considering she was 38 years-old. It makes me want to get married, get laid and have babies FAST :P You know, biological clock going tick-tock-tick-tock!!
*
Met Sheahnee for the first time yesterday. We had a girly day out. Funny how we've both heard so much about each other, but only met in person yesterday!! I must say, she's a lovely, lovely person! And she looks way prettier in person than on TV :P She says TV adds 10 pounds to a person, and makes the features look a lot smaller than they really are... EEEEKKKK!!! I don't ever wanna go on TV then! She has the loveliest, translucent skin (ME IS SO VERY THE JEALOUS!!) and speaks with a very cute, rather clipped accent. Hehe... And oh! I like her voice! Although she was a bit sick, poor girl! And how the hell she manages to look so coiffed and well-put-together is beyond me!! :P Perfect hair, perfect make-up... AIYOOOO.... I look like a boy next to her (no offence to boys, ya? :) I honestly prefer the freedom to look a mess, sometimes :)) She is, at present, driving the new Satria Neo!! And it's a sweet ride. Very quiet, much spacier than the regular Satria, and the seats are not as low. I think it's longer and wider, too. But already, the central-locking is fucked, and my bet is that the power windows are going to be fucked within the next 2 months MAX. Biasa-lerr.... you know, I know :)

Went into a stainless steel shop in 1-U to look for Sheahnee's nose ring, and I was getting fascinated over some chunky, rocker-chick-like pendants (you know the type? Scorpions, dragons, pentagons and the sort) and then I spotted something that looked like an armadillo to me (segmented scales). And I thought: Hey, cool!! Armadillo!! And it's move-able, too!! So I opened the drawer, reached in, and lifted the 'tail' to have a look. It flipped the other way, and on the bottom, was a loosely shaped w (imagine it in cursive writing, without the two sharp bottom edges of the w, more like 2 'u's) with a depression in between. And the 'tail' upon being flipped backwards, had a larger triangle on the 1st piece of scale, and here I had the biggest shock ever.... I turned scarlet. I SWEAR it looked like the head of a penis, and it even had a 'frenulum'. Yep, it sure looked like a silver, move-able penis. NOT a phallic-lookalike thingamajig, but a p-e-n-i-s! And it moves!! 180 degrees!! Mother of God! Holy Cow!! I flipped it back down just to be sure, and it really did look like an armadillo. Then I flipped it back up, and there it was again. I took in a sharp breath, then called Sharon over to have a look. When I repeated the movement for her to see, she went, 'Oh my God!' and started laughing. I showed it to Sheahnee too, and her expression and words echoed Sharon's. It was hilarious! All three of us, stumbled, laughing uncontrollably out of the shop and down the escalator. I think we should have taken a picture of the pendant. There are times when I really want a camera! Sharon just had to go: 'Trust Dida to find stuff like that!' ..... WHAT?!

The things one finds in 1-U. Before that, we had passed the Arena shop selling swimsuits, and I was just thinking what a lovely pink halter bikini was on display, and when my eyes scanned downwards to see how the bikini bottom looked like, I realised that some joker had pulled the bikini bottom down past the hips, and showing the mannequin's pubes. !!!!! Yeah, like one of the girls laughingly said: At least they haven't got one of the hands down there!!

Alrighteyyy, ppl. Back to my books. Gonna watch You, Me and Dupree later with the rabid boy, his petite, cute, occasionally very violent, but sometimes very sweet girlfriend (if she likes you! :D), and the lovely Sheahnee.

Expect sporadic posts in the next month or so :)

For Sharon :)

For Sharon :)

This is for Sharon of Happy Morgue!! :)

Congrats on ur posting to KK! :) You'll have a rewarding career as a doctor. God bless and all the best to you!

clash of orthodoxies

Clash of Orthodoxies

I fear I am suffering a clash of orthodoxies. Refer to http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2006/006/32.44.html if you don't know what I mean. It's a long article, mind you. Basically, I am saying I fear I am smack in the middle of a cultural divide. It's like being Chinese and brought up English-educated. That kind of thing. ARGHHH....

Been doing way too much thinking lately :) I suppose you could also say I've been struggling with personal inner demons. I googled some Christian traditions thing and found this:

I must say I should be glad I'm still Catholic, though I have to disagree with certain questions and answers. I think it's kinda short-sighted and stereotypical. But anyways, here goes:

Your results for "Christian Traditions Selector"
URL: http://SelectSmart.com/plus/select.php?url=denomtradition
Send your comments to Pete, the creator of this selector.

Percent Rank Item

(100%) 1: Roman Catholic
(97%) 2: Lutheran
(94%) 3: Eastern Orthodox
(82%) 4: Anglican/Episcopal/Church of England
(79%) 5: Methodist/Wesleyan/Nazarene
(67%) 6: Congregational/United Church of Christ
(67%) 7: Presbyterian/Reformed
(61%) 8: Church of Christ/Campbellite
(55%) 9: Baptist (Reformed/Particular/Calvinistic)
(52%) 10: Anabaptist (Mennonite/Quaker etc.)
(52%) 11: Pentecostal/Charismatic/Assemblies of God
(29%) 12: Baptist (non-Calvinistic)/Plymouth Brethren/Fundamentalist
(23%) 13: Seventh-Day Adventist

This was probably a better test:

You scored as Roman Catholic. You are Roman Catholic. Church tradition and ecclesial authority are hugely important, and the most important part of worship for you is mass. As the Mother of God, Mary is important in your theology, and as the communion of saints includes the living and the dead, you can also ask the saints to intercede for you. Roman Catholic 79% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 68% Neo orthodox 64% Classical Liberal 54% Emergent/Postmodern 54% Charismatic/Pentecostal 43% Modern Liberal 43% Fundamentalist 29% Reformed Evangelical 21% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

:p Then again, I hardly made an A... where does that leave me? Sighs...

i remember 9/11

i remember 9/11

it's been 5 years since the 9/11 attacks. how much have we learnt in the aftermath of such atrocities?
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i have no answer to that. no wisecracks either. today was an odd day for me. and i'm still feeling moody. can't quite place the reason, but there is something that upset me. it's a cloudy day here, perhaps it's a sign to remind us of what happened on this date 5 years ago. perhaps.

9/11 will be our generation's horror story. it's not something we could ever possibly forget. and really, we shouldn't. the lessons of history are painful lessons. and they would continue to be unless we start actually taking notes and avoiding them.

5 years ago, i was in my first semester in UPM, and was coming back from mid-sem exams. walking along the stuffy corridor, i noticed something very strange. the girls were scurrying along the corridor towards the tv room like little mice, and there was an electricity to the air that i had never witnessed before.

curious, i made my way to the tv room, and as i was entering the room, i encountered my floormate from Kedah who grabbed my arm and said simply: There's been an attack. i stared at her stunned and nonplussed for a moment before replying: WHAT? so she dragged me in the room, and i sat on the crowded floor next to her, bag and all. the news was on, and the scene on it still horrifies me. that scene shall be played over and over again for weeks and months after that. the plane crashing into the Twin Towers, bringing the famed towers down with it.

there was a collective gasp in the room, and i found my mouth opening in shock. but what shocked me more was when i heard whispers going: Padan muka, america. ('Serves you right, america) my Kedahan friend and i looked at each other, with horror and disgust on our faces, and both of us touched each other's arms in a sign of solidarity and also because each knew the other was getting very angry with those words and wanted to calm each other down.

those reading this who knows me might wonder why i didn't tell said girls off. you see, we were in a local public university. 2001 was a year of controversy when it comes to tertiary education in malaysia. it was not too long ago that the political climate was rocked by D.S. Anwar Ibrahim's capture and trial, and just a few years back, the country had been hit by the Asian economic crisis. several student leaders of some major local universities were being highlighted as political activists and then there was the obvious silence as when unwanted issues were brought to light.

i still remember the 'hot' student dialogue between the student body and some fancy minister who tried to curb the political activities of the powerful student bodies (then). we were the first batch to be forced to sign the AUKU-Akta Universiti dan Kolej (Universities and Colleges Act) forbidding us to join political parties and activities (even peaceful demonstrations). it was a very uneasy period. and there was obvious unrest.

not to mention 2001 was the year entry into local public universities were brought to light, and yes, they tried feeding us the student dialogue here as well. the issue of meritocracy and racial quota was another big issue that year. one obviously unwanted by certain parties as well.

it was a difficult period. my Kedahan friend and i were both very frustrated to keep our mouths shut, but we knew better. our moves were already so closely guarded. a lot of societies were already forced to go 'underground' and we did not need to get into trouble with the college management, and later the university management. so we left the room when the news ended. shocked, horrified at the senseless killings and the brutality of it. but for me, i have to admit, i also admired the audacity of such a tactical manoeuvre. i certainly do not condone it, i find it extremely distasteful, but what a move. they certainly got what they wanted. they shocked the world to their knees. they brought to light their existence. and they brought the world to chaos.

can we recover from the shock that was 9/11? have we? a part of me hopes we never will.

let's have a moment of silence for the lives of the men and women lost during 9/11. regardless of race and religion. for we are, in the basest form, more alike than we'd like to admit. more alike than we know.

we all want love and acceptance: the faith to believe, the hope to dream, the love to see things through

after all, we are all human: ashes to ashes, dust to dust

fragments

fragments

i feel myself swamped in despair
i feel myself drowning in distress
i feel myself slowly spiralling inexplicably, inexorably into a centrifugal, swirling vortex of darkness
i reach out to search for a hold, any hold at all, and find none
in my horror, i find myself falling ever more quickly into the gaping abyss below
and there's no one to grab me. no one to break my fall. no one to reach out and pull me back
and i have no idea what to do to save myself

how do i explain how it feels like to be fragmented into hundreds of thousands of shards of glass?
how do i explain how it feels like to be stabbed with a blunt instrument over n over in a million places?
how do i explain that falling sensation, and finding myself getting number and number with each passing day?
how do i explain feeling splintered?

in the moments between dreams and consciousness, i watch myself
i feel separated between body and mind
i see the sleeping figure curled into a foetal position
i watch the deep breathing of a sleeping child
and i look into my mind, and watch the play by play of emotions, of fears, of frustration, of chaos, of confusion and of pain
and i also see the joy, the euphoria, the sweetness, the tranquility
in one perspicacious moment of blinding clarity, the lucidity of thought brings with it a distilled understanding of the human spirit
in that one moment, suspended in time, it is as though i can see God, and feel His presence
which, with each passing day i seem to lose the understanding of

darkness. darkness swallowing up my light. darkness like a creeping vine. darkness like arsenic, poisoning slowly, slowly, drop by drop

talk to me about chaos. explain to me the meaning of confusion. whisper to me words of fear. show me how it means to feel pain. tell me about frustration. reveal to me the voice of death. and i shall sing for you the song of insanity.

do you know who i am? i hear her voice. i am woman. i am you. i am the one you cry to in moments of extreme pain, and frustration. i am the one whose arms you seek comfort in. i am the one whose name you call to for understanding and for intercession. i am known by many names. but i am your kindred soul. for i am woman. you know me well, and i know you. for one day you shall know the full extent of my regal beauty, and calm sweetness. a woman plays many parts, has many roles, has multiple facets to her personality, and knows arcane secrets and wisdom you could only guess at, and i can only hint at. but someday, somewhere, somehow, you will transcend what you are now, and come to understand this. in your own time. for you are woman, as am i.

in my moments of extreme pain, so close to fainting, i wonder if that was what dying or childbirth felt like. breathing, but not quite breathing. seeing, but not quite seeing. drowning, but not quite drowning. limbs like water. eyes like glass (reflecting but not focussing). three prayers going on replay in my mind. the 'Our Father' for focussing, so as to not lose touch with reality, the 'Hail Mary' for comfort. the last is this, just in case i sleep, and never wake: As I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord, my soul to take.

Long Post

Long Post

On emotions and my mind

Was missing friends terribly on Friday night. There's just a strange sort of comfort in just sitting down with a good friend, and being comfortable with the silence, and the company. The type of company that need no words to clarify the relationship. We'd be equally comfortable talking about nonsense, sense, or not talking at all.

Been privately going through some shitty phase. But it's all slowly unravelling now. :) I believe everything happens for a reason, and I trust that God will make all things right in the end, even if I can't see it now. Goes to show how much we can plan, but ultimately it's God's plan. Cosmic forces bringing people together. Cosmic forces pulling people apart. And we don't see it, because we don't know it.

But I'm thankful that for those in the know, they've tried to cheer me up and help me out. THAT just goes to show how much of a social animal I am, how I can't be a recluse, and how much I need positive people in my life just to put a smile on my face when I'm having a bad day.

On another note, I really do believe in Nemesis. That no one person would have it all. That there has to be some form of check and balance. That if something good really comes my way, I must give something back (to society, or whatever). Just as if something bad comes my way, something good will come out of it. Gives new meaning to the phrase: No pain, No gain.

On my education

On this note, I overstepped some borders. But I had to. Getting really annoyed with how the system works. Getting really frustrated too. And in order to leave this place a.s.a.p, I have to take things in my own hands and work them as I go along. Obstetrics scanning is a HUGE part of ultrasonography. I cannot NOT do well in it. I hope all that's well, end's well.

I've just discovered (well, all of us did) that we'd have to re-do all of our case studies due to some technical issues. Say it with me, people: F-U-C-K-!-! Apparently, we can't use post-processing to obtain the images that we want, because it's supposed to be a test of our skills. Well, thank you very much for not telling us that earlier. We can't edit out pictures, we can't rearrange them either. In other words, they all need to be re-done. :( Who wants to volunteer to be my case study? But then, most of my friends are probably healthy, and I do need some pathology. Sighs.... Another one to leave in God's hands. But I'll do what I can.

'Rob Thomas' left on Friday. :) Oh he was a bright light in a black hole :p Will miss his funny, interesting, sly yet astute way of teaching. He's a fantastic teacher. And having teachers as parents, I'm saying that objectively. Not because I am partial to his personality :p Will also miss his gorgeous photography, his boyish charm and his impish grin. And yeah, his 1000-MegaWatts lightbulb smile. Oh, did I mention he has a dimple on his left cheek when he smiles? One hell of a cutiepie, that one. Lucky fiance... :) One of the girls said she should get someone to seduce the fiance so she can guiltlessly seduce him. LOL! He made an impact, alright. And I've got really cute coursemates :)

CAM-WHORES, wait, ya! ;)

On a happy note for all my cam-whoring bloggerder-pals, me is borrowing a digicam, so pictures are coming up soon. If they're blurry, don't blame me, I've got no skills in photography whatsoever :p

Finale to a long post :p

I'm HUNGWYYYY!!!! Where are those people who were supposed to take me for brunch? :p Oh... her boboi woke up late.... >:) If I knew, I should have woken up late, too!! :p

questions

Questions

Had an episode of menstrual cramps today that sent me green-faced to the hospital in cold sweat. Poor Anne was totally freaked out. And so was Albert, his parents, and her sister. Guess they've never seen anything like it. :( Haven't had a spell of that in more than a year. The last time that happened, I passed out in the office toilet for half an hour. Anne said I almost fainted when I got there. Maybe I did, cos I couldn't recall.

Anyways, I ended up with a jab in my butt, and it's too painful for me to be sitting or sleeping on my right side now :p Jo said it was a huge-ass needle :p Sighs... I wonder if that's a taste of how childbirth is like?

Anne said when I was getting slightly better I was yelling: I WISH I WERE A MAN!! SOMEBODY YANK OUT MY UTERUS AND THROW IT AWAY!!!! *gulp... shy...* The things that come out of my mouth :p

Several questions I have in mind, due to some interesting things some of my friends say:

1. Would people in relationships consider relationships as commitment or voluntary enslavement?

2. Are we writing blogposts for our own writing pleasure, or for the pleasure of our readers? Which is more important for us as bloggers?

3. Is it important for us to suck up to people of power, even if it goes against all our beliefs and our principles? When do we throw in the towel, and tell them to fuck off?

4. When do you know when someone is playing you for a fool?

5. Is it wrong to use oratory skills to sway one's readers/ listeners? Lots of people have been doing it for years. JFK, Martin Luther King. And became famous for it.

6. Is the power of one enough to make a change in this world? Personally, I think we all play a part, and at least the power of one can make enough w-a-v-e-s to make people take notice, but I may be wrong.

7. Have we, humankind, as a civilisation, reached a peak, that we're now slowly regressing? Everything's a cycle, but are we now going backwards, more than we are going forward?

8. Are women being taken for a ride? Are we better off than our 1960s predecessors, or are we now being covertly made a fool of? How can we sit around and take the accusations of having a career as being the source of rising divorce rates?

9. Why IS there rising divorce rates despite the fact that the world is a global village now, and there's so much more choice? Is it a matter of religion, or upbringing, or culture, or attitude? What?

10. What IS real life?

11. Why is individualism so scorned? Why is being utterly lemming-ly normal so prized?

I think I've done enough thinking for now. I want answers, but I doubt I will get them. Maybe my smart friends (and I'm not being sarcastic here :p genuine compliment) can help a pissed-tired girl out.

CRAMPS and BABIES

CRAMPS and BABIES

still having horrid cramps. which comes with the migraine and the diarrhoea. fuck me, but it's really bad this month.

the exclamation leads me to something else. this gynae i know said that cramps are sometimes due to constriction of the cervix, therefore, once a girl has been de-flowered, the cramps sometimes reslove itself. right.... another reason to get laid....

then again, i've had married women pester me to get married and have kids (when i was working la, i was the only single girl around, the rest were married, women... OH the HORROR STORIES THEY TELL ME.... (about sex, marriage, childbirth, etc....) and the horror they put me through playing matchmaker... *groan* but that's another story... :p) cos due to personal experience, once u have kids, all ur menstrual problems fly far-far away....

ok, which means i should get laid FAST and have a truckload of babies... that'd be the end of my cramps, no?? except....

CAN U IMAGINE LOTS OF LITTLE DIDAS RUNNING AROUND? HURHURHURHUR.....

FINALLY!!

FINALLY!!

Am rather annoyed, been trying to blog for a bit now, but blogger keeps fucking up on me. Now I have lost my train of thought.

Oh well, shall blog of mundane stuff.

Been having horrid menstrual cramps. I hate being a woman. Been bleeding non-stop for approx. 2 weeks too. Shall not get into details, lest I gross out my other more normal (:p) readers.

Due to menstrual cramps, I went to bed early without dinner. Had menstrual migraine and diarrhoea, felt like puking. Didn't wanna eat. Now I'm awake, and hungry, and having cramps, and cranky. AND MEN WHINE ABOUT SHAVING!!! Next time a man does that to me, I'll shove his balls down his throat!! *GGRRRR* Sorry about that. Leaning into sadistic tendencies for awhile. :p

On a happier note, had a new visiting lecturer today. Oh myyy.... he has the cutest, naughtiest smile, takes beautiful pictures, dresses like an angel, has a quirky sense of humour, and get this: he looks uncannily like Rob Thomas of Matchbox 20! Oh, and he has the gentlest touch, too... I'm getting starry-eyed :p Yeah, he got pleasant voice to boot. With a very cute accent I cannot quite place.... Hmm.... But no, I don't go for 'forbidden' men, i.e.: taken, is a teacher, boss, friend, friend's relatives, friend's employer/employee, etc. You get the idea. Except that I did fall in like with a friend, so I'm an idiot. Don't know how that happened, don't wanna know how it happened. Shall go into denial and shall not repeat error. :)

Chows :) Going to bed. DAMN CRAMPS..... Can somebody yank out my uterus and ovaries PLEASE? WHY am I born a woman? Not like I was given any perks.... *add appropriate expletives here...*

My pitiful ellipsical eggs.....

My Pitiful Ellipsical Eggs....

Have you ever seen pancake eggs?

Well, I have, because I created it. There I was, happily talking to the Wongs and the Woon.... and then it struck me... OH FUCK.... MY EGGS!!!!! The precious eggs the woman at Times Square prepared so nicely to my specifics.... LAY SQUASHED ON Wong Sr.'s carseat.... *wailsssssssssssssssssssssss...............................* Yes, I was bawling all the way back home.... MY EGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I quickly picked up the bag to examine the damage.... and found, instead of nice rounded eggs, pancake eggs.... (from a diameter of about 2 1/2' to approximately >1 1/2') these are hardboiled eggs, ok???? I lamely attempted to get them back to normal, but the best I got was ellipsical eggs!!!! WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My poor babies!!!! I wanted to save them for brekkie tomorrow morning..... but considering the fact that the yolk in the egg was probably squashed, I think I have to finish it tonight... WAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So here I am, cos I can't sleep on a protein-filled stomach :( Poor me..... BUT OH MY POOR EGGS...... :'( *sniffs.....* Btw, the rest of the car's inhabitants, especially Wong Sr. and the *evil* Woon, couldn't stop laughing at me... and my poor poor mangled, damaged eggs.... The Woon, especially, found it to be amusement of the highest order. The first thing he said when he found out about my misfortune was to ask: So, did the eggs HATCH? THIUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think the incident totally made his week :( I HATES HIM! He even took a picture of the most distorted egg which he'd be laughing about for weeks, I'd bet! *sobs....* That's MY FOOD he's laughing about! But, if you ask how it felt like to sit on eggs, here's my answer: It's an odd combination; the hard-boiled eggs, when squashed, feels like a wonderfully firm cushion, and yet the shells give it a certain procelain-like fragility. It's like fragile, porcelain cushion.... Still: WAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY EGGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Been pigging out.... crabs crabs crabs.... yesterday had crabs again for sharon kittykat's birthday. And boy was it good.... there were a lot of people, though, so the service was slow... especially when we asked for extra butter cheese sauce. Went off to Laundry after that for cake. Reza was playing percussions! :) And I liked the reggae/ instrumental/ I dunno how the fuck to categorise the genre -inspired music that was being played live there. No: I LOVE IT!! And the lead has a very nice voice :) *stop it, girl!! go get laid!!!!* I have a thing for guys with nice voices :p Can you imagine making out to Barry White, Van Morrison, Michael Buble, Frank Sinatra, Louis Armstrong, Diana Krall, Toni Braxton and Norah Jones playing softly in the background? Sighs.... I think I should shower and send myself off to my bed!!! Siao...............