fragments

fragments

i feel myself swamped in despair
i feel myself drowning in distress
i feel myself slowly spiralling inexplicably, inexorably into a centrifugal, swirling vortex of darkness
i reach out to search for a hold, any hold at all, and find none
in my horror, i find myself falling ever more quickly into the gaping abyss below
and there's no one to grab me. no one to break my fall. no one to reach out and pull me back
and i have no idea what to do to save myself

how do i explain how it feels like to be fragmented into hundreds of thousands of shards of glass?
how do i explain how it feels like to be stabbed with a blunt instrument over n over in a million places?
how do i explain that falling sensation, and finding myself getting number and number with each passing day?
how do i explain feeling splintered?

in the moments between dreams and consciousness, i watch myself
i feel separated between body and mind
i see the sleeping figure curled into a foetal position
i watch the deep breathing of a sleeping child
and i look into my mind, and watch the play by play of emotions, of fears, of frustration, of chaos, of confusion and of pain
and i also see the joy, the euphoria, the sweetness, the tranquility
in one perspicacious moment of blinding clarity, the lucidity of thought brings with it a distilled understanding of the human spirit
in that one moment, suspended in time, it is as though i can see God, and feel His presence
which, with each passing day i seem to lose the understanding of

darkness. darkness swallowing up my light. darkness like a creeping vine. darkness like arsenic, poisoning slowly, slowly, drop by drop

talk to me about chaos. explain to me the meaning of confusion. whisper to me words of fear. show me how it means to feel pain. tell me about frustration. reveal to me the voice of death. and i shall sing for you the song of insanity.

do you know who i am? i hear her voice. i am woman. i am you. i am the one you cry to in moments of extreme pain, and frustration. i am the one whose arms you seek comfort in. i am the one whose name you call to for understanding and for intercession. i am known by many names. but i am your kindred soul. for i am woman. you know me well, and i know you. for one day you shall know the full extent of my regal beauty, and calm sweetness. a woman plays many parts, has many roles, has multiple facets to her personality, and knows arcane secrets and wisdom you could only guess at, and i can only hint at. but someday, somewhere, somehow, you will transcend what you are now, and come to understand this. in your own time. for you are woman, as am i.

in my moments of extreme pain, so close to fainting, i wonder if that was what dying or childbirth felt like. breathing, but not quite breathing. seeing, but not quite seeing. drowning, but not quite drowning. limbs like water. eyes like glass (reflecting but not focussing). three prayers going on replay in my mind. the 'Our Father' for focussing, so as to not lose touch with reality, the 'Hail Mary' for comfort. the last is this, just in case i sleep, and never wake: As I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep, If I should die before I wake, I pray the Lord, my soul to take.