And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

You wait, wanting this world
To let you in
And you stand there
A frozen light
In dark and empty streets
You smile hiding behind
A God-given face
But I know you're so much more
Everything they ignore
Is all that I need to see

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

I wish
Wishing for you to find your way
And I'll hold on for all you need
That's all we need to say
I'll take my chances while
You take your time with
This game you play
But I can't control your soul
You need to let me know
You leaving or you gonna stay

You're the only one I ever believed in
The answer that could never be found
The moment you decided to let love in
Now I'm banging on the door of an angel
The end of fear is where we begin
The moment we decided to let love in

There's nothing we can do about
The things we have to do without
The only way to feel again
Is let love in

I don't believe you
And I never will,
Oh I can't live by your side
with the lies you've tried to instil,
I can't take anymore,
I don't have to give you a reason
For leaving this time
Cos this is my last goodbye

It's like I hardly know you
but maybe I never did.
It's like every emotion you showed me
you kept well hid,
and every true word that you ever spoke
was really deceiving.
Now I'm leaving this time
cos this is my last goodbye

I've gotta turn and walk away,
I don't have anything left to say
I haven't already said before
and I've grown tired of being used,
and I'm sick and tired of being accused.
Now I'm walking away from you,
and I'm not coming back

"Women Rule...."

Today I wore a T-shirt to work that sparked interest in my colleagues.

It said, in Bold: Women Rule... Men Drool.

Imagine my mirth when I went on Reuters and read this:

http://today.reuters.com/news/articlenews.aspx?type=oddlyEnoughNews&storyid=2007-04-26T130938Z_01_KUA647071_RTRUKOC_0_US-CHINA-WOMENTOWN-ODD.xml

HAHAHAHAHA...... :D

My day just got off on a fabu-licious start :P

why is it that, for some twisted reason, what we want the most always seem to be what we screw up the most?

it's an odd feeling when you've grown accustomed to spending so much time with someone, you've even learnt to know what they're thinking, and quite suddenly, you're not talking to them anymore. you forget, sometimes, and you pick up the phone, but then you remember the reasons and you stop yourself. it becomes a battle of will and resolution. self-control. odd feeling... it's as though one feels.... somehow bereft.

What Oprah Said About Men

This was forwarded to me. Wonder what any one of you would say about this.

Personally, I think it couldn't be any more true. Probably an Omen for me.

These are truths I've known all along, and mentioned several times in conversations, but sometimes I don't really listen to myself.

It's at times like these, when I let my guard down, that I always get in trouble.

This is a sharing session. I don't share with strangers in a church cell-group, it makes me uncomfortable to open up when I don't want to, and expressions always betray me. But here, here is my space, and here I want to share a little about how this concerns me.

If my sharing makes you uncomfortable, turn your eyes away now. Forewarned is forearmed.

**
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

(1, 2, 3. I've mentioned this to both men and women, and it's sad to note that it's always so true. This I've said to more than one man, of my own accord, more than once, when I was asked why I won't fight for them. You see, I believe decisions have to be made on your own. Fighting just panders to a man's impossible ego. Walking away is always classier. And a man who would allow himself to be won by a woman who bitches about and disses another woman just so she can get her man is not worthy of my affection.)

Stop making excuses for a man and his behaviour.

(Yes. I shall stop. He cheats, he lies, he doesn't keep his promises. He doesn't want to be accountable or to take responsibility. He doesn't want to grow up. He doesn't want to learn. Or to change. It's his problem, not mine. Who cares if his women cheated on him? Who cares if she bores him? Who cares if they're not compatible? Who cares if sisters and brothers and mothers like her, although they don't suit each other? Who cares if his woman lets him step all over her? He could always change. He could always put a stop to it all. He has a choice. He made his bed. He sleep in it. Why must I allow myself to be dragged along? Yes, he is miserable. Yes, he is upset. But he doesn't want to change. There are no excuses for wallowing in self-misery, and burying himself in the quick-sand of uselessness. His life. His shit. Not mine.)

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.

(Thank you. I am, who I am. Take me as I am, or not at all. Now I'd sooner go for sperm donation than allow idiocy near me again.)

Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

(Mother's wise words. Oh, how could I forget?)

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends".
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
(Again, 1, 2, 3. How many times must I go through this before I realise it for what it is? No more. It's too painful. I have self-respect. Until he respects me and tells me what he wants from me, he isn't a friend. I shouldn't not allow myself the justification of telling him he's crap. Which he is. He's no friend. Friends don't make use of each other. Friends are there for each other through thick and thin. Friends protect and nurture each other. Friends listen to what each other has to say, and change for the better.)

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
(They all did. I was young, and stupid. I sure hope I'm smarter now.)

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
(That's true. 4 years of wasted time. Being in Moronia. Somebody's 2 years plus of whiny self-pity. Where did it take either of us? Stuck in a rut, is where. Basta! I stop. It isn't going to get better if neither party makes an effort. Or if either one is too different from each other. Or if Trust, Respect OR Communication is already out the window. Pointless to force myself to pretend to be happy when I'm really not.)

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
(If I am ever this stupid, somebody slap me. HARD. On both cheeks. The dude who thinks/ thought I'd do this really didn't take the time to know me well enough. So Fuck you.)

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

(Told this to some girlfriends once. They thought I was cold. But I guess I was just never a child. And I never trusted men enough. Or I just liked my own space way too much to give it up. Freedom is important to me. Besides, if both partners mix in the same group, when a split happens, friends are forced to take sides. I'd be miserable if my ONLY friends are also his friends and my friends either feel bad about taking my side, or are no longer on my side. We all need friends. It's important to have mutual and separate friends. We're individuals sharing lives. Not barnacles. But this had always been what I felt. I was never young.)

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
(Oh how they hate me for this. How I intimidate them, frighten them off. I don't care. I don't want men with dysfunctional gonads anyway.)

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
(True, thank God he doesn't know everything. None of them do. Even some of my best girlfriends do not know everything.)

You cannot change a man's behaviour.
Change comes from within.
(Therefore, no point trying to change a man if he doesn't want to change himself. It's true for everyone. If he changes for you, it'd be short term. It's like giving a man a fish. He eats for but a meal. If he changes for himself, it'd be for a lifetime. He'd have learnt how to fish. And he can fish for his meal until the day he dies.)

Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
(I never did. I hope to God, I never will. I don't want to lose the sense of who I am. My independence, my self-assurance.)

Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
(Yes, so many of them. So I stop. No more. I don't want to do a Loser. Call a Dog, a Dog, and a Cat, a Cat. Call a Loser, a Loser. A Cheat, a Cheat. A Liar, a Liar. A Bastard, a Bastard. I shall stop side-stepping the issue and call it as it is. And I shall be accountable for my own sins.)

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
(So I gotta make sure I treat myself right, first of all.)

All men are NOT dogs.
(No, though there are plenty of them around, they can cloud your judgment.)

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.

You need time to heal between relationships. ..there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
(Tough lesson learned. And yet so many refuse to see.)

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you... a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals.
Look for someone complementary, not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
(Yes it is :))

Make him miss you sometimes... when a man always know where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted.
(Men take many things for granted. All the time.)

Never move into his mother's house.
(NO. How'd he like moving into mine? Another way to get him to take you for granted.)

Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
(That means a lot of attention, a lot of love and devotion, lots of kisses and cuddles, bedtime aerobics to burn off the calories he fed u, no irresponsible cowardice, and a diamond ring and his mother's blessings for good measure. But remember, it's him you're marrying, not his mother. You don't have to like her to be civil to her.)

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
(Because, trust me, that's EXACTLY what he's doing to you.)

Share this with other women and men (just so they know)... You'll make
someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.
**

That's what I've to say. Guess I was never young. It's been said that all women are born with a hundred years' worth of collective feminine wisdom on them. Sometimes, I wonder if I was born with 150. It's both a blessing and a curse.

Worried

i'm worried.

i'm losing blood again.

what's with me and the constant loss of fluids?

so now the acne doesn't really show.

but the skin suffers, and the body suffers.

must i always get the worst manifestations of stress?

i'm losing blood.

so much it makes me faint.

columbine, now virginia: how much more idiocy is needed as a lesson?

crap happening in my personal life, but it doesn't mean that i've forgotten the 32 ppl who died in Virginia Tech.

never been a fan of weapons, and i think this just goes to prove what happens when u have a constitution that allows guns as a birthright.

here we have an adult/ semi-adult/ tween shooting fellow students.

but let's not forget the horror many years back when a child shot his schoolmates. Columbine. who can forget?

never been a fan of americans either, but this latest incident just goes to show how men who never learn from their mistakes never seem to go far.

tragedy repeats itself, and will continue to repeat itself, if remedial AND PREVENTIVE action isn't taken.

i don't see americans doing any such thing anytime soon, so i guess i should just prepare myself for more deaths in american schools/ universities.

IDIOTS.

a page out of Bren's book

gonna do what Bren did, cos i feel i have to blog, but i don't really feel like i want to :P

so here are my answers to the latest comments on 'so i guess this is goodbye':

marg:
i'm ok :) thank u. it isn't the end of the world, or even my world.

psycho:
i dont want to talk about it. it's done. it's over. pointless talking about spilt milk now.

:( u think i like twisting guys' balls? it's just that i don't believe any one person should be allowed to behave like an ass and get away with it. i've removed all ties with a girl, too. u know very well who it is. she was an ass.

ppl like that need to be reminded that the world doesn't revolve around them, and their miserly little problems.

that ppl are dying from civil warfare, or even starvation/ natural disasters.

that in the bigger scheme of things, we are all threads in a tapestry, and it's what we do collectively that makes a difference.

that in a single twist of irony, we're, all of us, both something, and nothing.

one person can cause a wave, that stirs the rest of the population to make more waves, and if we work in harmony, it can cause a tsunami. know what i mean?

and yet one wave isn't enough to cause a tsunami, because we aren't all that significant. alone. except to people we've touched with our lives. as in, the water molecule next to a water molecule vibrating to form a wave can definitely feel it, no? but then again, u won't be alone, if u've touched lives, right?

my point precisely.

u catch my drift?

The Icarus Project

i'm sorry.

i know you've seen me put myself on self-destruct for years now.

i know you know more secrets about me than almost anyone else.

you know i know you're the only one i trust almost fully.

i know it pains you to watch me put myself through the silly roundabout shit that i put myself through.

it deprives you of your sleep. it makes you weary listening to me.

i know you feel like slapping me and giving me a good round of kicking in my ass for not listening to all your advice.

i know you think i'm an idiot for going out with the guys that i have. to quote you: they've all been shit.

i don't know how you knew about the latest, but you seemed to know.

you always seem to know the right things to say. at all the right times.

and for all the times you've stood by me, and advised me, and listened to me, thank you very much.

know that i've tried. know that i'm trying still. harder than you can ever know. know that i'm forever grateful.

you say i deserve better than i've got. that i'm one of those who needs love more than sex. that i should stop giving in to men who don't care. who aren't worth my time, and care and attention, and devotion.

that my self-discovery doesn't have to be in shit.

that fatalism isn't attractive on me.

that i shouldn't wallow in the mud of the plebs when i'm patrician.

that no one else matters but me. nobody. none of their opinions.

that it's true we may all live together but ultimately we die alone.

that shit isn't for me. the sun is.

i know not what to say. know that i appreciate your vote of confidence always. that i may not tell you often enough, but i do. thank you for thinking i'm beautiful, and worth the sun.

call me icarus from today henceforth then.

i'm aiming for the sun that's rightfully mine.

if i fall, i can at least say that i've come close to greatness.

so i guess this is goodbye

so i lied.

so i couldn't do what i promised i would.

i'm not sure if i love you. maybe i'm starting to. maybe i do, in a way. maybe i was charmed by you, in your own way.

but i don't want to spend the rest of my days being constantly on tenterhooks about where i stand.

and seeing how you are when it comes to things like this, i'm not sure i want to take the chance.

you're always running away. hiding behind your situation or the people around you.

blaming every bad thing that happens on any other thing but yourself. you take no responsibility for what happens.

or when you do, it's only hearsay, lip-serving.

NATO: No Action, Talk Only.

you're a coward. other people have gone through worse shit than you have, there are some things in their lives they can't change, but they make the best of it.

you whine about the things that you CAN change, but refuse to.

you pride yourself on your patience, but is it really? is it patience or cowardice that holds you back from the things that you want? from reaching out for your own happiness?

is it really your consideration for other people's feelings? your own self-perceived empathy? or is that just an excuse you make for yourself, because you know yourself way too well, but is afraid to face that part of you?

is it fear of change? is it fear of maturity? responsibility? loneliness?

you haven't got the balls. you haven't got the spine.

and i haven't got the time.

i'd rather be alone than be unhappy.

we all need time.

time to learn to stand up on our own.

time to move forward.

time to let go.

time to grow up.

time to reach out.

and yet sometimes time runs out on us.

and i find that i am running out of time.

i've spoken to you.

not once, not twice.

many times.

you asked me my opinion. you asked me my advice.

why ask, when you don't listen?

so i shall speak no more. i've said all i could. all i needed to.

you're wasting my time.

time i don't have much of.

time i would rather spend on people who appreciate it.

time for people who really wants me. and my company.

and not make use of me for whatever sick, little, twisted reason.

i'm tired of your little psychological tests. your little emotional blackmailing: 'Do this for me... (let's see if she does it)'

if you don't think much of me in the first place, then why did you bother?

if i hadn't cared for you, i wouldn't have bothered spending so much time with you.

but i guess it wasn't enough.

what you took from me wasn't enough.

yes, i care for you. but sometimes a girl has to care for herself more.

if i don't afford myself the self-respect i deserve, i wouldn't be getting it from you, or from anyone else, for that matter.

after months of observation, i suppose i could conclude safely: especially not from you.

after all i've told you, i would've expected you to know better.

but i guess not. maybe you've never really listened to me.

maybe you've never really wanted to.

that's ok.

time to learn to stand on my own.

time to move forward.

time to let go.

time to grow up.

before time runs out on me.

i have reached out.

i can honestly say i've tried.

i can only hold my hands out to a man who's gonna fall. whether or not he wants to grip it is of his own volition.

i've held out my hand.

now it's up to you to reach out and grip it.

but if you don't, it's ok.

though some friendships are meant for a lifetime, some kind of friendships are meant to last for only a while.

maybe this is one of those.

i guess was wrong about you. i guess i'm disappointed in you. i'm disappointed to see so much potential go to waste.

but that's ok, too. you weren't the first to disappoint me, and i reckon you wouldn't be the last.

i'm not sure i could do what i promised you i would.

i'm not really sure you really want me to, either.

so i guess this is goodbye.

Of Balloons and Conversations

Thursday, 12.04.2007. 2300 hours.

Was at McDs with The Girl and Little Boss. Little Boss was supposed to get us McDs new Hotcakes but apparently he forgot. I wonder if it was some subversive tactics to get me to "Eat Protein! In Every Meal!" Auntie betul laaa.... :)

McDs had all these colourful balloons all over the place, and me, having a THING for balloons, told The Girl I wanted a white one. White one was really puuurrrrtttiiiiieeeee...... Little Boss heard it and said: Ask them for it la! I said I didn't want it, it was just a passing remark, plus! how was i going to carry it on the train with me? Shy-lar! He actually asked McDs staff for one. They brought him a bunch, but he asked for one, even one that wasn't blown yet. They gave him a handful of those, so he blew one up in the elevator and gave it to me.

Cute, but I thought it was a rather crazy thing to do. And very shy-lar. Oh well :)

Nice of him to do that, and I got my balloon, though it was quite embarrassing to go through all that ruckus at McDs.

**

On another note, a conversation with someone today brought home yet again the realisation that:

You gotta let go of the past, to move forward with the present into the future.

That's a problem, isn't it? How to know to draw the line, and say: Well, fuck it! This is holding me back, I have to cut this off to improve my quality of life. Funny how so many things can affect us without our realising to what extent it does. Until it's too late.

I've always been too cerebral about my emotions. I have to analyse everything. Think things through. Over and over. From as many angles as I possibly can. I've always perceived love first with my head, and then my heart: I can never fall in love with this guy. He's not right for (whatever) reasons. No. Don't get too close. Don't get swept off your feet. Never gonna happen. So don't even try. You're gonna get burnt so bad, 3rd degree burns are nothing. So don't even go there.

I rationalise everything. Why Does this happen? Why Doesn't this happen? There's a reason. Always, there's a reason. It's just whether I can fathom it. I don't know why I do it, but I do.

Have I ever fallen in love? No. Fall doesn't describe it. I can't do falling. I do it too much physically to allow it emotionally. Have I ever liked someone enough to consider allowing myself to Grow into loving him? Yes. Once. How'd I like it? Figured out after 4 years, he ain't worth jack. Move on.

What did I learn? If a guy doesn't bother explaining to you what he thinks and feels about you, don't waste your time. Go on with your life and spread your wings. Learn how to fly. Always depend on yourself. Men come. Men go. If you want to stay where you want to stay, learn to leave a mark. Your own.

If a man doesn't know how to tell you how he feels, run. Unless you want to be with a boy. If you don't, find things to do with yourself and your time. Have a life of your own. Love yourself first, because a man isn't going to do it for you if you don't do it for yourself. There's a huge difference between men and boys.

If a man isn't going to stay, he isn't going to stay. Whine, whinge, threaten suicide, get pregnant, throw a tantrum, get bipolar and manic depressive, it won't make a bloody difference. What do you want? A man who loves you wholeheartedly, for who you are, and who you can be, or a shell which is only there because you want him there? Do you want to be making love to a shadow who's there physically on your demand, but committing, repeatedly, emotional infidelity, or someone who loves you, faithfully, desperately, adoringly?

I want a man who would love me like that: faithfully, desperately, adoringly.
Any other way is no way. Because I would respond in kind. I know I could. And I know I would.

Take me as I am, or not at all.

So I didn't make him stay.
I walked away.

If his heart wasn't in me, I didn't want him faking something that isn't real.

No regrets except one.

The friendship died with it. I could no longer even trust him as a friend. It was pointless.

But I no longer had a nagging doubt, a burden.

It was a major relief.

I just wonder why, history keeps repeating itself.

How many trials by fire must I go through before I've compensated for all my sins? How long more before I could finally have someone make me smile, rather than try to make someone else smile at my expense?

Trials by fire. I've had enough.

A Lesson in Detachment

Why are you unnecessarily worrying?
Whom do you fear?
Who can you kill?
Soul is not born, nor does it die.

What has happened has happened for the best.
What is happening is happening for the best.
What will happen will happen for the best.

Do not brood over the past.
Do not worry about the future.
The present is on.

What have you lost that you are weeping?
What have you brought, that you have lost?
What have you made that has been destroyed?

You brought not anything.
What you have, you got from here.
What was given, was given here.
What you took you took from the universe.
You have come empty handed and shall go empty handed.

What is yours today was somebody else’s in the past and will be somebody else’s in the future.
You think it is yours and you are deeply engrossed in it.
This attachment is the cause of all your sorrow.

Change is the law of life.

What you call death is life itself.

In a moment you are a millionaire, in the next you are a poor man.
Mine-yours; small-big; ours-theirs.
Remove this from your mind, then everything is yours and you are everybody’s.

~Sri Bhagavad Gita~

26

I hit 26 in 3 weeks. And I am moping. I'm disgusted with myself.

So I made mistakes. So I made some really stupid wrong choices. SO BLOODY WHAT.

I wasn't thinking. Bad things usually happen to me when I leave my brain at some door.

Still, I don't regret it. I refuse to. It was good while it lasted. I refuse to think anything else.

So I WILL stop continuing to act like a dumb bitch and go out. And party. And drink. And dirty dance like I used to. Haven't done that for 2 years. And check out cute guys. And kiss them and make out with them to glory. Glory glory hallelujah! Fuck it. Someone's bound to like the way I move and the way I kiss and the way I look. And how I think. And speak. And laugh. And smile. And taste. And smell. And feel.

I've been a very good girl for the most and better part of 25 years. I have 5 more years to go to live life before acting 'bad' starts looking irresponsible, which will probably happen when I hit 30. Very unbecoming for a 30 year-old to still act 16.

I will drag the bitch out. And I will have a good time. And go home totally sloshed, and knackered. And shower and scrub off the bitter, painful dregs of yesterdays and yesteryears. And sleep it off. And I will be fine.

After all, like Miss O'Hara says in Margaret Mitchell's Gone With The Wind:
Tomorrow is yet another day.

Tomorrow holds promise. Tomorrow holds hope.

I turn 26 in 3 weeks. I will be happy at 26. And the devil fly with anyone who tries to make it otherwise.

I don't have digital
I don't have diddly squat
It's not having what you want
It's wanting what you've got

**

I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up

**

I've got a crummy job
It don't pay near enough
To buy the things it takes
To win me some of your love

Every time I turn around
I'm looking up, you're looking down
Maybe something's wrong with you
That makes you act the way you do
Maybe I am crazy too

**

I'm gonna soak up the sun
While it's still free
I'm gonna soak up the sun
Before it goes out on me

**

I've got no one to blame
For every time I feel lame
I'm looking up

i was bored... needed a pick-me-up Pt. 2

i was bored... and needed a pick-me-up Pt. 2


ahhh... this is more like it...

yes i know i'm a cynic.
yes i know i make people earn my trust. when u've been burned so many times, u learn to know better.
yes i know i speak my mind. why do u think i m still single? most men hate being told they're wrong.
yes, i mind my business most of the time and is as neutral as Switzerland. until i'm asked an opinion, but if people don't listen to what i have to say, then i'll tell them: why ask anyway? and no longer answer the second time round. leave them alone and let them crash and burn.


i'm a cold bitch sometimes. but life is hard, and a girl has to protect herself when no one else does.

nemesisonfire, you're now logged in!

Below you'll find your test result. After, continue on to your homescreen to discover what we're about.

continue to OkCupid homescreen >

Snake You are 62% Cynical.

Watch out, don't test your patience . . . you're a snake! You make people earn your trust and they work to keep it. You make a fairly good balance of trusting people and being cautious at the same time. Don't get paranoid, though. Try concentrating on what makes you happy more than what doesn't and you'll avoid being mistrusted. Your outlook is not as cheerful as some; but that's okay. The world needs your ability to say what's on your mind and let others think what's on theirs. You're about as neutral as Switzerland, anyway. That's a good thing. You'll make more friends that way. Luckily, you will fit nicely with most any category. Ideally, you would want to look for friends/lovers who are kittens or bats. You're personality is pretty neutral in the area of cynicism. It all depends on personal preference, really. More cynical or less, bat or kitten?

My test tracked 2 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 30% on skeptical You scored higher than 30% on sarcastic

i was bored.... and needed a pick-me-up

i was bored.... and needed a pick-me-up


hmm.... i didn't think i was ahhh.... gentle...? dreamer???? whaaa???? romantic?! hopeful?!! *gags self...* i'm turning into a sentimental cunt! *disgusted :P*

The Sonnet Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf) Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed? Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance. Your exact opposite: Genghis Khunt Random Brutal Sex Master Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so. You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls. ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth CONSIDER: The Loverboy

Quote of My Day

Quote of My Day

This popped up in my gmail account:

One man's folly is another man's wife ~Helen Rowland~

I ain't making this up, man! :P I find it funny :) But that's just me and my warped sense of humour.

Good Friday

Good Friday

It's Good Friday, and I'm fasting. Hotchocolatebrownies! (to replace hotd***).... What abstinence. Fasting is more than enough for me. Sigh.... So the binge-ing yesterday was SO worth it.

Going to church later, and that arse of a Rabid Wombat laughed at me and said (on meeting up after): Lepas itu lah. We can sin, u went church already. Lol.

@#*(%#$%%^%^#$^%$##@$%^&&$#$^*(&#!!!!! <--Long list of unspoken invectives. Good Friday. I shall make an attempt at withholding my cussing for a day. *sniffs* That rabid boy will kena after today.

On another note, I wonder how Gentle Virgin is doing. She looked as though she wanted to say something to me the last time we met briefly at Sanctuary. Hmmm.... Should call her sometime.

you are what you eat ver. 3

you are what you eat ver. 3

Yerdeh still keeps tabs on her eating habit, so she makes me feel guilty.

But then, I can't for the life of me remember what I ate yesterday.

Okay, maybe if I try hard enough, I'd remember.

Brekkie

a green apple
a century egg

Elevenish

3 pieces of butter shortbread (i am fucked!) (my boss should stop stocking up on such fattening stuff in the fridge!!)

Lunch

rice with:
pig's ears (yes yes, I eat weird food)
vegetables

Tea

peanut butter bun (blame my boss! he keeps feeding us!)

Dinner

6 plates of sushi from the belt (good lor!! normally i finish 7-9. one time i hit 10, and it rose above the belt. Tracy was so embarrassed :P)

Teresian outing

Teresian outing

Looking forward to May. Old school friend I haven't seen in YEARS is gonna be here. I wonder how many more can make it? Planning an outing. Girls' day out. Maybe on my birthday?

On another note, gonna stop keeping tabs on my food intake. Makes me guilty!!! I is PIG!!!

eeeekkkkk....

eeeekkkkk....

Someone asked me if I wanted anything sexy from Thailand. LoL...

Which reminded me that I can't use anything with rubber/ silicone on it. I'm allergic. Some of La Senza's most beautiful bras and stockings I can only look at with longing, because those nasty things give me horrid allergies.

Red, hot, itchy, painful, swollen blisters. Disgusting!

or... in the words of my new housemates....: (in Mandarin, that sounds more or less like this) Hen Er-sing!!

:P

Which makes me wonder: If it's rubber/ silicone.... doesn't that mean I'd be allergic to condoms, too? That's bad, right?

Only one other person I know who's allergic to condoms. This nurse where I used to work. I've never known anyone else. Now I really don't know or remember why she told me that, so don't ask. Then again, an appropriate answer might be just that nothing's sacred in the medical profession. They have talked about bottles in anuses and vaginas too. Apparently, you shouldn't stick a bottle a certain way in. It causes damage that way.

Another to add to my list of weirdness in 6 forms, I guess?

Keeping busy.
Working myself to the ground.
Growing gray.
Losing weight.
Seems the only way.
To forget.

Shattered Glass

Shattered Glass

Tuesday, 03.04.2007. 2343 hours.

Someone asked me tonight why I upped and left in such a hurry.

Why I didn't bother to stay for the duration, or just a little longer. Give it a shot.

See, Security is a big thing for me. I won't invest myself, no matter how much I feel for something/ someone, if I don't sense the underlying sincerity. The basis of security.

I just didn't feel it.

There's no reason for me to stay. It would be foolishness. It would be painful.

A person might argue that it shouldn't be such an issue. Just bulldoze through it. Don't take it so seriously. Give it a shot. Don't let it affect you so much.

To such a person, I'd say FUCK YOU.

How can I not be affected? How can YOU not be?

One of the first people you'd see when you wake up in the morning is s/he. One of the people you spend the most time with in a week. So much hours in a day is spent with this one person.

How can you not be affected? If the relationship isn't mutually understanding, how can you not feel stressed?

You MUST have ice in your veins.

I can't do it.

I'm a woman.

I have flesh and bones. And blood in my veins (amongst other things). There is fire in me. And ice. I have ambitions, I have passion. I have hopes. I have dreams. They might be buried, but they're still there.

And my relationships with people are one of those things in which I define myself. Who I am, is, among other things, who I choose to surround myself with.

Unless I go through life like a zombie, floating constantly in limbo, I can't do it.

I LIVE. I LOVE. I LUST. I AM WOMAN. AND I REFUSE TO BE ASHAMED.

Unless I was forced to, whereby said person might have my body, but not my spirit, and definitely not my soul. Or my head and my heart. I won't allow that much desecration. Those places are holy. Some are not even mine to give.

But I had a choice.

The only logical thing was to leave. As quickly as humanly possible.

Because living like a zombie, in constant limbo...

Some day you'd wake up and ask yourself:

WHAT is THIS? WHO AM I?

Life. It's so Fragile. So Precious.

As though to prove the point, a phone call jarred the night when the person who asked me was sending me back home. Said person's grandmother had fallen and is in a coma. The shock waves rippling through the car was palpable. It was so sudden. So unexpected. So unnerving.

Life. It's so Fragile. So Precious.

Why waste it on someone or something SO NOT WORTH IT? Someone or Something that just wouldn't change?

What if it was I that fell and died tomorrow.

Death knows no boundaries. No demographics.

Death would come to the rich, or the poor. The old, or the young.

Death is fair. Death brings humility to all of us. Death shows us that all we strive for might be for naught. Death shows us we're mortal, after all. And ultimately, equal.

In my dying moments, with my life flashing before me, I'd regret it if I hadn't lived my life the way I had wanted to. I'd regret it if I had wasted it. On someone or something totally not worth my time. Or effort. Or affections (emotions).

Life is so fragile and so precious. Time is so short.

Memories are made with every passing second. With every breath I take.

I want to form memories worth living.

I want to form memories worth remembering when I breathe out my very last breath.

you are what you eat ver. 2

you are what you eat ver. 2

as can be seen from previous post, i was such a pig yesterday.

therefore, i shall try to control my diet TODAY. this will chronicle my gastronomical adventures today.

Breakfast

a green apple
a slice of cheese

Elevenish (was planning NOT to have elevenish... but blame my boss... i swear, he wants to make all of us fat!)

siew pow
some red bean thingy....

Lunch

rice with:
vegetables
wild boar curry

to be continued....

UPDATE!!

Tea

a pack of Kinder Bueno

Dinner

Roti Pisang, more the bananas than the roti. The roti wasn't very nice.

Wahhhh.... I didn't eat so much yesterday! I IS IMPRESSED WITH MY CONTROL!! :D

you are what you eat

you are what you eat... (GULP!)

inspired by Yerdeh ;)

Yesterday I ate as such....

Brekkie

Instant noodles with an egg.

Elevenish

Instant noodles with an egg...

Lunch

Rice with:
a) Vegetables
b) Fried egg (another one.. hmmm....)
c) Fried chicken
d) Char siew pork

Tea

Kinder Bueno and M&Ms

Dinner

Two Double Cheeseburgers (Da Bitch would so kill me for this...!)

Supper

Almond choccies...


OMG!! PIG!!!!!