I thought I was completely unromantic...

But perhaps my idea of romanticism is just different from others... and harder for a man to provide.

E.g.

1. Taking a blood test to make sure you're healthy and clean because you consider my health too.

2. Spending time with me everyday because you want to.

3. Learning how to cook my favourite dishes and then cooking dinner for me because you're sweet like that.

4. Taking time off just to walk with me from time to time. Or waking up early to watch the sunrise with me. Or the sunset.

5. Buying me or planting my favourite flowers just because I love them.

I guess my type of romanticism takes real effort and an in-depth knowledge of who I am, and so it's harder to give. It's not just a mindless case of buying me soft toys, or chocolates, or flowers, or expensive gifts. I don't buy that. Any man can buy me things, but only someone who actually makes the effort to know this sometimes reticent woman would actually know the things that I like. Someone who actually listens to me when I make my passing remarks about liking that flower, or loving this dish. It's hard, I know. But when that man comes along, I'll know he's worth it.

I guess I need to know my lover actually SEES me... not just looks at me, but sees me with his soul. 

And the stability and security of knowing that he understands me, if not fully, then partially.

My demons. They haunt me. I hate the loneliness they bring when I know I need to still my soul and fight them alone.

"Loneliness: the clearest of crystal insight into your own soul, it's the fear of one's own self that haunts the lonely." 

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for."

~Keith Haynie~

I'm praying really hard.

What caused this introspection?

Your Love Number is 4

You are a creative and expressive lover - a true romantic at heart. An introspective soul, you know exactly how your ideal relationship should be. But if you don't get that ideal, you tend to get a bit pouty and dramatic. You need someone who can roll with the punches, that's for sure!

What Is Your Love Number?

Happy CNY and Another One Bites the Dust!

Happy Chinese New Year to all... I'm eating to my hearts content back home :P

It's nice to roll around on crazy cold mornings in a huge huge bed and wake up to fresh air and the sound of rain, and the smell of home-cooked food wafting up from the kitchen. Bliss :D

Well, nowadays, I feel better. We still talk, and somehow, it seems we're sorting things out a little better now that we both seem saner.

On the other hand, I hope I can keep up this sanity (fingers crossed). Now that I'm back home, it seems to help a lot. Like it did 2 years ago. Coming home seems to help a lot with emotional wounds, even if few people know.

Nowadays I try to tell myself: If it works out, it works out. If it doesn't, well... there are things to do and places to go and people to meet and trails to blaze and hearts to break... :P Yes, I need to cheer myself up :) so let me have my little bit of optimism.

I've some plans this year, and hopefully by the end of the first quarter, I'd have solidified those plans, or at least, put the foundations of those plans in place.

As I kept getting reminded of my age these past few days, I figure some serious goals need to be put in place. Long term goals, short term goals. If I don't achieve them, at least I come close. And at the end of the period, I stand to gain more than I stand to lose. It's time :)

On another note, my friends and I were doing a rough count on who among my former classmates are still around in our home state, and we could barely come up with 10. Out of 45. Our best and brightest have all upped and gone.

And along those lines, how many have settled down. 10 to 15 maybe? Hahaha... I guess we're sooo not in a hurry. Things to do, places to go, trails to blaze, etc.? :P

Well, one of us has bitten the dust :P Congrats to her that she's found someone whom she's happy with, and who's happy and content being with her. One sister down :P Plenty more to go :D

Well, hun, I'd sing this at your wedding :P Freddie Mercury... Ohhhh yeeeaahhhh :P Gay or not, he's quite the vocalist :)

Stevie walks swiftly down the street with his brim pulled way down low

Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet, machine gun's ready to go

Are you ready hey, are you ready for this? 

Are you hanging on the edge of your seat? 

Out of the doorway the bullets rip to the sound of the beat yeeeah

Another one bites the dust

Another one bites the dust

And another one gone

And another one gone

Another one bites the dust

Hey, I'm gonna get you too

Another one bites the dust

How do you think I'm going to get along without you when you're gone? 

You took me for everything that I had and kicked me out on my own

Are you happy, are you satisfied? 

How long can you stand the heat? 

Out of the doorway the bullets rip to the sound of the beat (Look out)

Another one bites the dust

Another one bites the dust

And another one gone

And another one gone

Another one bites the dust

Hey, I'm gonna get you too

Another one bites the dust

HEY

Oh, take it

Bite the dust

Bite the dust yeah

Hey

Another one bites the dust

Another one bites the dust, oh

Another one bites the dust, hey, hey

Another one bites the dust, heeeeey

Oh, shoot out

There are plenty of ways you can hurt a man and bring him to the ground

You can beat him, you can cheat him

You can treat him bad and leave him when he's down yeeeah

But I'm ready, yes I'm ready for you

I'm standing on my own two feet

Out of the doorway the bullets rip 

Repeating the sound of the beat Ohhhhhh yeeeah

Another one bites the dust

Another one bites the dust

And another one gone

And another one gone

Another one bites the dust

Hey, I'm gonna get you too

Another one bites the dust

Shoot out

Hey

Alright

~Queen (featuring Freddie Mercury)'s Another One Bites the Dust~

Not like I used to do

La La La 

La La La 

Maybe, it's me, maybe I bore you

No no, it's my fault, cos I can't afford you

Maybe baby, puffy, jay z

would all be better for you

Cos all I can do is love you

Baby when I used to love you

There's nothing that I wouldn't do, 

I went thru the fire for you, and I'm not gonna play the fool

No I can't live this life, and I can't justify, and I can't make it my life

Cos I don't love you

Not like I used to do

Whatever happened to Republica?

Well, read what you want into this choice of my Song for the Day:

Ready to go

Ready to go

You're weird, in tears

Too near and too far away

He said saw red

Went home, stayed in bed all day

Your t-shirt's dish dirt

Always love the one you hurt

It's a crack, I'm back

Yeah standing on the rooftops

Shouting out:

"Baby, I'm ready to go

I'm back and ready to go,"

From the rooftops, shout it out

It's a crack, I'm back

Yeah, standing on the rooftops having it

Baby, I'm ready to go

I'm back and ready to go

From the rooftops, shout it out

Shout it out

You sleep, too deep

One week is another world

Big mouth drop out

You get what you deserve

You're strange, insane

One thing you can never change

It's a crack, I'm back

Yeah standing on the rooftops

Shouting out:

"Baby, I'm ready to go

I'm back and ready to go,"

From the rooftops, shout it out

It's a crack, I'm back

Yeah, standing on the rooftops having it

Baby I'm ready to go

I'm back and ready to go

From the rooftops, shout it out

Shout it out

Ready to go...

Abused, confused

Always love the one you hurt

It's a crack, I'm back

Yeah, standing on the rooftops

Shouting out:

"Baby, I'm ready to go

I'm back and ready to go,"

From the rooftops, shout it out

It's a crack, I'm back

Yeah, standing on the rooftops having it

Baby, I'm ready to go

I'm back and ready to go

From the rooftops, shout it out

Shout it out

It's a crack

Baby, I'm ready to go

Baby, I'm ready to go

Baby, I'm ready to go

Baby, I'm ready to go

Baby, I'm ready to go

Baby, I'm ready to go

Baby, I'm ready to go

Baby, I'm ready to go

Baby, I'm ready to go 

~Republica, Ready To Go~

Whatever it is, it's a totally danceable song :P

Failed

I'm always so misunderstood by you.

Lately, especially, every word that I say, every action that I take get misrepresented and misunderstood.

I hate how we turned out. How I feel. I'm sorry for us both.

I've failed.

I no longer hope.

Goldfrapp's A&E: Accident Emergency

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey

And the pain is starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining

Think I want you still

But there may be pills at work

Do you really wanna know how I was dancing on the floor?

I was trying to phone you when I'm crawling out that door

I'm amazed at you, the things you say that you don't do

Why don't you ring?

I was feeling lonely, feeling blue

Feeling like I needed you

Like I'm walking up surrounded by me

A&E

It's a blue, bright blue Saturday, hey hey

And the pain is starting to slip away, hey hey

I'm in a backless dress on a pastel ward that's shining

Think I want you still

But there may be pills at work

How did I get to accident - emergency?

All I wanted was you to take me out high

And I was feeling lonely, feeling blue

Feeling like I needed you

Like I hoped you'd call and hoped you'd see me

A&E 

Always loved Goldfrapp. And this is an excellent song. Features Alison's haunting vocals well, with lyrics that are succinct and to the point: How did I get to accident emergency?

Is it any wonder?

I have just returned from a dinner date with a collegemate I have not seen since 2001.

When we shared a dorm we were pretty tight until I moved out and we lost touch because I lost my phone.

So here I was having dinner and catching up with her and her roommate, L.

L had her concerns about how C was unreachable for almost two years, and asked her why.

Apparently she had fallen into depression. She had been dating a guy for about 2 years and they had almost gotten married. Bought a house together jointly. She was basically looking after all his affairs, paid for everything, even his phone bills. Even looked after his family.

Then he had an affair. Told different stories to different people. A cunning linguist, that one. Gave the other lady STDs. He had it from a previous girlfriend. Apparently he only confessed long after the relationship was over.

It was all very nasty and horrible. Even until now, after all her money was spent on lawyer's fees, it's still hard for her to regain all her losses on this wretch.

It's sad. Really. The mistakes smart women make over love. We've all been there, some stories worse than others.

I remember how mom and girlfriends always said it was better to marry someone who wasn't suave and sweet-talking. It's always better to marry someone who was a bad liar. Who was direct. Who didn't know how to pretend.

And how a girl always had more to lose. It's always important to protect one's assets. It's not unromantic. It's just.... self-preservation. Romance, sad to say, would have to take a backseat to practicality.

Perhaps this is why some women would rather marry into money.

Me, I figure considering the horror stories and the statistics, how sometimes, it's best to not marry at all. Being single has a ready escape clause. It's always easier to cut one's losses and run without a signed contract in between. Already, like C, she's already having so much trouble (even being single) to cut all ties because it's a case of 'Love and Affection'. What more if she had actually married this man?

Is it any wonder that so many of my year-mates who are good, smart, loving women capable of their own steady income and not intending to marry for money are single and have little intention to settle down, some being downright commitaphobics? We see and hear these cases with our own eyes and ears, many of them our own friends. And we help them pick up the pieces of their lives ruined by the wrong choice of men. We're there as a shoulder to cry on, we're there to offer support, we're there for opinion. We're there when everything crashes and burns.

Is it any wonder then, that we look at the crop of men around and wonder when they will grow up and take responsibility for their own lives, and the decisions that they make?

Is it any wonder then, that we figure if they're not ready to let go of their mothers' apron strings, that the rightful place for them is with their mothers?

Is it any wonder that most of us end up just pursuing our own careers and our own lives, and putting these first because it's a safety net that we know is more reliable? After all, we built them with our own hands. We got here with great effort, many mistakes, and great perseverence. We fought so hard to get to where we are, and are still fighting so hard to stay. And strangely, most of us are where we want to be. At 27/ 28. Finally. Career-wise, most of us are fairly satisfied with our day jobs.

But we're commitaphobes. I can count on one hand the batch-mates that married for love. 

Old maids, all of us. Maybe. Or perhaps, we'd just rather be alone than be unhappy.

Unless the men are worth our while... why bother wasting our fabulous selves on people who'd just make us miserable?

Being Human

If we knew when we were going to die, we'd do everything right the first time around. Because we knew we wouldn't have the chance to relive the moment again.

But being human, and being ignorant, we think there's always going to be a tomorrow. And another tomorrow. And yet another tomorrow.

And so it piles up. What we should do. What we want to do. The important things. The not-so-important things that become important things as the days and months and years fly by.

Until we realise one day, oh shit... where did the years go? What happened to the things I wanted to do, the things I should do, the people that had mattered to me?

So many hurts lie along the avenue of life. So many disappointments.

We live like we've got forever, but in truth, life is short. And precious. Why wait for tomorrow to say: I love you? Why let the fears hold us back from what we want to do? What we should do? Why let our pain keep us from trying new things? Keep us fenced in?

Why put off till tomorrow (and forever) what we can do today?

If we knew that we had just another 24 hours to live... will material possessions matter so much anymore? Will we want to spend at least 8 hours of it slaving at a job? Or will we start calling up everyone we care for to tell them we remember them, we cherish them in our hearts, we want them to know how much they mean to us, how we think of them when we're about to die. 

We go back to the arms of the people we love most. Because surely, on our deathbed, the last thing we would want to remember seeing are the faces of the people who mean the most to us. It would be a very sad thing, I think, to end up dying alone.

After all, in truth, when we leave this plane of existence, who cares that we leave behind a monument if there's no one to tell of it in the first place? What matters most, as a legacy, would be the memories we leave behind in the minds of the people who think of us.

The lives we touch. The people we leave behind. How they remember us. These would be our legacy.

John Mayer's Say from The Bucket List

Say what you need to say....

Take out all of your wasted honor 

Every little past frustration 

Take all of your so called problems 

Better put them in quotations 

Say what you need to say (8x) 

Walking like a one man army 

Fighting with the shadows in your head 

Living out the same old moment 

Knowing you'd be better off instead 

If you could only 

Say what you need to say (8x) 

Have no fear for giving in 

Have no fear for giving over 

You better know that in the end its better to say too much 

Than never to say what you need to say again 

Even if your hands are shaking 

And your faith is broken 

Even as the eyes are closing 

Do it with a heart wide open 

Why? 

Say what you need to say (25x)

~John Mayer's Say~

Something to oil the machinery with

the totally yummy chris evans (bottom pic) and scott evans (top pic) in the same room... and me, of course...

damn. :P

too bad scott is gay... hehe...

Looking through new eyes

I'm looking through new eyes again

Another turn through a wrap around bend

Another fiction about the end

Another heel I've got to mend

What's the deal?

What's the deal?

What's the deal?

What's the deal?

Afraid that it hurts just to feel

The headlights behind you are always too bright

The road ain't the same and the bitterness bites

Kiss of a stranger

Another trance of circumstance

Another girl a dime a dance

Hidden danger

What's the deal?

What's the deal?

What's the deal?

What's the deal?

Afraid that it hurts just to feel

Lessons of the past get all confused

All the stories that I've ever used

Captor of my true desire

Master of my inner choir

I've got to know, so tell me

What's the deal?

What's the deal?

What's the deal?

What's the deal?

Afraid that it hurts just to feel

Afraid that it hurts just to feel

A dream is true

A dream is true romance

Oh what's the deal?

Oh what's the deal?

It better hurts

Just to feel

Just to feel

What's the Deal?

Last Girl On Earth

There's nothing out there... Am I the last girl on earth?

Patterns

some things are just indicative of behavioural patterns.

the way a person treats someone else. makes their replies. act out.

they're indicative of how things will turn out a year, 5 years, 10 years down the line.

if a method didn't work out the first time around, following the same road 10 times over 10 years would still have the same end result. one has to stop, take stock of what's working and what's not, and try something else, or just move on.

what many people fail to realise is that although a person may love someone with everything a person has, sometimes they don't end up marrying the person due to circumstances beyond a person's control.

likewise, although a person does not love someone as much, he/ she ends up marrying the person because they've learnt to care for each other, make the effort to understand each other, and learn to live with each other.

that's the mistake plenty of people make. to assume that just because there's a lot of love, they need not put as much effort into it. that they need not be as patient, as kind, as understanding. because the other person should be patient, kind, understanding. 

however, true love is a two way street. 

just because one partner is unhappy with him/ herself, the other should not change him/ herself to try to make their partner happy. he/ she would lose him/ herself in the process and become a person without character. ultimately the relationship would fail, because a person would not be able to put up with that for long.

so unless u'd rather have a partner with absolutely no character so u can dominate the entire relationship, u've got to know exactly what u want, what u need and what u can contribute to a relationship. otherwise the same mistakes would be made at 24, at 27, at 28, at 29, at 31, at 33.

1If I speak in the tongues[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

~1 Corinthians 13~

where is the paradise that we seek?

i've been so exhausted, i woke up late this morning.

i woke up again in the middle of last night, gasping for breath, both my calves shooting with excruciating pain. leg cramps. i'm too young for this. i've never had this before, not until a couple of months back. i wonder what's wrong.

i woke up again this morning to my right calf cramping on me. my body is telling me something. but i just can't place my finger on it.

i said my goodbyes last night. i wanna start anew. if we meet again, it'd hopefully be, for both of us, as different people, in a different place and in a different time. i suppose that's the only way. i've stored the two things he gave me. when i'm ready, i'd take it back out again. after all, one of it needs fixing. and i've no idea where to get it fixed. maybe it'd stay broken always, i don't know.

the butterfly effect... :

The flapping of a single butterfly's wing today produces a tiny change in the state of the atmosphere. Over a period of time, what the atmosphere actually does diverges from what it would have done. So, in a month's time, a tornado that would have devastated the Indonesian coast doesn't happen. Or maybe one that wasn't going to happen, does. (Ian Stewart, Does God Play Dice? The Mathematics of Chaos, pg. 141)

what little thing that happens in the initial stages can produce a massive effect in the near/ far future. unfortunately, we as a human race in general, fail to take note of every little thing that we do. every little thing that we say. i myself, have been guilty of this.

i read starbook during the holidays, curled up in a big bouncy bed in a guesthouse overlooking the sea, trying my darnedest to stay sane. it's a really good book. i enjoyed it immensely. ben okri is a fantastic writer. go here for reviews:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2007/aug/19/fiction.benokri

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/reviews/starbook-a-magical-tale-of-love-and-regeneration-by-ben-okri-462747.html 

it reminded me that i'm a "work of art in formation"... as Okri depicts "how unpromising excellent things are in their youth. how awkward true beauty seems in its early stages" and how happiness can be so fleeting, and yet how that one single glorious moment can be held in a person's heart as a guide and a source of strength for many lifetimes.

life is, after all, a paradox. 

all our lives, we seek understanding. we try to understand ourselves, our loved ones, the workings of the cosmos and the greater scheme of things in general. and yet sometimes, in that search, we forget the beautiful simplicity of just being, which is the very root of our souls. 

paradise can be both lost and found right where we are.

The Ghost of You

I never 

Said I'd lie and wait forever

If I died we'd be together now

I can't always just forget her

But she could try

At the end of the world

Or the last thing I see

You are

Never coming home

Never coming home

Could I? Should I? 

And all the things that You never ever told me

And all the smiles that are ever ever... 

Ever... 

Get the feeling that you're never

All alone and I remember now

At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies

She dies

At the end of the world

Or the last thing I see

You are

Never coming home

Never coming home

Could I? Should I? 

And all the things that you never ever told me

And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

Never coming home 

Never coming home

Could I? Should I? 

And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me

For all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me

If I fall

If I fall (down)

(Wooooaah, woooooah, wooooooaaaaah)(repeat 4x)

At the end of the world

Or the last thing I see

You are

Never coming home

Never coming home

Never coming home

Never coming home

And all the things that you never ever told me

And all the smiles that are ever gonna haunt me

Never coming home

Never coming home

Could I? Should I? 

And all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me

For all the ghosts that are never gonna...

~My Chemical Romance's The Ghost of You~

Teardrop

And this one's for you, mon petit bébé

(Love)Love is a verb

Love is a doing word

Feathers on my breath

Gentle impulsion

Shakes me makes me lighter

Feathers on my breath

Teardrop on the fire

Feathers on my breath

In the night of matter

Black flowers blossom

Feathers on my breath

Black flowers blossom

Feathers on my breath

Teardrop on the fire

Feathers on my breath

Water is my eye

Most faithful mirror

Feathers on my breath

Teardrop on the fire of a confession

Feathers on my breath

Most faithful mirror

Feathers on my breath

Teardrop on the fire

Feathers on my breath

You're stumbling a little

You're stumbling a little

~Massive Attack's Teardrop~

I'm sorry this was all you were given. Teardrop on the fire of a confession, feathers on my breath, black flowers blossoming in the night of matter, water being my eyes. I can't forget you, and I love you so very much. I'd have given so much for you to stay, even given it another chance.

Galaxy of Emptiness

This song's for you...

Stars light the sky in a galaxy of emptiness tonight

Though I'm happiest when there's no reason for me to be

When no one's expectations weigh heavy on my heart

And so much hope it sometimes tears me all apart

Could you please knock me off my feet, for a while?

Could you please knock me off my feet, for a while?

Cos there's a galaxy of emptiness tonight

A whole galaxy of emptiness tonight

There's a galaxy of emptiness...

A whole galaxy of emptiness...

Stars light the sky in a gutter full of of broken dreams tonight

Though I'm not content that's the way it seems to be

Still I've been fightin' all week though I don't know what for

Hopin' someone else, someone near knows the score

Could you please knock me off my feet, for a while?

Could you please knock me off my feet, for a while?

And there's a galaxy of emptiness tonight

A whole galaxy of emptiness tonight

There's a galaxy of emptiness...

A whole galaxy of emptiness...

Monkey see, monkey do

I spent my whole life surrounded by people like you

With all that expectation to weigh heavy on your heart

You've no ideas to let it tear it all apart

Could you please knock me off my feet, for a while?

Could you please knock me off my feet, for a while?

Cause there's this galaxy of emptiness tonight

A whole wide galaxy of emptiness tonight

There's this galaxy of emptiness...

A whole wide galaxy of emptiness...

Burn burn burn your soul to find

Burn burn burn your soul to find

Burn burn burn your soul away

Burn your soul to find... to find...

Burn to find...

Burn to find...

A whole wide galaxy of emptiness tonight

Yeah, there's a galaxy of emptiness...

A whole wide galaxy of emptiness...

A galaxy of emptiness...

~Beth Orton's Galaxy of Emptiness~


Yes, baby, I just wanted you to please knock me off my feet for awhile sometimes. :( Guess that was too much to ask for from you.

epic fail

the sleepless nights. waking up during the witching hours. i hope they'd end.

last night was probably our last big fight. i can't do the friend thing. not now anyway. each time the wounds would re-open all over again. stuck in relationship limbo... what's the point? can't talk like friends do, can't talk like lovers do. neither here, nor there.

he hasn't learnt. going back to his old blogs when he wrote about how the girl he was going out with then got upset because he ignored her as he was trying to close shop at 3am and she pulled a big drama on him. women... they just wanna know u take notice. that even if u put them off, u don't put them off for too long. and u'd remember and care enough to return as soon as you can. simple. it's not that hard to say: work. tty when done. and u do. call when u're done at work, that is. not after u finish work, go yumcha with friends for 2 hours. and by the time u get home all u wanna do is pass out. was it any wonder she was pissed then? and i was pissed when we were together? that blog was what, 2003, 2004? 4 years later, it's the same thing. except it's now me. and i do it mostly during normal people's hours, meaning wake up around 8am, sleep around 11-12pm.

my mistake from the start, was giving him too much leeway. compromising too much. 

oh, you can't make it down? :(:(:(:(:( why? work? :(:(:(:(:( ok lah :( i come up lor....

why can't you make it down this month? :( no money? :( sighs.... ok lah :( i come up lor.....

and so i do, i fed myself to a relationship that had an imbalance of power from the start. i gave too much, demanded too little. in any close relationship there has to be give and take. he took too much, gave too little in return. time, bridging the distance- affection, attention, appreciation. very little were given.

first i argued about it... then he says i don't understand. so i tried. and i took it lying down. now he says where did the girl he fell in love with went? the one who wouldn't take anything lying down?

i wonder now, though... if he could have given that girl who wouldn't take anything lying down what she wanted to be happy. she would have:

1. insisted he came down at least once a month like he promised to at the start of the relationship. made time for it. not just come down and spent time (inclusive of sleeping) for 7-8 hours and head back up. that's a rubbish trip. insisted that he take leave if he had to to spend time with his then very new gf. because if he can't spend the necessary amount of time with a girlfriend, he has no right to have one in the first place.

2. whether or not money was tight, the relationship should have been priority. and the necessary trips to be made to bridge the gap would be priority. if he knows that money would be tight for a certain month, he should save up on it, scrimp from other places like he would if he really really really wanted that souped-up gaming mouse. spent less on movies, yumchas, drinking, other activities. instead of just saying: money's a bit tight for me this month. i can't come down. maybe u can come up instead? well, i was a fool. i came up. that spitfire i was would have said: NO. if we mean anything to you, you save up and come down. after all, he could say it to me, so why can't i? if you can dish it out, make sure you can take it in. 

3. she would've given him 3 chances to decide on how to work out the relationship and stick to it, instead of the: i don't knows and the i'm not sures and the maybes and the let's just trys and the give it some times. she would've given him 3 chances and once those were up and nothing much has changed, she would've tossed him out the door. but i was foolish. and love made me blind. and so i stayed. again and again and again. AND again. until i'm a complete wreck and i've almost forgotten who i was. till he was caught red-handed and reality slapped me in the face.

sacrifices cannot just be a one-way street.

i should not have. 'cos this boy... he can dish it out, but he can't take it in. his ego wouldn't let him. there's just 'me' in his universe. there's only 'we' when it's convenient for him, suited him.

he says i was the one who called it off. how not to? when it's not working? when i'm a reservoir that he has drained dry to nourish himself but put little water back in? with each usage, more was taken out, less was being put back in. just because one person was the one to call it off, doesn't mean that the person hurts any less. perhaps the person hurts even more. i called it off as a means of self-preservation. to protect myself. so that he could stop hurting me. so that i'd stop crying every damn night over his broken promises, his half-truths, his lack of conviction, his need for constant understanding, support and affection, but little understanding, support and affection in return, his need for instant gratification. i called if off, yes. was i supposed to bleed myself to emotional death before he was happy?

he says i set a time-limit for him. i waited a year for him to fix himself, to regain the confidence and conviction i had glimpsed when we first met. yet he can't seem to find his footing. yet he dallied. was i supposed to wait for him forever and put myself on the backburner while he did the Melbourne shuffle? he wanted me to move north to where he was. how was i supposed to without a suitable job? while he was at the job that took him away from me 95% of the time? was i supposed to make the biggest sacrifice ever for a relationship that was shaky by month 3? was i supposed to sacrifice everything before he was willing to make any major ones for me? that was unfair. and he knows it too. he just wouldn't admit it. yes, i set him a time-limit. because i will be 28. he will be 34. we don't have forever to waste. and if he doesn't feel any urgency whatsoever, he'd be shuffling along as he had for the past 9 years. if he wishes to do that, it's his choice. but i can make other choices.

so yes, he can be angry that at least i held my ground where it mattered most to me. he can think i'm an ultra-dramatic psycho bitch. possessive, jealous, demanding. he can call me all the names he want when he's angry just as he has been doing all this while. so be it. he tells me to go fuck myself. unfortunately for him and for me, i've been doing that all this while. because he has hardly been around. would it make a difference? yes, of course, some. but still...

it wasn't the first time he's said that to a girl: go fuck yourself. words of war he can't retract. i'm only wondering why, more often than not, he only realises he needs to fix himself once everything has turned to ash. once the whole town is razed to the ground, and salt has been tilled into the earth. when the whole town is barren wasteland for him. maybe months or years later, then he'd ask: what went wrong? ashes to ashes. dust to dust. the question should've been asked during the relationship: what's going wrong? but that's just what i think. he probably feels differently.

as for me, i wonder why at 28, all i've got to show for my meagre love life is a string of epic failures. was he the worst? hell, no. then again, perhaps if we'd had stayed in the same town, we'd have been friends but never lovers, instead. he always was a better friend after all.

what do i think? personally?

mistake number 1. i let myself get swallowed up by the relationship. he gave many many excuses for avoiding life, for loving me correctly. he said i was not understanding. so i tried so hard to be. every time he didn't do something, i compensated for it. i should've made him take ownership and responsibility of the relationship as well, instead of doing it all on my own.

i should have insisted that he acted like a boyfriend. a real boyfriend. and not made excuses. because i am worth it. i am worth every penny he saves to see me, all the time he had to spend to come down and look me up. because i'm worth it.

unfortunately, i let my self worth drown because he made me feel small. maybe because he felt small, so he tried to make me feel like that too. i shouldn't have fallen for that. i shouldn't have allowed him to make me feel that way. but i loved him, and love is blind.

i should've kept my self worth intact. felt big about my self-worth. so maybe he could feel big, too. and if he didn't wanna feel big and still wanted to feel small, i should have left him. and not allowed him to persuade me to stay.

i should have left him. because he didn't want to help himself, because he was avoiding life, because he was avoiding love. and because i deserve better. because i'm worth a whole lot more than half-heartedness.

that was my mistake.

Cold/ Numb

Yeah, I lost myself along the way.

I was foolish.

Now though, all I feel is cold. Numb. No anger. Though he thought that was what I feel. None at all. No despondency. No despair. All I feel is icy brittle coldness. So cold it burns. 

I was afraid to reach this point. It's the point of no return.

Too bad you had to get me here. You should've sat down with me and talk out our differences with me when I begged you to earlier. When I felt us slipping through our fingers and going down the drain.

But you were so afraid of fights, you bashed my ego up instead. Break me down. Turn me into someone I was not: whiny, afraid, even clingy. And I was foolish. I let you. Fuck me.

So now, I've gotta start over. Break me down. Forget about you. Forget about the nightmare that happened by the beach, your name wiped out by the vast, vast sea.

Go back to where I was. So the cold, cold numbness. It's necessary. All you had to do was admit it was partly your fault, too. Too bad that King of the Mountain Ego couldn't let you.

Coldness. Didn't think it'd happen to you, but I guess it finally did.

Faithless

O Woman

I love the way you're so deliberate,

How you light your cigarette

Head on one side as you pull, you look almost regal. 

I'm digging it, on your mobile, one eye closed

Blue smoke curling out your nose

Wearing one of my shirts and what some call panty hose

Cause you look wicked in scanty clothes, 

Long legs like an antelope

You're my antidote to city life, my pretty wife

Hooked up the year before 

Together thirteen outta twenty four

And you would never guess

I wanna miss you less and see you more, 

See you more, see you more, see you more

And when I kiss you I'm never sure

How do I get to miss you less and see you more?

Miss you less, see you more, love to know you better!

Miss you less, see you more, love to know you better!

Miss you less, see you more, love to know you better!

Miss you less, see you more, love to know you better!

I can gauge your mood, from your approach to food

You use ya rude red shoes to accessorize your attitude

Desensitized to my roving eyes, and ready smile

I get loving that's versatile, 

Worth that extra smile lying next to me

Your textured voice whispering, 

I'm listening with my whole skin

Holding onto the moment for all its worth

How could I continue to be the sky without my earth 

And when I kiss you, I'm never sure, 

And when I kiss you, I'm never sure,

And when I kiss you, I'm never sure,

How do I get to miss you less and see you more?

Miss you less, see you more, love to know you better!

Miss you less, see you more, love to know you better!

Miss you less, see you more, love to know you better!

Miss you less, see you more, love to know you better!

~Faithless' Miss U Less, See U More~

Dammit I wanna go for Sister Bliss.....

Lapse

I've some dark secrets that no one knows.

Some dark secrets that I have no one to talk to about. And the ones I share it with, are no longer in my life. Or doesn't want to be. Or is just too insensitive sometimes. Or is just undependable, because they're just self-absorbed like that. Nice when it's convenient for them, rude when it's convenient for them. Oh, who ask you to call me now? I'm not free, of course I can't give you an answer now!

What happened to, "I'll talk to you later?" or "Hang on, call me back in 30 mins?"

What happened to good old-fashioned manners, good old-fashioned class? Or are those just reserved for strangers? While the people closest to you are taken for granted?

I get lapses. Because dark secrets torment you. They make you sleepless. They make you wake in the middle of the night for things that can't be named. They wake you up to cold chills, curled into a ball, hugging your middle, tears down your face. And so I long for company sometimes. Just a physical touch. Human warmth. Just a hug. A cuddle. Simple as that, sometimes.

But it's too expensive a price to pay. A lapse can be the worst thing that can happen to a girl. Especially when everything is still so wrong. When the attention, appreciation and affection is still not there. Or it's just there when it's convenient. That's not how it should be. It's a commitment. Sometimes you make a decision, and you've got to decide to stick it out, no matter what. No matter how angry, how cold, how hateful one feels. If the underlying commitment is there, rash emotions should not matter.

So excuse me, while I leave this behind till I'm ready. While I retreat into my own shell. While I vaporise out of reach and out of touch. 'Cos I can still be found, if one really wants to find me. When almost a heart finally gets a full bleeding heart.

It's pointless saying many things but not doing any of them after all.

Solitude

I've found what I came here for.

In the jungles, hearing the jungle sounds I've missed so much, I realise how much we take the things we love most in life for granted.

The greenery that brings peace into my heart.

The cacophony of jungle noises that moves you to stop and listen, rather than the sounds of busses and cars and other random vehicles during peak hour traffic.

The big fat ant scurrying around with food for the nest.

That dragonfly with purple wings.

The mountain stream. So clear, you can see the rocks at the bottom. So cold, like only mountain stream can be. So sweet to the taste too, no scent of chlorine at all.

How I miss nature. How I miss home. How the hustle-bustle of living in the big city in a concrete jungle has stressed me out beyond belief I haven't been able to think straight.

We all need a break once in awhile. To look after ourselves. To stop and smell the roses. Or the hummus, in this case. How to look after anyone else when we ourselves are a complete mess?

I hiked out to the sea. And oh... it was beautiful. When I reached the hanging bridge over the meromictic lake, I could only pause and take a deep breath. And I took it all in. The huge rocks. The delta. The sea stretching away before me. The lake where seawater and freshwater does not mix. The mangrove trees behind me. The white sand. I was stunned. It was a beauty that went beyond words.

And my heart sang a song. Finally. I laughed. I cried. I wanted to do a little dance :)

So I went to play. Screw the twisted ankle. Let's climb rocks. Oh... let's pick seashells on the seashore. Let's dig our hands deep into the sand and feel the grainy texture of the sand. Remove the sneakers. Feel sand beneath our feet. Feel the rocks. Texture, texture, texture. Lovely texture. Oh! A crab! It's quite a big one! Let's catch it and take it home! :D Oohhh... it's perfectly camouflaged for the sand. If it hadn't moved, we wouldn't have seen it :)

I saw a sea otter. It was amazing. It flopped out to the beach, it's shiny coat gleaming in the hot sun. It stood on it's hind legs and peered out to the beach. I tried getting closer for a closer look, but then it spun around, and flopped right back into the sea. It's an omen. Of what, I don't know, but how often do you see a sea otter? 

I sat on a huge rock boulder, the waves crashing around me. I watched the tide get higher and higher. I watched the waves drown/ bury a rock as the tide gets higher. And yet the fact that there was a rock there is still an interference to the waves, and it affected their pattern.

What lies buried doesn't mean there's no effect... there's always something to learn from nature. I'm sure Newton knows that :)

So I sat on that boulder and watched the waves. Watched and heard them crash around the rocks on which I sat. Watched and heard them crash and lap against the shore. Watched and heard them as they sent sea spray towards me. And I found balance. And peace. I felt so insignificant at that moment. And yet so blessed.

The bottom half of a black bikini floated up along with the waves... The sea takes everything. What are my troubles compared to the lives lost in the tsunami? They seemed to pale so much in comparison, in perspective. And yet, everything works the way they should. Everything has it's place, it's time, it's reason. I'm significant, yet insignificant. Insignificant, yet significant. I have my place here, even if it's lowly. I have my part to play.

So I sat on that boulder and watched the waves. Heard the forest song behind me, and the sea song before me. And the wisdom of the wind and the waves and the forest spoke their ancient wisdom to me, and deep in my heart, I understood. And was glad. And so I opened my mouth and sang His praises out loud: How Great Thou Art! It was apt. It was appropriate.

It was a new year: a new start, a new beginning. 

It was worth it: the long hike there and back. Straining myself to achieve. The initial exhaustive push. Worth every drop of sweat: 1 1/2 hours there. 1 1/2 hours back. It was all worth it.

Old histories would be buried, and even if it has its effects, there's something to learn from it. I did what was right, heeding my intuition and heading out here, twisted ankle and all. It was right to find balance and peace. To be with family. To hear the ancient wisdom whispered to me in nature's call.

Even if my head doesn't understand, my heart of heart does.

**

The Sea Otter as a totem:

Otter is the animal totem associated with the Rest and Cleansing Moon. The otter is one of the most playful animals in the wild.

Otters have warm and active home lives. both parents assist in raising the young who stay with them longer than the young of most wild animals. Otters are ardent companions to each other. A mate will mourn the death of his or her companion.

Because of the otters' exemplary home life, nobility, curiosity, inventiveness, and playfulness, Native people recognized the power of the otter. Some of the most powerful medicine bags in certain tribes were made from the fur of otters. Otter medicine is so strong to some tribes that it is secret until you reach a certain degree of initiation.

Working with otter can teach you about playfulness, nurturing, originality, inventiveness, nobility, curiosity, humanitarianism, companionship, and child rearing.

Native American peoples have long admired the otter as a strong protector of family. The otter is also a powerful symbol of ‘woman medicine’ and female energy. 

Sea otters pups will haul themselves out of the water and 'rest' on their mother's stomach while she floats on her back. Curiosity, empathy, and grace are three more characteristics with which we associate and identify the otter. 

As an animal totem and spirit guide, the otter symbolizes speed and agility. It teaches us that play is an important aspect of life. Watching otters, adults and pups chasing each other and sliding down banks head first, or lying on their backs chirping and chatting to each other, it’s easy to see why they continue to symbolize joy, fun, and mischief wherever we’re lucky enough to observe them.