Laodicea

I had planned to head up North to spend some time with then-bf for Christmas and New Year, although I was afraid last year's New Year incident would repeat itself. Usually I am the one who headed up, as he had too little time to visit me here.

But then our relationship was deteriorating by the time I put in my leave, and by the time tickets were accessible, it was all too late. So I wondered and wondered what to do for my one and a half weeks break, as it was too expensive to go home, too expensive to go anywhere...

And although I love the island, I was lukewarm. I wasn't sure I wanted to bump into him and look at the face that one half of me still loved, while the other half was so disappointed in. The only male face I had touched with my hands since puberty. It was going to be painful.

Looking back, perhaps both of us got lukewarm quickly in the relationship. A typical scenario: What do you want to eat/ do/ go? One would say: Up to you lah. Then the other would reply: No, up to you lah... And the conversation would go on like that. There was little enthusiasm, we were worried about time, about money, about convenience, about what the other thought... we were worried about so many things, we forgot what was important... the other person. Keeping the relationship alive.

Being neither here nor there, it's worse than being fully hot or fully cold. At least then, there was conviction.

So like the many months preceding this, I was lukewarm until I had a strong pull to spend some time alone among some of the things I love the most. Nature. And so many things seem to indicate that I should.

My normally cold-ish brother calling to say: Come, come. A friend saying: Oh, just go. My parents not saying anything when I said I would like to go up North, which was unusual, as my dad is usually very thrifty. His own mother saying: Why don't you just come up anyway?

Then I twisted my ankle... and still, that yearning was there. To hike alone to the relatively untouched beach. To spend some time contemplating my existence here. What am I here for? What was there to learn from all that had happened?

Because still, I don't regret having been with him. He did make me happy, when he could. And in the same way, I don't regret breaking things off. He did make me unhappy too, in his thoughtlessness. It was better to amputate than to let the wounds fester. Amputating would leave the option of grafting from the same, or a new one altogether, or staying that way. Festering wounds may cause septicaemia, and the entire being would die.

Of course, he still doesn't see things that way, but perhaps, in time, and with God's grace, he would be moved to understand.

I was calling everyone I knew yesterday to take me to a doctor, the pain woke me up many times in the night. Some completely ignored me, some were outstation, and finally, a friend came to say hi, and when I asked if she wanted lunch, and I told her what happened, and if she knew a doctor available, she said: I'm going for acupuncture. So I tagged along, had 6 needles stuck into my leg, had low-pulse electricity pumped into me, and it feels slightly better now.

And still, I'm moved to head up North. So I think I shall. I shall make me my medicine first. After all, there are many things I intend to change with how I view life now:

1. To always think and speak the positive. I shall no longer breathe life to negativity, as words can either be a blessing or a curse. My words shall now always be blessings.

2. To encourage myself, and the people around me to always speak and be positive, to be better people.

3. To laugh more, to smile more.

4. To be kinder to myself, and to other people. To be accepting of who I am, and the people that come into my life. To always listen to their stories. Everyone has something to learn from someone.

5. To live life to the full. Carpe diem! To be boiling hot for life, and love. After all, love will come, when life is being lived to the full. And if life is lukewarm, so shall the love be. And thus, in the same way, if life is boiling hot, so shall the love be :)

So yes, 5 things to do which I started yesterday. Why leave for tomorrow what can be done today? :) 

But I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 

So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot, nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth.

~Rev. 3:15,16~