Sunday, November 08, 2009

Emo :P

Excuse the emo post...

This is from a Taiwanese drama based on a true story by the producer Yu Hao Wen: Roseate Love.

梁文音 - 哭過就好了
Rachel Liang - I'll Be Fine After Crying

詞:姚若龍 曲:陳小霞

不喜歡懷疑什麼
Not liking to suspect anything
並不表示我 沒有感受
Doesn't mean that I have no feelings
看你微妙的變化 慢慢不同
Looking at your subtle changes, slowly different
我不是生氣 只是心痛
I'm not angry, just hurt

最討厭被誤會了
Disliking most to be misunderstood
但越解釋越 覺得難過
But the more I explained, the sadder I got
你可以說人會變
You can say that people will change
但不能說 你會這麼做 是我的錯
But cannot say; It was my fault that you would do that

Chorus:

哭過就好了
I'll be fine after crying
傷都會好的
My wounds will heal
這樣相信所以深呼吸著割捨
Thus I believe, so I took a deep breath when letting go
愛是為了擁抱 為了牽手
Love is for embracing, for holding hands
不是為了爭吵 為了調頭
Not for arguing, for turning away

哭過就好了
I'll be fine after crying
痛都會走的
Pain will go away
記憶有限 所以它會淘汰壞的
Memory is limited so it'll eliminate the bad ones
失眠聽歌 想念雖然苦澀
Although it's an agony to lose sleep, listen to music and miss you
還是謝謝你讓我長大了
I still thank you for letting me grow up

越多美好堆疊的過往
The past has more good times piled up
想忘就得推倒更大的悲傷
Deeper sorrows need to be overturned to be forgotten
要找勇氣卻不在口袋或手上
The courage I need to find is not in my pocket or my hand
但它一定在我身上某個地方
But it must be somewhere within me

哭過就好了
I'll be fine after crying
痛都會走的
Pain will go away
記憶有限 所以它會淘汰壞的
Memory is limited so it'll eliminate the bad ones
失眠聽歌 想念雖然苦澀
Although it's an agony to lose sleep, listen to music and miss you
還是謝謝你讓我長大了
I still thank you for letting me grow up

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Whatever....

I haven't been into the kitchen for about 4 months....

And I haven't stepped into it for a good 2 weeks, except to get water, which is right at the kitchen's edge.

Because previously there was a fight about me not cleaning up, me not caring about the house, me being selfish, me not taking out the trash, me not wanting to live in harmony....

Needless to say, I was Very Pissed Off. When I first moved in here, I cleaned not just my room, but the bathroom, the kitchen, the living room. I spent a good few days cleaning the place and making it habitable.

All everyone had to do was just to maintain it.

Of course, at the time, I was in between work, and I was free to do all that.

And naturally, once I started working, I didn't have as much time to clean up all the time.

It is EVERYONE's house, not just mine. And even if I'm the only girl in the house, everyone had a role to play.

Of course, I'm not perfect. No one is... I sometimes leave things in the sink overnight because: a) I forgot about it and b) I don't like to scrub the pans, it ruins them.

But I'll wash up the next morning, I've never left it there more than a night. And I DEFINITELY do not expect any one of them to wash up after me.

But what was said to me was really too much. They made it sound as if I'm a freeloader, and I've never once played my part in the household. That was what made me really really mad.

Twice before, the trash turned into a breeding ground for maggots. And twice it was me who ended up cloroxing the damn kitchen down and cleaning up.

After the quarrel, there was a time I came back from Penang and the entire house was stinking of trash, it was like a dumping ground. So I told one of the main tenants about it, and I said: You know I don't use the kitchen anymore, just as I know you don't either. I'd take it out this once, because if we left it there till tomorrow, it'd start growing maggots.

So I took it out. Even if not a single one of it is my damn trash, and I had actually tried, to avoid misunderstanding and more arguments, to prepare a duty roster for everyone. Needless to say, the roster didn't work either.

Today, after not stepping into the kitchen area for 4 months, after not using a single thing in the place other than the kettle and the sink for water, I walked into the kitchen in broad daylight to do my laundry.

The trash was full to the brim. The trash was stinking..... and they were maggots on the floor. All over the kitchen.

I was accused of not throwing my trash. I was accused of messing up the kitchen. I was accused of not cleaning up. I was accused of not doing my part. I was told to Fuck Off....

They laugh behind my back about my habits. For them, I'm just a useful pest that helps them pay the rent, and it's best that I don't use anything but pay for it anyway.

Now that I haven't contributed to a single trash in that kitchen. I have not even touched a single utensil, including the fridge. I have not made any mess to even clean up in the first place. I have no part to play at all with regards to the kitchen. I have, essentially Fucked Off the kitchen.

I wonder whose trash is that that caused the maggots to be crawling all over the kitchen?

I wonder how long the maggots have been there to start with?

And I wonder who is to be held accountable for it this time?

Me, again?

I'm not going to clean up after them this time around. Honestly, I don't care.

Am I being C.A.L.C.U.L.A.T.I.V.E.? Really? If I am, then I don't know what they are being.

I may be a girl, but I'm not a doormat. And if they are truly men, they should know better than to treat me like one.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Time for Miracles...

Did I mention I think Adam Lambert should've won American Idol?

Well, this is why... from the soundtrack of 2012.

Perhaps it's time for miracles now:

It’s late at night and I can’t sleep
Missing you just runs too deep
Oh I can’t be thinking of your smile
Every kiss you can’t forget
This aching heart ain’t broken yet
Oh God I wish I could make you see
Cause I know this flame isn’t dying
So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cause I ain’t giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cause I ain’t giving up on love
No I ain’t giving up on us

I just want to be with you
Cuz living is so hard to do
When all I know is trapped inside your eyes
The future I cannot forget
This aching heart ain’t broken yet
Oh God I wish I could make you see
Cuz I know this flame isn’t dying
So nothing can stop me from trying

Baby you know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cuz I ain’t giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cause I ain’t giving up on love
No I ain’t giving up on us
Baby can you feel it(feel it)
You know I can hear it(hear it)
So can you feel it feel it….
You know it’s time….
Baby you know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cuz I ain’t giving up on love
You know that
Maybe it’s time for miracles
Cuz I ain’t giving up on love
You know I ain’t giving up on us
You know I ain’t giving up on
Oh I ain’t giving up on us

~Time for Miracles, Performed by: Adam Lambert, Written by: Alain Johannes and Natasha Shneider~

Saturday, October 17, 2009

The Keepers

You may be the keeper of shadows and secrets.... but I'm the keeper of light and truth.

It doesn't matter if I embarrass myself, because for me, it's better embarrassing myself once than for the rest of my life. Which is why I'd go to great lengths to find out if I'm living a lie.

Going off to see nature now. Really need the break. Fed up with all the hypocrisy and the shadows around me here in the city.

At least, nature never lies.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Mornings

It's really nice to wake up to the smell of food wafting up from the kitchen.... :) When I was young, I'd had thought I'd be married by this age :)

Funny how life is... it rarely turns out the way you expect it to.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Vicissitudes

I know the only constant in life is change.... yet if I have not convictions, or principles, I am nothing.

At least, sir, even if we come from opposing viewpoints, you, as a man of convictions and principles, should be able to understand that, or understand that that is common ground between us.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Peace

Wednesday, 23 September 2009. 2059 hours.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. And the reason will reveal itself in due time. Also that things will fall in place when you're ready for it.

Today I ran into someone I haven't 'ran into' for more than 3 years. Yet I was in love with him for 6 years. Funny. We used to 'run into' each other often enough.

I find that it is indeed a blessing to be able to stand tall, look him in the eyes, greet him by name and say 'Hi'. And to find that you don't blubber, or stutter, or blush, or gasp, or feel little butterflies. But that you're calm and at peace with yourself. When asked 'How are you?', you can actually smile and say 'I'm good, thanks.' and mean it, and be able to walk away without looking back. Because you are.

You're comfortable with who you are, where you are and where you're going, and happy with your life in general.

And all you feel when you look at your recently married former heartbreak is a mere slight twinge of nostalgia for the days when you could share a meal and laugh at inane things that strike your fancies, knowing that those days are no more, and not regretting it.

Knowing also that you've known for a pretty long while that he wasn't meant for you, and being alright with that knowledge.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

An Open Letter to that Someone in his life

Hi...

Right now I'm a stranger to you. I wonder if you know about me, just as I do about you. I'm quite certain you do. We have common friends after all. And much as we would like to avoid it, there's always a chance we might end up meeting each other. Whether we like it or not, the world's not that big a place at all. Not enough to completely disappear in forever.

I wonder too, if I should smoke you out. As I know you have questions about me, as much as I do about you.

I know you decided one day, perhaps around the middle of the year, to leave his ghost behind you. I can identify. I've tried doing that to others before him too.

I know there was a point in his life you held on to him most dearly, hoping he'd return your affections, finding it painfully difficult to let go, and never completely doing so, although you knew that it was best for your sanity to do so. I also know that although he tried letting you walk away, it's in his nature to let the world know he feels pain, and because he loves the adulation, it's hard for him to let any female just walk away. Takes nerves of steel and a lot of heart-hardening for a female to do so. Even perhaps ripping a part of your heart out and leaving it behind just so you can find the anger and pain to give you the courage to go. And perhaps you have finally, after so many years, grew the nerves to do so.

I can identify. Perhaps, not fully understand, but identify somewhat. After all, it took me 6 long years to finally put my foolish unrequited love behind me.

Like you, I had fooled myself into believing he loved me. Although it was perhaps merely emotional and physical attraction on his part, and a lot of affection, but nothing more. Like you, I should have perhaps not allowed him to cajole me into crossing a line I had set for myself. Like you, I had fallen victim to my passions, and perhaps, youthful images of romance which, like you, I had tried so hard to hold back and repress.

We were both young and foolish once. We both have had our hearts broken by men we had put our energies and time in, and pinned our hopes and dreams on. We both had a certain image of happiness crumble to dust at our feet, and we have had ourselves to blame while we tried picking them up and trying our darnedest to put them back together, knowing it would be forever scarred and forever changed. We have both grown up much from those days. We have both had our fair share of pain.

So forgive me for intruding into the calm you've tried so hard to find for yourself. I know you've abandoned your thoughts at one place. But those used to writing and needing a space to confide in, no matter if no one knows of it would always return to writing, albeit someplace else. I know that after going from place to place, and abandoning your thoughts here and there, and after trying to cut him out of your life altogether now, you've made a mini-comeback elsewhere. I'm also aware that you'd rather he not know where it is. And I can understand and respect that.

I wonder if I should send this your way. I apologise if this is unwelcome or uncomfortable. But because both he and I would both be moving in new directions, and like you, I'd like to lay some ghosts to rest, myself. Unfortunately, because I know of your relationship with him, although he didn't know to what extent my intuition allowed me insights into the situation, even when he and I were together, you're one of those ghosts. And my intuition also tells me due to his penchant to attempt to keep his secrets close to his chest, because firstly, he forgets, and secondly, in his own warped way, he believes he's shielding me from the harm of knowing too many of his demons, and thirdly, he knows that if I know too many things, I will distrust him. He believes I'm paranoid. And he's right. To a certain extent.

I trust no one. Not even myself. 'Myself' has led me into many a trouble more than once. The only thing I trust are things that are intangible. Like intuition. It's saved my hide many times. Like karma. What goes around comes around. I've seen that happen often enough, and I'm glad for it. Like a higher entity. Call it God. Call it Cosmic Force. Call it Higher Power. It's protected my soul and my physical shell many times.

He's only human. Like myself. Like you. We're fallible. We make errors. I know he's trying to make amends now. For his own sake. I know he realises now that he's let many people and many things and many years and many opportunities pass him by while he struggles to regain his footing and get back into his own game.

Unfortunately, you had to be one of those people used as a form of pawn to help him get back on his feet. I know he didn't mean it to be that way. I know he cared for you very much in his own way. He probably still does. Unfortunately, foolishly, he needed you as a form of emotional crutch, an 'ego-booster' of sorts. He perhaps thought that if you didn't fall in love with him, you'd leave him to his misery faster than any of us could say 'bye'. He wanted affection so badly. Those he wanted thought him friends. In his own way, he probably hoped that one day he could learn to return your love for him too. Unfortunately, he let it go on for so long, by the time he realised he could not love you the way you wanted him to, the damage was done.

He had hurt you deeply and he had no way around it, even if he was genuinely very sorry and guilty about the whole affair. Perhaps that's why although you possibly had a big fat bank account, while he had to fight with me over things as mundane as coming for a visit, he let you siphon off him anyway, even when we were together.

And you possibly felt it was justified, cruelly thinking that since he found some semblance of happiness while you were still wallowing in misery, it was right that he compensated for stringing you along for years. You've probably showed him more than you've shown any other male, and let him see you in ways you'd never allow anyone else to ever see.

I'm sorry. For the hurt he's caused you. For the hurt my being around compounded on you. And for my bringing this up. But I need to know what happened, which I know I may never get from his side of the story, and if my intuition is right. I need to get past this to close that chapter, regardless of where he and I end up. Like you putting him in write-off tray until, perhaps many years later. Or until you find your own happiness.

I told him once, between a male and a female, once deeper emotions are involved, there's no such thing as 'friends'. Not unless both parties have moved on from each other. It's merely an excuse to keep the emotions going, and to stay together, or keep in touch. Nobody is fooled one bit by that excuse. He said nothing at that point. Perhaps because he's got a few 'friends' he's labelled as such, which, his mind, his heart and his gonads are at serious conflict about. I left him to it, though. I've said my piece, and he knows where I stand on that.

We both need closure. But I'm not going to rape your emotions once more. If you'd rather not, I can completely understand.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Jaded

I have a grandfather that had two wives.

An uncle that has at least 4 wives. And he's estranged from at least one of them.

Another uncle that was one of my hometown's first top chartered accountants, and lost everything, including possibly, some of his sanity when his wife, who wasn't very beautiful, and definitely not very educated, upped and left him for another man, taking their children with her. And all his money and assets. He lost everything that day.

I have another uncle who did not really have a love marriage. But who was with my auntie for many years, bringing up 5 children together. In recent years, he hooked up with several Indon girls.

A sister-in-law that is a child of divorced parents. Her father went off with another woman. Her sister is divorced due to an accident the hospital could be sued for.

Sometimes I have nothing to say.

I watch all these around me and can't help feeling disappointed and depressed.

I can't help but lose more and more of that blanket of innocence surrounding me, that fresh romanticism of youth. And watch romance with jaded eyes.

I can't help but feel, sometimes, that I never want to be married.

That I never want to be in any of these situations.

Love marriage. Arranged marriage.

You'd think, at how I've witnessed these situations all my life, at how bitter and angry and spiteful adults can be to one another, that they've never once shared a single intimate moment together. That they've never shared affection with each other. That they've never known companionship, or at least a certain companionable silence. You'd think they were born to hate each other with a loathing so complete, it's all-consuming.

I don't know if I've ever known what true love means. How is it like? Would I know it when I see it? Or am I blinded by other passions? Some people never know it. Some lose it before they realise it was there.

What I do know is this:

Falling in love with someone is a feeling.
Loving someone is a choice.
Staying in love with someone is an effort.

Love. And sex. They're both choices.

We choose to work on what we have.
We choose to stay committed.
We choose to refrain ourselves from being in situations of temptation. Or walking away when we are.
We choose who we stay in love with.

Because nothing lasts forever. Not without effort. Not without choice.

Like sex. There's no such thing as drunken sex. Even when I got so drunk I couldn't remember my evening the next morning, I was told that rather than going home with someone I was dancing with and who was obviously hitting on me, I chose to go to the toilet and call my friends.

After all, one can choose to NOT get so drunk in the first place.

A lot of things are excuses we make up to cover for our shortcomings. Our flaws. Because we know that if we take a clear looking glass that can look into our souls, we'd cringe at the ugliness we see and find in ourselves. The glass is always tinted...

I don't love her anymore.
She is a jealous and obsessive cunt.
She nags too damn much.
She's so freakin' clingy.
She can't bear me sons.
He hardly has time for me.
He works too hard.
The other man sees me while he doesn't look at me anymore.

Excuses. Valid, perhaps. But does s/he know? Was effort made to rekindle the relationship before moving on to infidelity?

If one is in a committed relationship, infidelity is no excuse. The choice was made. You chose who you wanted to be with. Why cheat? Why not just break up so the other party has a chance to find someone who truly loves him or her? At least, someone who treats him/ her better than you do? Better than you'll ever know how to? Or better than you'll ever WANT to?

Infidelity. It's selfishness and irresponsibility to the core.

I can't stomach it. If you chose me to be Queen to your King... then treat me like one. I don't care if you've treated all your previous women like manure strewn all over your garden or flushed down your septic tank. But if you want me in your life, treat me like the Gold heirloom that was preciously passed from generation to generation. Treat me like a respected Partner. Your Equal. Your other Half.

Else why should I stay? I've seen too much. Heard too much. Watched too much.

There's too much heartbreak in this world. And I'd really rather not bring children into a relationship that's fractured. A child born into a family deserves the love of both parents. Not parents at each other's necks. Not one parent who's in love with another woman but stays with one, just because. Children should be spared that kind of heartbreak whenever possible. A child might as well be born to a single loving parent if that were the case.

Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes I'm disappointed with the world.

I don't know what I'd do if put in such a situation. I think, rather than fight for someone who plays games with me and cannot commit wholeheartedly to me, the way I would to him, I think I'd rather turn my heart to ice where he's concerned. Pack up my bags and leave, never to return for the next 20 years or so. If he doesn't love me the way ANY woman should be loved, then it's pointless to stay. Whether or not children are in the picture. I'd rather children witness a quiet divorce than watch their two parents growing to hate each other more and more as each day goes by. Or worse, be indifferent to each other.

I don't know. I had 250 people ask me within the space of half an hour, when is my turn to be married. I wish I could tell them sometimes I really don't feel like I should.

I can see myself more a mother than a wife. A child needs me. A child wants me. A child loves me. A child would never have another mother. Not one that brought him/ her up anyway. A child's love would be unconditional. A child would love me as much as I love him/ her. Return my wholehearted affection with his/ her own.

A child would never love in halves.

Perhaps that's what true love is. Loving in whole.

Does he love me in whole? I hope so. What does the future hold though? Thing is, we don't know.

Friday, July 24, 2009

What's this feeling?

You say it's emotional blackmail.

Maybe you're in denial, maybe it's something that you can't even imagine... but the truth is that it's nothing of the sort... It's what I'm really feeling.

It's that emptiness inside me.

It's that feeling of neglect.

It's that despair engulfing me.

It's loneliness so sharp, it's almost tangible.

It's the feeling I first felt and let fester before I parted ways with you.

Except the last time, it was matched with my anger.

This time around, it's just sadness that I feel. So much sadness, it's like a blanket around me.

I think I'm too tired to get angry anymore.

I guess I finally figured out I can't and I shouldn't bother with anyone who doesn't care to make me feel wanted and needed.

What's this feeling? What's this I'm feeling?

I don't know, really.

Maybe one day, when I open myself up to the world again, and you come across this, you can let me know.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Killing Each Other....

I do get it...

Like my manager, when you're upset, the whole world knows about it. Especially those close to you. I wonder if that's because you have higher expectations of your closed ones. You can't exactly snap at someone you're working with all the time.

You can't help yourself, that's how you are.

And like my manager's friend who happens to be her teammate, it's hard for me to wonder if it's personal.

Unlike my manager, whom to a certain extent, I keep a certain distance from, cos I still do work under her, I can't keep my distance from you.

And maybe that's where the problem lies....

I don't blame you. That's how you are....

Yet when you snap like that, I can't help but wonder if it's personal... cos that's how I am.... I care, I nurture, I try to understand and I can't help but take things to heart at times.

So there's that.

On the one hand there's you. When you get moody, you snap at whoever's near.

And on the other hand, there's me. I foolishly run in to try to fix your wounds even when you bite.

There's you. And there's me.

Is it possible to marry both without us killing each other one day?

Feeling Useless

I guess I only make matters worse for u.

So I guess I should take myself out of the equation.

For everyone's sake. Yours and mine.

It's not helping, missing u like this.

Somehow it seems to hurt us both more.

I've been wondering of late, if between us, we are not meant to be.

So I guess, if this works out, it'll work out.

That's the only thing left to say.

Friday, July 17, 2009

Inevitable Dissonance

What do you look forward to daily?

For me, it was to get on the phone and talk to you.

Because for me, what's the point of being part of two, if I don't look forward to seeing/ speaking to you at the end of each day?

Yet I find that harder and harder to do as the days go by.

I remember once, many moons ago, when you told me that you looked forward to waking up in the morning to talk to me, and the end of each day, to talk to me, too.

I guess.... those were feelings of first bloom.

I wonder when we'd end up being strangers to each other, without us realising that it's already happened....?

I wonder how many twosomes end up drifting apart from one another without realising it, and one day, just waking up to find out that you no longer know the person you're with, who's right next to you... and you wonder if you love them, or you're just too tired of getting back in the game.

I think that's sad. And yet, nowadays I wonder if for some, sometimes that's inevitable.

Monday, July 13, 2009

I don't want to hate....

That's why I want to be alone for awhile.

I don't know what to think and what to feel anymore.

Seriously, I don't know what to do.

I wonder if it's time to let go completely, and just let the river of fate take it's course.

It makes me sad.

It shouldn't be hard.

It shouldn't be forced.

It should be easy, happy, gentle and free.

Why is it this way?

I was at work early today. I couldn't sleep. My eyes were swollen from a whole night's worth of tears.

I had been afraid about my mid-year review. But I did rather well. I achieved 130% of my target revenue. And my bosses seem happy with my work thus far.

So my professional life has been straightened out. Why is my personal one such a mess?

Sunday, July 12, 2009

The Woman in the Mirror

There was a reason we broke up in the first place.

There was more than one.

And those are reasons that I can't ignore.

If they don't go away, we can stand here over and over again, and nothing will change.

So I think... I'm letting these bad vibes go.

Something has to change. Or someone has to.

I guess it's got to start with the woman in the mirror.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Epiphanies

It's been a crazy year...

I've done so many things I never expected I'd be able to do.

In my personal life.

At work.

Day-to-day living.

The things I've done.

It amazes me.

The things I've yet to do.

It excites me.

I guess this is what it means, to be letting go, and to just live.

Live and let live, they say.

And it's exhilarating.

Granted I can't do it all, or take it all in at all times.

But I figure... what's important is that I'm trying.

And ultimately, the journey is as important as the destination. If not more.

Signing off now: Good night.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Upset

Sigh...

I'm still angry. And upset. I guess some things are just irreparable.

Like every kind of relationship, it's a two-way road.

I guess all I can say is that I'm just disappointed by the immaturity he showed.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Pleasantly surprised?

He told me today he quit his job...

I must say I'm quite shocked...

I know he's been saying he wants to quit for awhile already, but the thing is... I wasn't sure if he'd do it.

I wasn't sure if he was just saying it, or if he really meant it.

So when he told me today he handed in his notice, I was quite shocked.

I'm quite glad though... that he finally brought himself to do it.

But at the same time, I'm very worried... because now that that's done... the next step would be: What now?

Friday, June 19, 2009

Tell me what to do... cos I'm not sure if I've already burnt out.

Because I'm just so tired.

I almost broke out in tears today at work.... I felt so overwhelmed.

And then finding out he was gonna break yet another promise. It was just too much for me to bear.

I know he's not going through the best of times, and neither am I.

But at least, I still wanna do what I can do to keep things exclusive, to keep things going.

Perhaps he feels differently, I don't know.

I don't know if this still makes me happy, honestly.

I feel more ambivalent than anything else nowadays.

I still love him, very much so.

Yet.... I'm not sure if things will go as far as I thought they would go 2 years ago.

I know I'm clinging to my career... cos it seems like that's the only seemingly sure thing I've got right now.

Cos although I'd like to count on him... I'm not sure if I could, or if I should. He has his own troubles, too. And I'm not even sure if he knows what he wants yet.

I'm afraid for myself, really. Lately, all I've been feeling very much of is weariness, disappointment and sadness.

I'm burning out fast, if I'm not yet already there. And I don't know what to do anymore... for so many things in my life.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Of dreams and dying. Of dying and waiting. Being fucked over.

i dreamt i died. in a car crash.

and as usual, i wanted to see him, but, as usual, he couldn't make it.

i dreamt i lay dying in the hospital.

i dreamt how i asked for him.

i dreamt i died, waiting for him to appear.

wanting to see him before the crash, wanting to see him while i lay dying, wanting to see him as i drew my last breath.

my timing... it was never good for him. we always were on different time zones.

fuck me, isn't it?

as always, i lay dying. as always, being fucked over.

and the last words he said to me before i died was 'fuck you'. as usual.

i'm so so tired.

can i just disappear for a long long time?

Friday, June 05, 2009

Burnt

woke up today feeling horrible.

been having a series of very disturbing dreams.

went out with a friend for lunch today.

so many of my friends are seriously settling down: buying a house together, planning marriage and children.

the subject of further education came up: am i able to juggle a job and study part-time? perhaps it'd be good. to get my mind off other things.

many have been telling me lately: just move along with your life and do the things u've been meaning to do. leave the country. someone somewhere needs you. something someone someplace would appreciate you, and your talents, and your contributions. good, sound advice, that. yet i keep stalling. perhaps i'm afraid of leaving my comfort zone, too.

as one gets older, and circumtances change, so do one's priorities in life.

and if one waits too long, the opportunity that came along would go, and that door closes on u forever. unless u're lucky. which... i don't think i have much of lately.

i was asked why i looked so lousy. and so out it came. some parts. how business and pleasure just doesn't seem to be giving me a break, lately.

how the pressure's been mounting and i'm cracking from the inside out.

i was asked if i can trust again. and i have no answer.

is it my vibes? that each time a fish gets hauled up, the fishes are always bruised, and the net always ends up almost always irrevocably damaged?

and so the net gets more and more damaged with each new haul.

like me. the trust gets chipped off more and more with each one that passes through.

can i trust again? i don't know. it'd certainly take a lot of effort on both parties. and a lot of patience. and a lot of outward expressions of real, undiluted affection, sharing and caring. 

and not breaking each other's trust for a long, long time. and saying what we mean, as well as meaning what we say. always keeping our word to each other. and yes, a lot of sacrifices on his part as well.

he's been at a place of comfort for so long. i don't know if he can do all that. and i certainly do not wish to strong-arm him into doing what he doesn't want to do. 

and i can understand why he doesn't want to get out of the life he's built around himself. it's frightening to go out there, put urself out there and try again. it can also be discouraging and painful. it takes a lot of courage, a lot of effort, and a lot of tears. i really can't blame him, even if at one point i did.

i suppose that's why i've stopped asking.

i just do what i have to do for myself now. to learn to be just that little bit stronger.

a few nights ago, a friend of his asked me if i could take it, his condition. i can sense the innuendo: if i could live with the knowledge that if we really did get together, i may end up widowed early. we may never have our own children. all the many complications that are certain to turn up.

i have thought of all that. i suppose the only thing i'm asking for is that he seeks real help and do what he has to do to ensure his condition improves: overhaul his entire life. 

at least then, we may have some hope.

yet that's what he may not be willing to do. that may be asking a little too much. i mentioned it once, but he was quiet. so i don't ask anymore.

i did bring up my concerns. i did say i can't imagine being with someone who can't be around very much. and he said he understood.

so many questions... so little answers. things have changed... yet they're all still the same.

i guess i'm different now. i know now that i can't save the world. i can try saving it one soul at a time, but i can't force myself on someone. i can't make the decision for him/ her. 

that realisation frightened me. it means not being in control. it means letting go. it means, to a certain extent, caring a little less. because caring too much for someone also means that someone can hurt u deeply.

such is life.

i'm burnt. and burnt out. and i think, for awhile, at least, i just want to climb up on my rock and be alone.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Doubt as an Element of Faith

I remember talking to a friend in California who had lost touch with his faith in 2007. I remember him telling me about how he doesn't believe in his religion anymore. Although, when he was a lot younger, he used to be almost fanatical about Catholicism. 

I remember, how, as a child, I attended church camps, and one of the visiting priests had, during one Q&A session about our faith, discuss the mysteries of the church, and encouraged us to keep questioning ourselves, because that is the only way to lead us to the truth. It keeps us from getting complacent about our faith. And to avoid taking it for granted.

I remember how, at 16, my father insisted I tutored under a good old La Sallian brother, and how he had encouraged my writing, and allowed me to borrow from his personal library for free, with only one condition, to return them once I was done. And how, he too, indirectly, had encouraged me to learn by questioning.

WHY. Out of the 4W1H, it is the most important question. What Where When Why How. Why is always the most difficult to answer. Yet the most important. Because as what I had learnt from Psychology and Sociology in university, what motivates people is always the most elusive, and the most difficult to understand.

It requires you to get into the person's head, and into the person's shoes, and attempt walking a thousand steps in his shoes to attempt to glean even the most little understanding of what motivates him. And that is usually the most incomprehensible of all. People, in general, hate someone else questioning their motives. Common questions would be:

1. Don't you trust me?
2. Why must you know?
3. Isn't faith enough?
4. Why do you doubt me so?
5. Have a little faith in me, will you?

What most people fail to understand is that trying to find out the motivations of another person is always more painful than accepting the person at face value. It takes more effort. More tears. Because it means delving deeper than what is at the surface, than what is comfortable. What is readily shown to the rest of the world. People generally shy away from what appear to be painful or difficult, and uncomfortable, especially in today's era of self-gratification. No one wants to look like the bad guy.

It is always easier to accept when a person says: I'm like this. I'm just always bad-tempered. 

It's easier to accept that response and just stay at arm's length.

It's harder to ask: 'Why is he bad-tempered?' And to attempt finding out why and risking losing the person's friendship/ risking being yelled at/ etc.

Only if one perseveres, does a person find out that: Oh, he has an illness. He is constantly haemorrhaging. It leaves him tired and ill-tempered all the time. He needs help. He needs understanding.

It just goes to show how the extra effort that was being made can help spur understanding and forge a deeper relationship. How a little doubt can become an element of a deeper faith. The faith being the general goodness of people. That normally people do have a good reason when they're upset.

And yes, the above was a true example.

Like religion, accepting the general misconception that Catholics worship the Mother Mary, could have stopped me from finding out and having a deeper faith. And that doubt in said worship spurred me on to discover that it was not a worship, but a respect for her that started the Hail Marys. That the prayer was not one of worship, but of intercession. It meant: Intercede for me in my prayer to your Son. Help me bring my message to your Son, and to His Holy Father.

I don't claim to know everything about my religion. I'm just a baby in that aspect. But learning through questioning my faith, is a good start to keep me from being lazy.

Like every other aspects of my life, the question WHY has spurred me to greater heights than every other question. Where, When, What, How is easily deduced from most scenarios. But the question WHY is what has spearheaded all the greatest inventions and discoveries of our time.

The greatest example perhaps being: Why does the apple fall straight to the ground from the tree? The discovery of Gravity by Sir Isaac Newton. Which spearheaded many many other great scientific discoveries of the 20th and 21st century. Including space exploration.

The question WHY is what opens up our minds to the bigger possibilities out there. Keeps us from being a lazy bum and generally accepting our lot in life. It spurred the Enlightenment and the Renaissance movement. It started many a Revolution all around the world. It got us out of the Dark Ages.

WHY. I was raised to question. I was trained to ask the question. As a child born to science teachers. As a trained microbiologist and partially trained sonographer. WHY was the most important question.

The cells are not growing. WHY.

The child in the womb has a collapsed lung. WHY.

The question WHY can save relationships and, on an even more important scale, save lives. It's a question I cannot ignore, even if someone close to me dislikes the question the most.

WHY should not be a question that is feared. But one that is respected and cherished as a means to enhance our relationships and our lives. Whether that be our relationship with our parents, our siblings, our friends, our loved ones, our colleagues, nature, or even God. 

It enriches us. Challenges us to be better people. Humbles us as we question OUR OWN motivations. Spurs us to greater heights. Holds us to the ground as much as it exalts us to the sky. Keeps us open to other possibilities. Retains our enthusiasm for the people around us and for life itself.

As President Barack Obama puts it in his speech at Notre Dame: But remember too that the ultimate irony of faith is that it necessarily admits doubt. This doubt should not push us away from our faith. But it should humble us. It should temper our passions, and cause us to be wary of self-righteousness. It should compel us to remain open, and curious, and eager.

His speech was widely touted as one that redefined faith. Yet he wasn't the first man that had tried to tell the world this small kernel of wisdom. The priest at that church camp almost 15 years ago had said the same in less rhetoric terms. So did the good old La Sallian brother. So did Martin Luther, which sparked the revolution in the Catholic church, and sparked the Lutheran/ Presbysterian faith. It's one that wise men over the ages had tried to instill in a stubborn humanity.

But perhaps the radical young President's were the most rhetoric (as he is famous for), the most radical (for a country as secretly conservative, traditionalist, egotistical, selfish and narrow-minded as the United States of America) and the most unexpected. It was also perhaps, the most widely aired, and the most far-reaching, as most of the world is still running on the fever that is Obamamania. That may not be a bad thing. The young President may be shrewd and wise enough to utilise his high publicity to try and give the world a new perspective on the relationship between doubt and faith. And the great importance of the word WHY.

It may be what the US of A, and the rest of the world needs after all. Redefining Faith. Understanding the importance of the word WHY. Perhaps we would all start asking ourselves the most important question of all.

1. Why am I afraid?
2. Why am I behaving this way?
3. Why do I feel this way?
4. Why am I at this job?
5. Why am I with this person?
6. Why am I in this country?
7. Why am I limitting myself?
8. Why are we waging a war on terror?
9. Why do we call this the World Cup when it's only USA?
10. Why are we still polluting the earth?

and so it goes.

Doubt as an element of faith.... WHY do you think I am always questioning myself? And you?

Saturday, May 16, 2009

The Rule of Nemesis

If even lawyers are protesting against how the law is being conducted.... something is very very wrong...

Nemesis' hands would be running through the land and drawing blood... because justice must be meted out, and one cannot be up for too long.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

And so it is

"It's peculiar and unnerving in a way to see so many young people walking around with cellphones and iPods in their ears and so wrapped up in media and video games. It robs them of their self-identity. It’s a shame to see them so tuned out to real life" — Bob Dylan to Rolling Stone

When we don't even know who we are, we wouldn't know where we are coming from or where we are going.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Hope

Perhaps there's hope yet.

The unexpected turn of events in the Land of the Pomelo and Pomelo Girls surprise me.

Which is worrisome, in a way. Have we come to such a low level of disconsolate apathy, despair and cynicism that when the law actually did the right thing, we're surprised?

It does shine a tiny sliver of hope, though... and given the recent events in the country, in my work, and in my life... a little bit of hope is much cause of rejoicing.

Although, at the back of my mind... as usual, out of sheer habit, is very, very wary.

And that's worrisome too... have I built such a wall around myself and my mind that I can't throw caution to the wind and rejoice with no-holds-barred?

I wish I were 16 again... and I could revel in such a manner.

Well, let's hope and pray for the state of the nation.

Things may get ugly henceforth.

Then again, nothing in life worth having comes easy.

Looking Glass

I bring it all to the arena - mud-slinging and all. You hide behind your pain and swipe when no one's looking.

We deal with conflict and communication differently.

Does that drive a wedge?

I can't promise that it's never gonna rain. I know for a fact that we would be getting typhoons and torrential downpours from time to time.

All I can promise is that if I'm committed, come hell or high water, I'll stand by you. Despite the typhoons. Despite the downpours. Despite the blazing heat.

My concern is whether you share the same level of commitment. Would you stay true, or would you run to others' waiting arms or have a Scott Summers - Emma Frost thing the moment the tide waters come crashing to the shore?

Because you know you wouldn't be able to live with that thought either.... knowing that you're dispensable to the one person that matters.

Between two people... all the pinnacles of your life matters more with the other person around. He's the person you want beside you when your dreams come true, he's the person you want to hold when the hopes come crashing down.

But when you see the expectations you share with him explodes in your face in smithereens... what then? 

And that's the million dollar question only you can answer.

Friday, May 01, 2009

Dying Embers

Dear Lily,

Show me how. Give me strength.

Because the blood is running cold. And the juice is running out. And time is against me.

And there's no one to turn to. Not anymore.

So help me if you can.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Lost

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

I'm glad...

that the two hills have arisen... and the coalition is sliding down the slope fast...

but not fast enough, imho... still, it's better than nothing...

this place is quickly going up in flames, and I'm not sure where to turn for comfort...

Question

I guess... what I want to know is... have I made any difference at all in your life?

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Angels On The Moon

A friend sent this song my way today...



Do you dream, that the world will know your name?
So tell me your name (tell me your name)
Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all? (or anything at all)
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel (I wanna feel)
I wanna a sunburn, just to know that I'm alive
To know I'm alive (to know I'm alive)

Don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

Do you believe, in the day that you were born?
Tell me, do you believe? (do you believe)
And do you know, that every day's 
The first of the rest of your life?

Don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

This is to one last day in the shadows
And to know a brother's love
This is to New York City angels
And the rivers of our blood
This is to all of us, to all of us

So don't tell me if I'm dying, 'cause I don't wanna know
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon

Yeah, you can tell me all your thoughts
'Bout the stars that fill polluted skies
And show me where you run to
When no one's left to take your side
But don't tell me where the road ends
'Cause I just don't wanna know, 
No I don't wanna know

Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying
Don't tell me if I'm dying

~Thriving Ivory's Angels On The Moon~

The Dragonflies are here again....

For some reason, I found myself almost back to where I was 2 years ago...

I'm working till 9-10pm again.

I found the old playlist I used to listen to in IA.

I'm alone again.

It's as though things came full circle.

Except I'm in a new company. And I've had my heart given a little bit of hope, then thrown into a liquid nitrogen-filled grinder, made more brittle than ice, and then crushed to powder.

And I'm even writing on little pieces of paper again. Lest I forget who I am, what I thought, and what I wanted to say.

Even the dragonflies are showing themselves to me again.

And what I'm feeling is bittersweet...

He was almost always too busy for me... it felt even more so when I was feeling really down, and/ or stressed and/ or sick. It came to a point where sometimes I wouldn't even tell him, cos it wasn't going to make any difference anyhow.

And despite all his many proclamations of devotion and romanticism, I've been left bare... and cold...

Too many empty promises... and too many impatient cries of, 'have some patience'.

Too much heartbreak all over the place, while I'm left empty and cold and fragile inside.

Too much frustration and despair, after every major fight, or cold war, while he scrolls his mental Rodolex on to 'Next'. Yes, I could do the same, but I didn't want to.

Too much crying myself to sleep, while he turns to and..... chats with the elaines and the maries and the next cutesy almond-eyed chinadoll thingamabobs with the what are you doings and/ or the what are you wearings and/ or the where are you nows and the you're looking goods.... while i'm huddled alone in my sleep, getting colder and emptier on the inside....

Listening to my friend talk about her relationship and her marriage made me sad...

Reflecting on what I had been, made me sadder still... am I to only be the emotional crutch while he brings his dreams and hopes and smiles and laughter and warmth elsewhere?

And when they're done, I'm always there. 

And he talks to them who's never known me, who's never really known our story, who never bore witness to the sudden beginning and to the painful end, and all they think I am is the girl who's... ALWAYS THERE.

I've always been there. Through the sadness, through the frustration, through the despair, through the depression, through the bad dreams, through the illnesses.

I've always been there. Battered, bruised, cut wide open. Pulverised.

I built myself up. So I could always be there.

I've always been there.

Yes, in his own way he loves me. But perhaps, we have such irreconcilable differences when it comes to our ideas of love and relationships.

Things may have come full circle. But nothing will ever be the same again. Not after all of these.


The dragonflies... they show themselves to me again. Perhaps it's an omen.

Perhaps there's hope and redemption for me in a fresh new start away from here.

Monday, April 06, 2009

In Emily

We were talking, a few friends and I.

And somehow, the discussion led to love and marriage and sex.

Then one of them gave me thought...

For those who've never truly been in love, perhaps it's hard to fathom, much less to swallow.

Why would anyone, if there were major grouses, want to get married to their partner?

If he brags he's all romantic, but he's never done anything truly worthwhile that points to that direction at all, after many moons of being together?

If he's thoughtless and always forgetful, why bother?

If sex with him is not that great after all, then why?

Are there ever any real answers to love and relationships?

At least she knows he's too goody-two-shoes he wouldn't look at another. And I was quiet. I have no response about that.

I wonder why we go on when things seem so futile, so fruitless. When many times, the frustration and despair seem to completely overwhelm. When we wish we could harden our hearts and just walk away without looking back.

So why do we trudge along when there doesn't seem to be a light at the end of the tunnel? Are we to bump blindly in the dark for eternity?

She said so herself, it didn't get better after marriage. 

I look at her, and I wonder what strength she has to have married him. To still want to try. 

Do I have that?

Sunday, April 05, 2009

The Words in My Head

She speaks as though she spoke the words in my own head.

I suppose it takes a certain amount of a certain type of experience to be able to know how it truly feels like....Thank you, stranger.

I Hear You..

I learned early this morning that,
When what you really want is clear and apparent to you,
You will go out to achieve it, inevitably - especially,
When success is almost there; but not quite,
The hunger of want drives you into action.

I also learned that happiness is my own responsibility,
Pushed independence and lack of empathy only pushes me away,
Neither here or there,
Like words unsaid is not necessarily buried or explained,
Evolving into strange thoughts in my head.

Pain only hardens my heart,
Silence doesn't mean it's solved,
Loneliness and all things bittersweet make me my own,
When waiting is the hardest thing,
Isolation where there should be oneness.

I also learned that familiarity makes one feel more at home,
Though experience should never be compared,
Cause matters of the heart is always complicated:
It takes years to build a strong foundation,
One word to bring it all crashing down.

External wounds close up, sometimes leaving a scar,
Internal wounds cuts deep, leaving a hole,
Only time can tell, only time can heal,
Give, give, give until you are the desert,
Give because the taking doesn't seem to stop.

But when you give freely, you shouldn't expect,
Even when you shouldn't, it is only human,
If not an ear, a grace giving heart?
Wisdom to understand? To be on common ground at least?
Compromise maybe?

To love or not to love,
To guard protectively or let go,
To be silly and young, because it keeps you alive,
Bite your tongue to save a few,
Spew justifications to etch your own.

I wish to listen without emotion,
Cause only then I really hear you,
Without condemnation, hurling of hurts,
Without solutions, just being there, just sharing the intimacy,
A place to vent, cry, lean on, be comforted and be filled with hope....

If I can't.... God can.