Songs from my childhood: I see the moon... and the moon sees me

I said I wanted an herb garden... and he thought I had said I wanted a rose garden.

Which brought me back to a song my mother liked to sing to me when she was making her delicious dinners in the kitchen. I can't remember all the lyrics, but some of the melody. I do remember this, though:

I beg your pardon...
I never promised you a rose garden..
Along with the sunshine..
You gotta have a little rain sometime...

And as usual with my memory by association, I moved on to:

10 green bottles, hanging on the wall,
10 green bottles, hanging on the wall,
and if one green bottle,
should accidentally faaaalllllllll...........
there'd be 9 green bottles hanging on the wall...

:P great way to teach kiddies subtraction... I remember we used to sing nursery rhymes and children's songs in primary school too. LOL! Malay AND English..

How about: Burung kakak tua... (can't remember the rest :P)

Then, moving on to one of my faves. Mom used to sing this to me when we went on moonlit walks together around the neighbourhood. I had only remembered the first few lines, and as usual, being obsessive-compulsive, had to find out the rest. Here's the version I remembered:

I see the moon and the moon sees me
Down thru the leaves of the old oak tree,
Please let the light that shines on me
Shine on the one I love.

Chorus:
Over the mountains and over the sea
Back where my heart is yearning to be
Please let the light that shines on me
Shine on the one I love.

I hear the lark and the lark hears me
Singing a song with a memory
Please let the lark that sings to me
Sing to the one I love.

Repeat chorus

I kiss the rose and the rose kisses me
Fragrant as only a rose can be
Please take the kiss that comforts me
Back to the one I love.

Repeat chorus

I see the moon and the moon sees me
The moon sees the one that I long to see
God bless the moon and God bless me
God bless the one I long to see.

Repeat chorus

I do believe that God up above
Created you for me to love
He picked you out from all the rest
Because he knew I'd love you best.

Repeat chorus

If I get to heaven and you're not there
I'll write your name on a golden stair
I'll write it big so all the angels see
Just how very much you mean to me.

My parents were great with nursery rhymes and children's songs.

How can I say no?!

If it's raining Regency men like these.... how can I say no?! And yeah, Brit actors over American any day.... how to compare? Alan Rickman, Sean Connery, Colin Firth, Jude Law, Clive Owen? Yuummmmmm.....

Request for Petition

I'm calling all Malaysians, within AND with-out of this country, to please sign this petition.

Let's be a people of action, and not just of hot air.

I know I've left my blog unattended/ neglected from time to time, and perhaps not many readers are left from the old days on LiveJournal, or 2005, but for the love of God and country, whichever of you still reads this, I hope you're no longer apathetic to the state of this country. Every person counts, every vote matters, every signature plays a part.

Therefore, I urge you to sign this petition. I have.

Thanks very much!

http://www.petitiononline.com/6ai18u26/petition.html

The Skywalker

Congratulations on your physical and moral victory, Anwarkin Skywalker... I believe it is long due.

It's been raining the past week or so, probably symbolic in cleansing away the dirty hate and favouritism of this country.

While this morning, the warm sunshine fills this land, and we awake to the smell of fresh air, morning dew and warm sunshine. Let's hope this is an omen of better things to come under your care.

Well, the Sky is your limit now. We, as a People have allowed you to walk the skies in your victory.

We're drunk on your promise of One People, One Nation.

Your passionate cry of: "Anak Melayu, anak kita; Anak Cina, anak kita; Anak India, pun anak kita. Mengapa harus kita bezakan?" rings in our ears long after it's gone. It has moved us- to tears and to action.

Your words are to us, of almost equal significance and importance as Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" to African-Americans of the States.

And so, I can only hope that you deliver on your promises for change.

After 50 years of continuing regression into racial segregation, we're hoping that after our Golden Jubilee as a Nation, we'd be able to start mending the rifts. And so, we, as a new generation, have decided to vote for change.

And thus, we hand you our hopes, our happiness, our livelihood and our country on not just a silver platter, but a golden platter, exactly a decade after your fall from grace, and right before we begin the next 50 years chapter of our country.

We can only hope Anwarkin Skywalker does not turn into Darth Vader and leave a melee of destruction in his wake: just because he can.

My Empire of Dirt

Sunday, 24.08.2008. 0204 hours

My Empire of Dirt

Why do I sometimes despair so?

K asked me out tonight, and I just couldn't say no, tired as I was, lacking sleep as I was, imploding as I was.

The four walls were stifling me. We hadn't talked for awhile, and I just had to get things off my chest. Things I could tell only a handful of people. Things I just couldn't tell you or it'd send us both hurtling into a hopeless spiralling melange of emotions. And when things can't be solved face to face, we'd end up both lying in bed thinking wtf.

Well, I know I do.

The bad dreams do not help either. It's not just insecurity I feel. It's insecurity tinged with a certain amount of resignation.

I try to push all of these aside, but when figures of the past come out of the woodwork and stand tall, I can only feel so small.

Is this delirium?

The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
What have I become?

Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears

You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become?

You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

~excerpt: Nine Inch Nails- Hurt~

Sigh...

Everytime I see you falling....

It's been a long long time since I felt like this. Well, maybe not that long. A year, perhaps?

I feel like turning off my phone, rid myself of all communication, take a long long drive somewhere away from people and just watch the sea. Or the mountains. Or the rivers.

Maybe even take a flight back to my hometown, just to sleep in my own bed. And watch the rambutan tree outside, with the carefree birds chirping in it. But then again, my parents would question me.

And what is there for me to say?

I feel sad. And torn. I wonder why so many things elude me. And opening up the gates to past experiences also mean reopening old wounds. And the resignation that comes with it.

And not being able to speak out about things that matter to the one that matters just adds to the resignation that I may have to choose solitude after all.

It's been raining more on than off for the past 2 days. Most days I love the rain. I do too, today. But it's also not helping with the mood. The heavy rain just feels like sorrow.

Spoke to spuddie the other day. And it felt good to talk to someone who understands without having to say much. Perhaps because it's been there done that for spud.

Sigh.

Why can't things be just a little simpler? For once? Too many trials by fire would have one combust sooner or later.

Every time I see you falling
I get down on my knees and pray
I'm waiting for that final moment
You say the words that I can't say

New Order -- Bizarre Love Triangle

Don't ask me why but I've always loved this song.

It's been so long since I've last blogged... well, long for me, at least. Had quite a few things to write about, but never did find the time.

I had intention to write about the Permatang Pauh by-election, but after reading this man's blog, I figured, I'd just endorse it here :)

Read, and be moved. For a country that has roots in constitutional monarchy, we should probably be proclaiming: Le Roi, La Loi, La Liberte!

But being an idealist, I much prefer Dupont's words in Revue Republicaine: "Any man aspires to liberty, to equality, but he can not achieve it without the assistance of other men, without fraternity"

So here's Haris Ibrahim's 'Dear Anwar'

BY HARIS IBRAHIM (http://harismibrahim.wordpress.com/2008/08/18/dear-anwar/)


Dear Anwar.


I write to you as one anak Bangsa Malaysia to another.

My friends and I were pleased to read in the Malaysiakini report of 14th August that you have forgiven your enemies for what they have done to you over the last ten years, but that you will never forget what they have done to you.

It is good that you have found it in your heart to forgive them, for otherwise you will end up bitter and vindictive like a certain 'past the shelf-life' politician who just simply refuses to fade away.

No, you don't want to carry bitterness within you.

And indeed you must never forget, for it is the remembrance of what you have gone through that will serve you well in two ways.

One, to never do to others or allow to be done by others what has been inflicted upon you.

Two, so that you will not allow those who have wronged you the opportunity to do again what they have done to you before.

My sister, I like Chopin, has asked me to tell you that she has forgiven you your 16 years of involvement, at least by association and failure to dissociate, with the autocratic, dictatorial, corrupt Mahathir administration.

Yes, most of my friends and I, like my sister, have long forgiven you for your involvement in the atrocities committed by Mahathir during his reign of destruction and pillage, even if only by association and your failure to dissociate with his regime.

But like you, we, too, have not forgotten.

Just as remembrance will serve you well, so too us.

Will we ever forget?

I cannot speak for the others, but for me, I think that is really up to you.

Before I proceed further, so as to lessen the hurt, if any, of what I am about to say, let me first say that whilst I have the highest regard for YB Lim Kit Siang and YB Lim Guan Eng, yet in the matter of the politics and governance of this nation, I do not trust them implicitly and without question, because they are politicians and 50 years of BN politics has delivered a hard and painful lesson to many of us.

Don't trust politicians completely.

Many times last year, I wrote in this blog that I wished you would give me a reason to trust you.

Whilst I have to be frank and tell you that I still do not trust you, three things have persuaded me to 'take a chance'.

First, and this is the only rational factor of the three, this nation needs to be rid of the racist, divide and rule politics of BN. UMNO will not change, and the other component parties have shown themselves to be helplessly subservient to UMNO.

You and your party leaders, together with the leaders of DAP, have been taking policy positions or making policy statements that, by far and large, seem to be in line with the aspirations of the people.

I say 'seem' because much still remains to be seen.

I had actually wanted to say all the Pakatan leaders but, truly, PAS has been giving us some serious concerns of late.

The second and the third factors are, in truth, 'gut' reactions.

Raja Petra wrote a series to remind us of the Royal Commission of Inquiry into your 'black eye' beating at the hands of the former IGP.

My eyes teared when I read your testimony about the beating you received and the day after, the condition you were in, and the refusal by the police to afford you treatment.

Yes, I still think you owe the nation an apology for your 16 years in the Mahathir administration.

We, too, as a nation, though, owe you and your family an apology, for all that you and your family have been through these last 10 years.

I am sorry.

Then, on 5th August, I heard you deliver your ceramah in Bentong, Pahang.

I have attended many of your ceramah but, quite frankly, this was the first time that I heard you speak with humility, particularly your appeal to any who might feel inclined to go to Permatang Pauh to help in your election campaign.

What particularly touched me and my family who were present, something that has also got the mention of G. Krishnan in his blog today, was when you said :

"Anak Melayu, anak kita, anak Cina anak kita, anak India, pun anak kita. Mengapa harus kita bezakan?"

Succinctly, you had articulated that which I have felt for such a long, long time and which, without more, sums up the spirit of anak Bangsa Malaysia that I hope one day will be definitive of us as a people of this nation.

It is this last matter that I have mentioned, irrational as it may seem to many, that has most moved me to 'take a chance'.

A word of advice.

Don't make the mistakes of Pak Lah.

You have made us many pledges and promises.

I quote you from the Malaysiakini report mentioned above :

"But how do you run a government and affect changes, move forward - we need a new Malaysian awareness, we need unity of all races, we need a new vibrant economy, we need to reform the judiciary and bring back confidence in a more professional police force - if you get yourself engrossed with the past?…If it (involves) 2,000 acres and two billion ringgit - it's just not my right to forgive, they have to return the money. But otherwise, we cannot afford to drag the entire country back to the past."

Keep your promises to us.

Where we can recover the nation's wealth that has been stolen, we must.

You must not do favours for anyone from the past by interfering with our law enforcement authorities.

Restore what is rightfully due to the rakyat.

On Black 14, I heard you use the phrase 'Ketuanan Rakyat' for the first time.

Do not waver from this.

End race politics.

End the politicisation of Islam.

You must be brave enough to tell the Malays that this country belongs to all the anak-anak Bangsa Malaysia, to remind the Malays again and again that UMNO's ketuanan Melayu is unIslamic and has been their evil tool to enrich themselves and divide this nation.

Do this, and be assured of the strongest support from the majority of anak-anak Bangsa Malaysia who, by far and large, are decent people.

In the run-up to the 12th GE, the rakyat launched an aspirational document called the 'People's Declaration'.

All the Pakatan parties, including yours, indorsed this document.

We took your indorsement seriously and for that reason went all out to work to get the votes for the Barisan Rakyat parties at the last general election.

We will hold you to that indorsement.

A final reminder.

The rakyat today are not like that of 16 years ago.

We understand national issues better, we are better informed, and we have a greater sense of commitment to the ideals of justice and equality.

And we have a newly found self-belief to pursue these ideals and to pursue change.

Understand and remember that we are no longer afraid.

We fully understand today that governance of this nation was intended to be in the hands of the people, and that when you and your party leaders offer to govern, it is with a view to serve us.

Therefore, understand and remember that it is we, the rakyat, who govern through those who have taken oath to serve us.

It is only by abiding by that oath that you might honourably be called a leader of men.

Any less and you would have proven yourself to be no better than those whom you now endeavour to displace.

In the run-up to polling day on the 26th, my friends and I will be in Permatang Pauh to help you in any way we can.

By God's Grace, you will soon be returned to Parliament. May He also continue to bestow you with wisdom and courage to discharge you duties faithfully.

Posted by Haris Ibrahim Filed in Taking back our country

this is from 101 things every man should know how to do

... and it's fucking funny.

don't ask me why, but i'm one of those chicks who reads guys mags and books written for men and am very entertained by them. although, i also read trashy romance novels that has lines like: as he parted her lips with gentle precision, tenderly licking their tender, moist parting back and forth with firm, gentle strokes, determined to get into her inner sanctum, she moaned and whimpered softly, melting and yielding to his expert caresses.

yep, i just made that one up :P maybe next time i'll write a 12 page long one on just french kissing alone. just for fucks :P

anyway, here goes. laugh out loud. this IS funny, k? i wish i coulda printed this list and put it on the table of someone i formerly worked for who was insufferable, though. he could do with a lesson (or a dozen) on how to impress women. 'nuff said. :D

15 Ways to Your Woman's Heart....and Bed
Author: teresa1699
Word count: 832
Note: These are not in any particular order of importance.

1. Power tools are your friends. So is your woman's vibrator. Do not be intimidated if she knows more about both than you do.

2. Speak more than one language. Note to all men: Sports lingo does not qualify as a second language.

3. Laundry: Do not underestimate the sexiness of a man who can speak eloquently about Tide vs. All. Show me a man who can sort, wash , fold and put away in the correct locations and I will show you a man who gets laid , a lot.

4. Trim that hair (and we are not talking about facial hair). Back hair is a no-no. If we want to see Darwin's missing link in action, we will visit the Museum of Natural History. Trimming your nether regions is highly recommended. We don't like hair in our teeth either.

5. Autos: There is something undeniably sexy about a man who knows his way around an engine. Maybe it's the attention to detail , maybe it's a great ass bent over a hood of a car, whatever the appeal, a man that knows cars seems like he wouldn't mind spending a little extra time under your, um..... hood.

6. We do not want to be your mother. Especially if we have children with you. We want an equal partnership. We understand that it varies day to day on who does more. As long as the balance shifts in an appreciable way, we are happy. We hate to nag, really. Yes, we like to take care of you, we also like to have sex with you. (If this reminds you of your mother, I can recommend a great book. It's got this guy named Oedipus in it.)

7. Know how to give a massage: A massage should not just be foreplay. A massage is one of the most singly unselfish acts that a person can do for another. Granted, massage can lead to great sex because knowing that your partner is doing something solely for your benefit can be a turn-on and we just might feel like reciprocating.

8. Kids: How to narrow this down. First and foremost, you do not babysit your children. I have heard countless dads say that they are babysitting their kids. Have you ever heard a woman spew this nonsense? Second, diaper changing is not the sole domain of mothers. There is not a female gene that makes cleaning up poop any more palatable to us than to a male. Thirdly, with older children, cereal and chicken fingers are not a food group. Know how to feed your kids healthy stuff.

9. Guns: Owning one is a personal choice, but there is a reason Bruce Willis is still popular. A man that knows how to handle a gun seems in control and that he could keep you safe if need be. And deep down, women like men who kick the bad guy's ass.

10. Bugs: Killing bugs is a man's job. Period. We might even let you skip doing the dishes tonight if you will just kill whatever is scurrying across the floor, because while we might be able to handle the frogs, killing a cockroach and picking up its squirming body is just too much.

11. Gifts: Pick your own. Your secretary is not sleeping with your wife, has not watched her push something the size of a cantalope out of something the size of a kumquat when your firstborn came into the world, so why is she deciding what to get your wife? In theory, you should know us better than anyone else. We will be happy with almost anything you pick out for us, but stay away from appliances. Unless we have specifically asked for a vacuum, don't bring home a Dyson, because that vacuum will the the only sucking action going on in your house for weeks to come.

12. Directions: Why is it such a hardship for men to ask for directions? Are you scared of looking stupid in front of us? I guarantee that driving around lost for hours and refusing to ask for help is what makes you look an imbecile.

13. Tits: Know how to tell fake ones from real ones. What is the appeal of silicone boobs anyway? Imagine if men had silicone penises. Wouldn't the guy with the real 10 inch penis feel a little irritated that the fake penis was getting all the attention? We kind of feel the same way when it comes to boobs.

14. Cooking/Food/Wine: Food is a very sensual thing in a lot of ways. It involves all your senses, from the presentation to the scent to the texture of the meal. A man who can cook or appreciates good wine and a good meal is someone who likes to engage all their senses and that is a very good thing in bed.

15. Know your limitations: Every man has a talent. It could be dancing, it could be taxidermy, it could be cooking. If you aren't good at something, don't pretend to be. If you can't dance or sing , a career on Broadway is probably out. Be confident in your abilities but not arrogant in your limitations. Besides I can't remember ever seeing a tap-dancing taxidermist on Hell's Kitchen , can you?

strange happenings and appetite

what do i want to say here today?

lots apparently, except there's just too much to pen down.

it's been terribly busy at work, and things seem to be falling apart at the seams.

saturday night/ sunday morning was just downright freaky. and the terror seemed so palpably real. feeling like i got paralysed from the waist down on sunday afternoon felt all the more frightening.

i'm left wondering: what the hell is going on? and i have absolutely no answers.

thank god for the moments in between of meeting up with some friends to cheer me up.

at least the wedding was fun. and it was good to see hilarious self-deprecating penangites again. that kinda humour is rather rare in this big bad city. the longer one stays here, it seems the crueler one's sense of humour... or one loses it altogether. being down to earth is part art and part science, apparently.

he dropped me a bomb too. apparently i'm supposed to cook come october. yes, anyone of u who reads this and knows who i'm talking about, feel free to abuse him if you see him. :P i'm panicking here!!!!! i haven't cooked properly in at least 2 years, since the older brother left for penang. and that dish is freaking tedious! gah!

over the past one week, i've been told i inhaled my food three times. and i was introduced to new people three times by the title i believe i'm gonna be stuck with for a long long time. comments made over the week over my appetite:

Sunday, after church, to a friend's niece's newest toyboy:
she vacuums her food up... watch her go.. go... goooo!!!!
Reaction of poor fella: *inches away slowly from me*

*sniffs... i ho hurts ar!*

Tuesday, after trekking up to an area i detest to help a friend haggle over prices cos she can't bloody bargain even if her life depended on it, and she was inclined to buy me dinner as a result... trust me, the foochow side of her was definitely cringing in pure horror just to make that offer.

Over dinner, after i begged to order the large plate cos i was so darn hungry, and i've gone through more than half of it, while she barely reached one-third of hers:
did you just fucking inhale your food?! *very loudly*

my reaction: O.O I'm HUNGRYYYY!!!!

Thursday, when the pipe-cleaner-soap-picker came back from some godforsaken corner of the universe and asked us out for yumchar... and i ordered a plate of nasi lemak cos it was 9pm and i haven't had dinner:
wahhhhh!!!!! you breathe in your food ar!!!!
in front of complete strangers to boot.... after making certain 18SX comments about what transpired when they picked me up.

my reaction: O.O I'm HUNGRRRRYYYYYY!!!!! NO, you're NOT touching my ikan bilis!!!! RAWR!!! (:P) and shut up already! i don't know these ppl!!!!

*sniffs* who needs enemies with friends like these?

Sunday, after meeting a bunch of CGL girls... for the first time, apart from long-haired Serani chick. the girls went out for a nicotine break, leaving just me, and two others at the table. the roasted chicken dish came, and it tasted bloody good... when they came back, the girl sitting next to me demanded:
did you finish the whole chicken by yourself?!

my reaction: *gulps* NO!! there! there's half a chicken there!

so you finished HALF a chicken by yourself?

my reaction: errrrr...... there's half a chicken for you stilll........

:P i think i got my appetite back..... aiyooo... c'mon.... i was on porridge and plain food for the past 3 weeks......

:D it's nice to get my appetite back.... AND FUCK YOU ALL LAAAA... SO I LOVE MY FOOD :P

Kate & Leopold: The Myth and The Rainbow

I watched Kate and Leopold again.

Now I need to go Clorox me bwains.

And it's bittersweet. Because life's like that.... without the fairytale ending.

Meg Ryan, is, as usual, the queen of romantic comedies.

Here however, is the funniest thing I remembered from the movie:

Roebling: Behold, rising before you, the greatest erection on the continent... the greatest erection of the age... the greatest erection on the planet!

:P

And this, is cool:
Roebling: Time. Time, it has been proposed, is the fourth dimension. And yet, for mortal man, time has no dimension at all. We are like horses with blinders, seeing only what lies before us. Forever guessing the future and fabricating the past.

But oh.. it's supposed to be romantic, so here is some mushymushy stuff:

On the sadness of The Myth:
Kate: I'm not very good with men.
Leopold: Perhaps you haven't found the right one.
Kate: Maybe. Or, uh... maybe that whole love thing is just a grown-up version of Santa Claus; just a myth we've been fed since childhood. So, we keep buying magazines, joining clubs, and doing therapy and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages all in a pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney.

*sniffs sniffs* I can so identify.....

On finding The Rainbow:
Kate: And... it's a great thing to get what you want. It's a really good thing unless what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted... because what you really wanted you couldn't imagine or you didn't think it was possible but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking- they just knew... like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn't have to take a poll and they loved you... but you hesitated and I... uh... I have to go... I'm sorry but... I have to go!

Bah.... :P I need to go rest my eyes... after lusting after the very suave, very handsome, totally screwable, men-arent-made-like-this-anymore Hugh Jackman.

Lonely In Gorgeous

At twelve I run out
And kick the door
My glass shoe breaks
And my dress has ripped

You're disgusted, aren't you?
You don't even come after me
My tears overflow and I can't run anymore

This might be jealousy...it's sad...!!

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party night...I'm Breaking my heart
I want you to find me right now and hold me tight

The headlights shine
...where are you Bad boy?
Wipe away my tears with the scarf of love
I can't see anything

I want to gather stardust
And throw it at you
Why do you even bother?
You only love yourself...

This might be a lost love...are you serious...?!

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party time...I can't bury it
When you aren't here the world is empty

I want to see the next part of my dream
"I miss you Bad boy"
Don't lock me up inside excitement
I'll break

"Lonely in Gorgeous"
I'm Breaking my heart
Where are you Bad boy?
"Lonely in Party night"

"Lonely in Gorgeous"
I'm Breaking my heart
I miss you Bad boy
"Lonely in Party time"

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party night...I can't smile
I don't need anything just be by my side

"Lonely in Gorgeous" Yeah...
Party night
I'm Breaking my heart
Inside of the box of excitement that you gave me
I hold on to my loneliness and I can't move
I don't need anything just be by my side
Kneel and look at me
And swear that you love me

Tommy February6's Lonely In Gorgeous, Paradise Kiss (English)

indecision

i know i can be flighty.

so many things i wanna say, but can't.

commitment. i know i've a phobia to that.

it stems from a certain fear of boredom. it stems from insecurity.

now, i've more or less made more commitments with my life.

except probably the hardest step i can ever take.

but the thing is: am i just a place to lay?

when i'm old and grey and fat, will i still have the allure?

it has a hold, that kinda intimacy, especially for you.

when i can no longer give you that, will you seek it elsewhere?

sure you might never really leave, but would you really be there?

or would you pull a Kennedy?

i need emotional security. i'd rather be alone than be unhappy or insecure.

and for you to ask for such a huge thing: would you be here when the going gets rough and tough? when things go sour, would you stay and work it through with me?

i'm tired of running, but i'm not sure walking's the right thing.


If you looking for a girl that’ll treat you right
If you lookin’ for her in the day time with the light

You might be the type if I play my cards right
I'll find out by the end of the night

You expect me to just let you hit it
But will you still respect me if you get it

All I can do is try, gimme one chance
What’s the problem I don’t see no ring on your hand
I'll be the first to admit it, I’m curious about you, you seem so innocent

You wanna get in my world, get lost in it
Boy I’m tired of running, lets walk for a minute

-Nelly Furtado's Promiscuous Girl-

ohmigod-what crap

i'll be honest.

i haven't been following the news lately. for the past two months, it's been work work work work work...

but the current repeat of the scenario first brought about a decade ago is making me wanna puke.

don't this lao tu kia's know that old MO's no longer work? especially when they've already lost so much support in march.

for fuck's sakes... these are deeply personal attacks now.

and if, a decade ago, people would take to the streets against a big man who hold's about 90% power.... what is a little frail man who is barely teetering on the edge of power thinking of using the same old rules now?

seriously... i really do think we should be kicking these old rats out. it's time we left them to the vultures. let's see what happens when they try a dose of their own medicine.

and to think i had a dream of this last week. >.<

Mortality

A friend of mine from Form 6 passed away last Friday. I was texted this morning that his body will be flown back to hometown today.

Imagine my shock waking up first thing in the morning to a text like that.

I have fond memories of my days in Form 6. Granted, academically, I could have done so much better because I was technically rebelling in my own way, but I had some of the best moments of my life then. Thanks to people like CHH.

He was, by the standards of the time, a rich boy. Not filthy rich like we were accustomed to, coming from one of the elitist 'public-aided' schools, but he was rich. Drove a sports car to school. But if one spoke to him, he had no pretenses of the rich, and was a very nice guy, albeit in the typically Hokkien ah beng guy way.

We were both in the Interact club committee together, and after meetings the entire committee would head off for drinks and snacks before going home. (And drinks and snacks also include at least an hour at the nearest cybercafe playing CS :P) And since I didn't have a car, on some days he'd be the one dropping me off as he lived closer to I did than the other guys. So we'd get in and he'd tell me to strap up because he was going to be speeding. And he did. Hitting above 100kmh regularly. Which by hometown standards was crazy because people there drive at an average of 40-80 kmh tops. 80kmh was FAST.

But hey, he had a sports car and he was a very good driver, so I just sat back and watched the trees and houses and shops swoosh past me as we cracked jokes in the car. Then when he had a girlfriend and we'd troop off into the car together, she'd yell at him for driving so fast at times.

He was a nice guy. Ever generous, ever friendly and ever ready to lend a hand. I suppose it's no surprise that he went off to another state to help his father in his business after he had worked on his own for many years and he passed away doing so. It's just so sad that he left this world so early. He was in the prime of his life and had so much more to look forward to. To pass away in some freak trucking accident from internal injuries incurred during such an accident seems like such a waste and I'm deeply saddened to hear of this, even though we haven't really kept in touch for years.

And here we all are, in our twenties, working our asses off at our respective jobs, thinking, in a way, we're immortal. Thinking there's the promotion and the promotion after that, and marriage and children, and old age to look forward to. Thinking we're gonna live forever. Until a friend passes away. When we thought we would live forever. And it's a slap in the face.

Life goes on, as always. Once the dust is settled on the grave.

But memories linger. And those memories live in the hearts of friends who remembers a life well-lived.

Life is meant to be well-lived. There's more to it than that job, and that house, and that million bucks in the bank. Who's gonna enjoy all that if one dies at 30?

Write a will. Live life to the fullest. Learn from mistakes and regret nothing. Love like there's no tomorrow. Hope like we'll live forever.

Here's to CHH: I hope you have no regrets. Rest in peace. We'll remember you fondly.

the post on verk-full time shit cleaner, part time ******-er.

forewarned is forearmed.

I AM GOING TO BITCH.

there's been wayyyy too much things to bitch about of late, but i just hadn't had the time to.

so tonight, i will just bitch about work.

close friends would know i've got a new job. same line. bigger company. and yeah, i can see myself working here for awhile despite the heavy workload, and considering it's a bigger company, the chances for shitty office politics would be exponential to the size of the company. that's the formula that every fresh grad should've been armed with after leaving university.

but when i went for the interview, i took the offer because:

1. i could feel the winds of change starting to sweep the company. with some tenacity, i would be able to ride that wave. it was the same feeling i had in january 2008 even before the old company ran one of their infamous surveys.

2. this year would be MY year. FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE. if i KNOW i can, i WILL. i can't keep rolling around in life being unsure of who i am and what i want.

3. i happen to LIKE this work. it stresses me out, but it also makes me feel vital and alive.

4. i've had really sucky bosses. remember the one who was sexually frustrated and deprived? yep. too bad he paid my wages. i'd have ground him to smithereens otherwise. the things i said to people i used to date... i swear you don't wanna know. i've also had crazy insecure supervisors. it totally kills whatever motivation and/or passion and/or creativity you have. but at the interview, i sensed that this director may throw me over the deep end and just watch while i sink or swim, and would never take the initiative to guide me, but she would if i asked for help. and she would never hamper my desire for growth. and that's how i work best. and this is one of the main reasons i took this job.

5. for some strange reason.... good things come to me when i least expect it. or look for it. so from what i've gone through... i've learnt to trust the cosmic powers that push things into my lap, and never shoot the goose (that bore the egg) or look a gift horse in the mouth.


so what is it i wanna bitch about? yeah, office politics. surprise surprise.... thank god this is a colleague, and not a boss. if it were a superior, i'd pack my bags and leave. no point staying at a dead-end job.

this is WAR.

what did she do to piss me off majorly?

1. manage a project terribly, and steal me when i'm not brought in for her job.

2. throw a shitty project in my lap halfway through without a proper briefing and expect me to clean up shit.

3. never really answers questions on HER job when i ask her for explanations (remember i was barely briefed, and do not have all the materials) but sends me a really lovely email instead.

4. doesn't provide full information on what needs to be done, and expects me to take the fire on her behalf from the boss and the client on HER incompetency.

5. bitches about me behind my back when the boss tells her off about how badly she handled the project

6. bitches to everyone behind my back when i was complimented for cleaning up her shit well and was rewarded for it.

7. ignores me completely unless it's to do with work ever since.

seriously, i'm obsessive-compulsive, takes pride in what i do because i hardly have a life, and i consider my work an extension of myself, and yes, in some things, i'm a downright perfectionist. so what was she expecting... for me to screw up big time? just cos i'm new and entered a junior in comparison, doesn't mean i've never worked before and would allow myself to be pushed around.

oh yes, i keep quiet and don't say anything. but that's only because i'm no fool. never reveal all your cards until you've found out enough to know which card to pull for whom. fuck you if you think i'm sneaky. i've learnt this lesson the VERY hard way. life has thrown me too many curveballs for me to not take life's lessons seriously.

i may be a hard-head, but i ain't no fool.

i'm no apple-polisher, either, and right now, i just zone out when she starts being nasty... but i have a temper, a nasty one at that, and when i lose it, you won't want to be even a spectator. besides, the director didn't get to be a director by being an idiot. she knows who works and who doesn't.

so i'll just bide my time and wait for karma to come around on my behalf.

**

on another note, i really miss my old friends. we had a mini chat room the other day over messenger. and damn, how far we've come. how far more we have to go. and how the same roots still bind us.

i miss you girls. singapore, sarawak, japan, london, america. there is no glass ceiling. the only limitations we would ever have are the ones we impose on ourselves. we can go anywhere and do anything and reach any height if we wanted it badly enough. we are great like that :) we're fine wine. the real deal. we were gutsy girls and now we're gutsy women.

cheers! 10 years out of school. we did pretty well for ourselves :)

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

-Falling Slowly, Glen Hansard, Marketa Irglova-

Pieces

A fragile mind is always teetering on the very edge of madness.

Today, my new colleague of barely a month or so made an observation about me that hasn't been made in awhile. Perhaps it is true, gay men are more astute after all:

You're too nice. You're a doormat.

I suppose it's true.

Despite my layers of cynicism...
I WOULD LIKE to be proven wrong once in awhile.
I WOULD LIKE to be able to take a person's statements at face value.
I WOULD LIKE to be able to trust someone so completely, I could be spared the worry of being lied to, betrayed and backstabbed.
I WOULD LIKE to be able to be taken for who I am, and not have to worry about being compared with someone and found lacking.
I WOULD LIKE to be able to take someone just as s/he is without worrying about ulterior motives.

But that's not how it works, isn't it?

A young wise friend of mine once said: there's no such thing as true altruism in this world.

And oh! What a jaded thing to say from one so young. But as time goes by, I'm more and more tempted to just, one fine day, pack up everything I have, go into a jungle up in the mountains, and never be seen again.

Because at times, animals make better company than people, no matter how fascinating people can be.

They lack that self-absorbed egocentricism that people have, and which I have had frightening brushes with, in the not-too-distant past. It makes me wonder, at times, what I've done in a past life (if that's your kinda thing) to be such a magnet for people who ultimately end up using me as a psychological/emotional/mental bedrock. And when they think they're about done, they prepare to toss you like a ragdoll.

Thxbai.

After all, what does one do with a well that has run dry?

There's a fine line between fear and awareness.
There's a fine line between genius and madness.
There's a fine line between melancholy and depression.
There's a fine line between confidence and pride.
There's a fine line between solitude and loneliness.
There's a fine line between love and hate.
There's a fine line between life and death.

Thank you for the catharsis.

Randomness.

Pages

It's like I'm living a novel.

Within one page, there's an emotional high and an emotional low in the next paragraph itself.

It makes you go: wtf just happened?

Do I know? No.

I wonder why, somedays, myself. Why am I doing this? Why go to such trouble?

There goes my zen-ness.

Then I remember why. I wanna feel.

So I ask you: Don't you wanna feel too?

Embracing, the thought of tasting,
My mind's elaborate my heart is racing.
I'm waiting to escape in,
A strange reality a page I wanna paste in.
Why don't you hold my hand?

Don't you wanna feel what I wanna feel baby?
La la la la la la la
Don't you wanna feel, what I wanna feel?
Don't you wanna feel what I wanna feel baby?
La la la la la la la
Don't you wanna feel, what I wanna feel?
What I wanna, what I wanna feel, feel!

Surrender, I won't defend ya,
Translation overload return to sender.
Are you mistaken, I won't be taken,
I really want it but I promise I'm not fakin'!
Why don't you hold my hand?

Don't you wanna feel what I wanna feel baby?
La la la la la la la
Don't you wanna feel, what I wanna feel?
Don't you wanna feel what I wanna feel baby?
La la la la la la la
Don't you wanna feel, what I wanna feel?
What I wanna feel, what I wanna feel!

Feel, feel, feel.
Feel, feel, feel.
I really wanna, don't, don't you wanna?
Feel, feel, feel.
I really wanna, don't, don't you wanna?

Don't you wanna feel what I wanna feel baby?
La la la la la la la
Don't you wanna feel, what I wanna feel?
Don't you wanna feel, what I wanna feel baby?
La la la la la la la
Don't you wanna feel, what I wanna feel?
I think I wanna, don't you wanna, uh-huh, yeah yeah!

-Rogue Traders-Don't You Wanna Feel-

Aging and Strange Things

I was about to write: I'm turning 27 on Monday, but I ended up typing 25 instead :P
So what does that tell u, eh? :P

Well, anyway, I digress. I mean to say, I'm turning 27 on Monday. And last night, as I was talking to a friend I've not chatted with in a LONG LONG LONG time due to both of our schedules, I noticed how the topic has changed. Instead of: 'So how is everyone? Any gossip on who's hooking up with who?' it was 'So who is getting engaged/married?'

Eeekkkkssss.... don't get me wrong, I wish the happy couples all the best and all. But but but... the very topic kinda gives me the hives.... I'm allergic. Kinda. See, it's not like I don't wanna get married, it's just that... the idea just seems kinda far away.

And it just seemed to underscore the fact that... and yes, it IS a FACT as I was telling his friend: MY OVARIES ARE FERMENTING :(

Like I said: Well, unlike the sperm, which is constantly reproduced and replenished, my eggs have been there since embryonic stage, and I KNOW it's AGING... I'm wasting good quality eggs and all.... but but... I'm just a little reluctant at the moment to give in to the maternal urges.

I know it's a little selfish, but, there's yet so much to see, and babies.... changes everything. So does getting hitched.

Yes, I'm more than just a little commitaphobic. Yes, it's a strange confession coming from someone who owns a cunt. Yes, in a way... I AM a cunt. Sighs. See, I just feel that I need to get my life a little more in order.

I need a job I can see myself doing.
or
I need to have a disposable income.
or
I need a disposable nest egg.

THEN I'll be ready to procreate.
and spawn little me-s.... :P

When the time comes, be afraid. Be very afraid.

Why? The following post will illustrate this to the max :P:P:P

**

Here I am... and there's a temple performance outside. Well, it's been there for the past 2 days, ever since I got my bitchy ass over here.

What's my problem with it?

I mean, ok, you wanna have a revelry session, but OMFG it's SO FUCKING LOUD. And SO FUCKING LOUSY. Simon Cowell would die and flip and cringe in his grave!

There's a singing dancing session outside weiiii...... Here are my points:
1. It's fucking LOUD. Okay la, if it's good. It ISN'T.
2. Okay la, if it ISN'T good, if the chicks performing were decent. They AREN'T.
3. Okay la, if they AREN'T, if they're HOT. They're NOT. NOT. NOT. NOT.

It's a temple thing, for fucks' sakes..... The way they're dressed.... It's illegal weiii.... I'd be forgiven if I thought they were TEMPLE WHORES.

HELLO??? I remember commenting about how I walk in coffee shops in shorts and baby tees and get stared at by lascivious old men who'd tell their very daughters that getting dressed like that is asking for rape, with my girlfriends before. BIGOTS. But they have NO QUALMS at staring at nubile young things and grinning lasciviously.

Well, these laohiaos are staring and dancing at the nubile young things dressing themselves up like harem girls dancing for a balding pot-bellied old king, dancing lasciviously in sequined bra and panty set thingies baring their mid-riffs from bust-line to hip-line with matching fashion disaster boots and flimsy transparent scarves or feathers draped around their hips at a TEMPLE event.

Tell me that is just so-not-wrong.

If it were a strip club, I'm cool with it. Hell, if it were a CLUB, I'm cool with it. But this! TEMPLE event! In public! With little kids looking on and thinking it's cool, or it's okay to get whistled at/to whistle at underaged girls dressed like whores. Aiyaiyai.... Wrong la. Just wrong.

It's just that... it's just plain bigotry. Fullstop. Double standards. And please, what are we trying to tell people here?

sick

fainted. crapped my pants when i was out. in public. sighs....

psycho says there's never a dull moment with me. but but.... i would, honestly, rather stay in the background most days.

especially that day.

guess it was a culmination of many many bad things. and some highstringing ones.

Random Tortoise Question

A totally random question on a Sunday night:

I wonder:

If a tortoise somehow fell on it's back, with it's feet in the air, if no one turns it back on its feet, would it die of starvation? How would it be able to get back on its feet?

Vindaloo Curry

In one of House's episodes, House's ex-wife described their relationship as vindaloo curry. Spicy, flavourful, exciting, so hot. And you go on eating because it tastes so good until it burns. And then you never want to even look at curry again. Until one day, you wake up, and you just want vindaloo curry so bad.

I wonder if sometimes we're just drawn to people like that. So different in many fundamental ways, and would never come together if not for being drawn that way. And despite both parties' best efforts and good intentions, sometimes it's just best to leave the curry alone.

Because curry will be curry. Curry will never change. If it's watered down, it's not curry anymore.

Digital Love

he hides behind binaries,
copper wires for the win,
makes a place for secret identities,
alternate universe that's unseen.

secret names and secret faces,
alterego to hide behind,
takes him to secret places,
which reality cannot find.

gives him a different mien,
digital caresses in an unkind world,
while reality is a fiend,
virtual lets his confidence unfurl.

lost in a sea of zeros and ones,
happy in a world of make-believe,
careless to the love that would bear him sons,
sending her keeling off a cliff.

she's lost in a world progressively grey,
lost sight of the world she so loves,
a world of sunshine, bright and gay,
with a man she could hold and love.

she's lost in a world that blurs right from wrong,
lost sight of what is true,
he brings the past tense into present form,
makes her take more than she can chew.

she's battle weary, oh is it worth the fight?
one step away from cutting ties,
her heart is heavy, her chest is tight,
she's tired of the little white lies.

Milk

Milk: you can do so much with it. As a drink for the most basic nutrients. Cultured milk. In another drink, eg. tea or coffee. Yoghurt. Cheese. In cooking. Ice-cream that makes people happy. And etcetera, etcetera. All the potential.

Yet once it's tainted there's not much use for it except down the drain. Once it's spilt, there's nothing else to do with it. Wasted potential.

Spilt milk. What's there to do with spilt milk?

An Act of Seven Ages-As You Like It

They say nice girls finish last. And good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. So I wonder often: Where do the imperfect average like myself go then? Which word am I among the pages of the great novel? Which drop am I in the vastness of the waters of the oceans? Which blip am I in the cosmic radar?

Pray tell me, because I'd surely like to know.

Who am I? Say I'm a pawn in the great chess game... then, what is my function? What is my role?

They say all the world's a stage... the men and women merely its' players... they have their exits and their entrances... and one man in his time, plays many parts... his act being seven ages....

Maybe so. If I'm lucky. So what is my role?

Sometimes... I know I'm too choosy, at times. Yet at other times, I wonder if I settle too quickly.

Someone once told me I demanded perfection too much. The perfect man. The perfect job. Is that so? Another told me my idea of the perfect man is one who builds his life around me. But then, wouldn't that bore me?

I want something that will last. Or at least, the foundations of a lasting legacy. Am I foolish to hold on to the notion that I certainly do not expect to be the first, but I would hope to be, like to be, the last? Is that too much naivete? Or is that demanding too little, of myself, especially?

Seven ages... an act of seven ages is a long time. I would want it to be fulfilling.. at the very least.

A Healthy Dose of Skepticism

i know this is old... but this is just a reminder of what could have been.

and also, to remind the new government of their promises to the people. call me jaded, but when it comes to politics, i believe in a healthy dose of skepticism :P

so now, let's see if we can trust the new government of 5 states just that little bit more :)

Life's many contradictions

people ask me: do you look forward to your trip, and my mind comes up blank. because honestly, i'm more worried about the job than anything else. and i think i would only get excited about trips after i've settled jobs.

guess i work that way: i don't particularly like surprises. i normally like to know what i'm pitting myself up against. yes, i'd take risks. but only if i can gauge the odds. and definitely not when it comes to anything of great importance in my life. and only when i'm prepared.

see, i'm like this mule. i look docile, but try to get me to do something i don't want, and u're up against a granite brick. shove, pull, yank, cajole, i won't move a muscle. might as well have been planted, no, ROOTED there.

yes, i'm worried. it's new. and i think i'm comfort eating. :(

****

i miss staying up late and hearing myself. i've so many things i wanna write, but which i've put off to oblivion cos: a) i fell asleep. b) i was unmotivated because my computer is really too slow to run more than 2 apps at one time. c) some things are kinda private, and i'm not sure if it would be wise putting things here.

i guess this poem i memorised when i was 13 would probably sum things up cryptically enough. not sure i remember ALL of it, in it's entirety, or whether the arrangement is quite right. no matter. i think it brings it's point across well enough:

what is this life if, full of care,
we have no time to stand and stare?

no time to stand beneath the boughs,
and stare as long as sheep and cows.

no time to see when woods we pass,
where squirrels hide their nuts in grass.

no time to see, in broad daylight,
streams full of stars, like skies at night.

no time to turn at Beauty's glance,
and watch her feet, how they can dance.

no time to wait, till her mouth can,
enrich that smile her eyes began?

a poor life, this, if full of care,
we have no time to stand and stare.

i can't quite remember what the title is, but i think it's by a w.h. davis.

sometimes, a person can be around, but not THERE, if you know what i mean. like i'm looking at you, but not seeing you. i'm listening to you, but not hearing you. or i'm sleeping with you, but not loving you. like existing, but not living. like buying things, but never using them. like coming to work everyday, but never feeling motivated. like the earth can collapse at your feet today, and all you are going to feel is relief.

life has little meaning, lived that way. there's got to be more to life than just that.

The Post-Mortem... Free of Charge from a Mere Slip of a Weak Female Mind

In every report I've made for you, 1 important issue stands out:

The prices of goods have increased, aka inflation.

Do we need a post-mortem? These reports were done before the elections. Obviously, all that hanky-panky with the housekeeper puts the chief to sleep during the day....

The people do not need flashy adverts during every tv or radio commercial, or in bright-fluorescent lit billboards at every lrt station, or full-page adverts in major dailies to KNOW that although there's been growth in this country, the people are not getting any of it. There's economic growth... and yet there's major inflation. [Which begs to ask, by the way, how much of good, hardworking, taxpayers' money did you spend on campaigning this year? I demand a breakdown of your budget.]

Selamat. Aman. Makmur. I beg to differ, and here are my arguments, based on each propagandic word.

Selamat: Where is it? People get brutally murdered... bombed up to smithereens... but we hardly see justice being done. In the last 5 years... horrible crimes has been committed, especially to women [want me to name names? Here are the few high-profile ones: Canny Ong (in Bangsar Shopping Complex), Normala Samsuddin (in Desa Sri Hartamas) and most recently, Altantuya Sharibuu (in the air we breathe in everyday, cos the poor woman was combusted into dust particles)], and yet, despite our constitution being amended a mind-boggling 690 times (that's close to 700, mind you) in a mere 50 years of independence, RAPE laws in this country has difficulty getting passed. 50 years and counting. No, as a mere slip of a woman, I definitely do NOT feel SELAMAT here... especially when just mere weeks before the election, rempit snatchthieves grabbed my bag in broad daylight in a public area.

Aman: What's so aman about this? In 4 years, my personal experience was having my bag grabbed by rempit snatchthieves in major commercial public areas 2 times. That's averaging once every 2 years. And the one fucking the duyung on the side wants to absorb these people who refuse to work but steal from the weak into an alternative police force? Letting them take the law into their own hands literally. No. I don't feel AMAN either.

Makmur: Ahhhh..... rising prices of petrol and toll.... leading to rising prices of goods everywhere..... 'nuff said. Mana keMAKMURannya?

The tagline falls short of its' promises. Is it any wonder discerning people choose otherwise? It's been clear from the start. If you choose NOT to see and listen and understand it, then you do NOT deserve the people's mandate.

Historic

As many would know... the results are out.

What can I say:

i've got pseudo-pheochromocytoma :P

it's the dawn of a new era.

it's a HISTORIC moment.

we are finally making a stand, and giving our mandate.

we are standing at the threshold of change.

racial politics is at least 30 years obsolete. and finally, people are starting to know it.

anarchy and apathy is dead.

it's a REVOLUTION. Che Guevara be proud.

watch out for snatchthievesrempitarmy backlash maychapsastyle, though.

now i can't say much... knowing the crackdown on bloggers... but still... i HAD to say something :)

Many months ago, I was talking to two of my best girlfriends, till the wee hours of the morning... and we were predicting this. it's been long simmering, brewing... and we've been needing such a change for a long time, though. young people of this country is beginning to speak up for change, and i couldn't be happier.

it's a historic moment. but let's not forget the sacrifices we've had to make to get here, and let's not rest on our laurels. the story is just only beginning. let's write us a good one.

Pingpingpinging Myself Into Oblivion

I'm wondering if... I should learn to not wear my heart on my sleeves as much, if I should learn to keep my distance a little more...

That way, at least, I would be less dependent.

I'm tired. Of so many things. Guess it's time out.

Ping ping ping ping ping.........

Unfinished

There are times when you come to mind.

And I wonder about what you're doing and how you are. And yet I never pick up the phone to call, in fact, I might have forgotten your number now. Funny, because only recently, I still did. Someone asked me if I have mental blocks. And I wonder if you're one of it.

And I wonder, too, what it would be if we were still talking.

I wonder about the what ifs, what could bes, and what might have beens.

I also wonder, what we would say to each other if we ever do cross paths in the future. Would I recognise your face if I see you again? Would you remember me? Would we pretend we didn't see each other and walk away? Or would we stop to say hello, even stop for a drink for old times' sakes?

I've no business wondering. I did force myself to forget.

And its strange that, almost always, invariably, the memory of you visits me when I'm at my saddest. When episodes of my life flashes before my closed eyes like seasons from a sitcom. So clear it was almost like yesterday.

In a way, perhaps, you're one of my regrets, if I have any. Perhaps because between you and I, its unfinished business.

So many things left unsaid, so much emotions left unspoken, so much left unexplained.

Although, I could, in a way, conclude from the lack of communication, a form of closure in itself, still, it's different than hearing it from you.

But perhaps, that always was our issue in the first place. You never really did speak much, and for myself, then, being young as I was, neither did I.

Henceforth, I promised myself that I would speak my mind, at whatever cost, because when it comes to you and I....

I just regret how things turned out.

Change

I moved house.

I quit my job.

Now seems to be a time of great change for me. Yes, I've changed jobs many times, moved house even more times. Normally it's job then house. But this time feels different. This time it's the other way around. And this time... feels like I'm setting up roots. Well, I hope this feeling is a premonition for greater, better things.

Perhaps it's consolidating. I'm not sure how to put it. I just know that the time is right, and I'm stabilising myself. How do I know this? I see the signs, and my heart feels at peace. For the first time in a very long while.

I've prayed for this moment for many years. And through my mistakes and my many trials and errors, I think I roughly know where I stand now. As I was telling a friend, I feel God's guiding hands making this decision in terms of career path. It would be a lot of hard work, but hopefully the lessons learnt will be the ones that guide me in future undertakings.

After all, nothing in life worth having comes easy, no? We all have our crosses to bear. And really, I have come to understand that God, in infinite Wisdom, never gives us more than we can carry at any one time. How did I come to understand this? Slowly.... over many bitter episodes, and much contemplation over many years.

So yes, I'm still running the good race, still keeping the good faith. It's a long way to go yet, and I've barely just begun.

DRAMAS

Strange how when all is coming to an end... when things no longer matter as much as they used to, I have a strange ability to make a 180 degrees change from annoyed and angry, to civil, pleasant, even.

He was startlingly pleasant, too. Of course, initially, he was condescending. But when I had proof, he didn't believe it, and called up his friend. When I was proven right, the next thing you know, he was downright ass-kissing. Hur hur hur.

So I smiled back. Said my pleases and thankyous. I was so sweet you could get diabetes. Because the cards are in my hands now. So I suppose I could afford to be gracious. :P

Sigh. It's a lil hard to leave the old man behind. He was a good teacher. But because he's rarely around nowadays, and I really can't stand the slp, I figured there's no point for me to stay.

So leave I will, all the lil dramas, like the one he pulled today.

He called early in the morning while I was on the way to get me to print something. First the office, then the handphone.

Yes I printed it. He called again, half an hour later, to the office, to make sure I was in, and to ask if I got the message.

At 11am, he called again, to inquire if I'd printed and bound what he wanted. Oh I was very pleasant.

Then at 1130am, this girl went to take a dump. He came in, walked into my room, found no one there and this drama ensues:

SLP: Where's ****?
Colleague: In the toilet, or the pantry.
SLP walks to pantry and comes back: She's not in the pantry.
SLP whips out handphone to call me. Phone was in the toilet with me (cos he checks on my stuff). Phone rings while I was taking a dump. I ignore it.
SLP: I'm calling her handphone but I don't hear it. Where is it?
SLP searches for my handphone at my desk.
SLP: She went out, didn't she?
Colleague: No, she went to the toilet, I think.
SLP: Her handphone should be here. Where's her bag?
SLP looks around for my bag to search through it.
Colleague freaks out and says: I think she's in the toilet.
SLP: Where's her bag?
Colleague: I don't know.
SLP walks to the toilet to look for me.
I come out of the door and he comes towards me, the phone ringing in my pocket. Over and over.
SLP: I was looking for you.
SLP stops calling.
Me: *looks him in the eye (he's a short guy, I'm almost level to him* I. WAS. TAKING. A. DUMP.
It must have hit home then how ridiculous all that was cos he said: Oh... it's alright then. Where's the report?
Me: On your table (*if you cared to look rather than worry about where I was*)
I walk off as he pretends to use the loo. He was back in a moment.

In that short period, I had 2 missed calls from him.

Tell me he's not insane.

Every Creature's Prayer :P

i have a thing for fantasy art... they kinda take me into another world. it's liberating, and stress-relieving. :P yes yes. i is weird.

here's something i found on the net while browsing for stress-relief. some of you may like this. i, on the other hand, feel a weird connection, so i saved it :P

and here's a poem/prayer i kinda hijacked randomly from the net and modified:

As I trudge along this weary path,
My spirit constantly battered and bruised,
My feelings low and dismal.

Make me strong in spirit,
Courageous in action,
Stalwart at heart.

Let me act in wisdom,
Conquer my fear and doubt,
Discover my own hidden gifts.

May I turn what now seems negative,
into positive light and energy.

May I be a beacon for others,
As we share this life in all its drudgery.

May my feet be so firmly placed on the path,
that no boulder is too high,
nor crevasse too deep for me to conquer.

Finally, give me joy in my destiny,
confidence in my spiritual heritage,
and joy in the striving and the doing.

~ inspired by a prayer from Abby Willowroot

Cannonball

as i'm considering new career options.... and a friend asks me what is it i look for, i realise, i'm a builder.

i want things i can build with. in my mind, with my hands. i grow as i grow other things too.

destroy and build. build on artifacts. use artifacts for building.

i'm a builder. somedays i really think that sucks.

i was walking around waiting for a friend on Saturday... and a song i haven't heard for at least a year came on. my favourite among damien rice's, btw.

funny. mr rice always had the capability to make me look at myself and cry.

and the phone rings. and it just seems so apt. sometimes irony is so thick u wonder if u're living a play.


there’s still a little bit of your taste in my mouth
there’s still a little bit of you laced with my doubt
it’s still a little hard to say what's going on

there’s still a little bit of your ghost, your witness
there’s still a little bit of your face i haven't kissed
you step a little closer each day
still I can´t say what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love, it taught me to lie
life, it taught me to die
so it's not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball

there’s still a little bit of your song in my ear
there’s still a little bit of your words i long to hear
you step a little closer to me
so close that I can´t see what´s going on

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to lie
life taught me to die
so its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannon..

stones taught me to fly
love taught me to cry
so come on courage, teach me to be shy
'cos its not hard to fall,

and I don't want to scare her
its not hard to fall
and i don't want to lose
its not hard to grow
when you know that you just don't know
don't know....

~damien rice's cannonball~

An Entire Generation of Love Children :P

Wednesday, 23 January 2008. 1608 hours.

Can u believe it's 3 weeks into 2008 already?

It's a wonderful Wednesday, and it's wonderful cos it's a holiday :P

AND my cranky computer decided to be nice today and allow me to type. The 8, i, k, and ',' disappears when he feels like it. :( MEN. :P But he been good boyfriend for 6 years already. Good Boy. :)

WHO SAYS I'M TEMPERAMENTAL? My computer is even more so. BLEK.

So I slept till a wonderful 11am today and wanted to go for a massage. Then I remembered my ankle is still swollen. CRAP. I'd be screaming when the 80+ yr old Indo woman starts massaging. If I have a bruise, it'd hurt worst than breaking a hymen. DAMMIT.

So I clean room today. Well, I TRY :P

Heh. :P Well, I'm cleaning out the files in my computer. Some. :P And I discovered some songs I haven't played for years.

Like an entire album of Barry White. Mmmm Mmmmm :P Nice. Now if only it were night and raining :D Make that a thunderstorm. I swear the man is personally responsible for at least an entire generation of love children. HAHAHA....

I wanna go home. Gah...

I need part-time data entry clerks. :( Who's free, gimme a call. The more the merrier. I can go home, then :D

p/s: WOMEN CAN EJACULATE!! Coolios :P

Listening to: "i'm your midnight angel, i'm a freak, ooohhhh yeaaahhhhh.... i'm a freak of nature" ;) Anastacia is kick ass!

updated:

I CLEANED MY ROOM!! WOOHOOOO!! and the bathroom. and did my laundry by hand. wasn't i such an angel yesterday? didn't eat though. odd. didn't eat the whole day.

On a Detox?

my body talks to me.

no, i'm serious.

i just realised today, that i've been on a vegetarian diet for the past 3 days or so.

now if you know me well, you'd know that i am a crazy meat-eater. i get sodium and protein cravings in the middle of the night when others get sugar cravings.

i'd die if i can't have my beef, and my mutton, and my pork. i rarely touch chicken nowadays, by the way. UPM put me off chicken almost entirely. except roast chicken. a well-roasted chicken is a feast :P

i think of what to eat tomorrow before i go to sleep at night. i know. other people wonder what to wear.... i wonder what to eat :P

so it was to my own shock that i suddenly realised over lunch today, that i've been eating vegetables, and no meat for the past 3 days.

it's like my body is telling me to detox on it's own. too much cake. too much dairy. too much protein. need spring-cleaning. head for the vegetables. keep away from the meat.

maybe it knows it's getting too plumpy :P

Wow... Interesting Case of Leukaemia

The twins who unlocked the secrets of leukaemia

British girls are behind dramatic breakthrough in medicine

By Steve Connor, Science Editor

Published: 18 January 2008

A study of two identical twin girls has led to a new understanding of the causes of childhood leukaemia and could revolutionise the treatment – and possibly prevention – of the potentially lethal disease. The detailed investigation of the two British girls has, for the first time, enabled medical researchers to track down the source of the cancerous stem cells in the blood that can lead to leukaemia in the first few years of life.

Olivia and Isabella Murphy, aged four, from Bromley in Kent, have provided science with an astonishing insight into the nature of leukaemia because of the highly unusual situation where both of them are at risk of the disease but only Olivia developed it.

Scientists believe the findings will enable them to develop better treatments with fewer and less serious side effects. It could also help in the search for the ultimate cause of the condition, which is newly diagnosed in 500 children each year in Britain.

Olivia and Isabella share the same genetic mutation to the blood-forming cells of the bone marrow, which must have occurred during their time in the womb because neither of their parents was found to have the same mutation.

However, only Olivia went on to develop leukaemia because she was unfortunate enough to have suffered a second mutation after birth, which triggered the onset of the cancer.

Scientists believe the mutation in the womb – which occurred in one of the foetuses but was passed to the other via circulating blood cells – caused both girls to be born with pre-cancerous stem cells in their blood, which predisposed them to leukaemia.

However, Olivia suffered the critical second mutation after the twins were born. That led to the development of the full-blown blood cancer which had to be treated with chemotherapy drugs that stunted her growth and led to a serious eye infection.

It was that difference between the two girls that enabled the scientists to locate the pre-cancerous stem cells in both children and then to figure out the sequence of genetic mutations.

Isolating the pre-cancerous stem cells from Olivia and Isabella, who will be five next month, could prove pivotal in the further understanding and treatment of childhood leukaemia, said Professor Mel Greaves of the Institute of Cancer Research in Sutton, Surrey.

"We suspect that these cells can escape conventional chemotherapy and cause relapse during or after treatment. These are the cells that dictate disease course and provide the bull's eye to target with new therapies," he said.

Olivia has successfully undergone treatment for leukaemia and is in remission. However, she is blind in one eye caused by an infection after her time on chemotherapy, which affected her immune system.

Her mother, Sarah, 35, said Olivia's treatment had affected her growth and her hair had become curly, but it had at least cleared many of the pre-cancerous blood cells identified by the research team.

She said she was worried about Isabella."Olivia is almost clear but ... Isabella still has a long way to go. They said the cells might die off naturally but obviously it is something which is hanging over us," Mrs Murphy said.

"It is quite hard but we have always tried to remain positive, although that is easy to say. It would be very hard to have to get through it twice but we are trying not to think about it too much."

Professor Greaves, whose study with Professor Tariq Enver of the Medical Research Council's Weatherall Institute for Molecular Medicine at Oxford University is published in the journal Science, said the genetic mutation found in the pre-cancerous stem cells of the twins was caused by the merging of two genes known as TEL and AML-1.

When the scientists inserted the hybrid TEL-AML-1 gene into human umbilical cord cells and inserted those mutated cells into mice, the mutated cells became self-renewing with the animals' bone marrow, just like they are in children such as Olivia and Isabella.

"This research means we can now test whether the treatment of acute lymphoblastic leukaemia in children can be correlated with either the disappearance or persistence of the leukaemia stem cells," said Professor Enver of Oxford University. "Our next goal is to target both the pre-leukaemic stem cell and the cancer stem cell itself with new or existing drugs to cure leukaemia while avoiding the debilitating and often harmful side effects of current treatments."

Bruce Morland, a childhood cancer specialist at Birmingham Children's Hospital, said the study brought scientists one step closer to the "holy grail" of identifying leukaemic stem cells.

"By determining the characteristics of the leukaemic stem cells it is ultimately the hope of clinicians that therapies can be specifically targeted to the leukaemia, thus sparing the patient from some of the significant side effects of conventional chemotherapy treatment," he said.

Most common childhood cancer

500 new cases of childhood leukaemia in UK per year

1 in 3 of all cancer cases among children is leukaemia

50 percentage of all cases affecting under-five age group

80% survival rate of commonest form (acute lymphoblastic leukaemia)

55% cure rate for acute myeloid leukaemia (which accounts for 1 in 4 cases)

1 in 10 survival rate in the 1960s

0 survival rate pre-1960s

1.4% rise in in childhood lymphoid leukaemia cases in Europe from 1970 to 1999

45.6 per million number of cases among black children in the US during the 1980s and 1990s

27.8 per million number of cases among white children in the same period

50 per million number of cases among Hispanics living in California

~The Independent, UK~

the hokkien-speaking boys in school would've called this: bin kana pao....

in form 6, the hokkien-speaking boys had a term: bin kana pao (face like pao). it kinda means being in an embarrassing situation... why pao? i don't know. doesn't matter... i found myself in a 'pao moment....'

for the 3rd time in less than 3 years, i fell down in the lrt station... during peak hours.... with a lot of ppl milling about.....

this time.... was a classic, even by my terms... if i may say so myself.

lil ms clumsy... fell down... in a skirt.... u know, those billowy kinds, slightly above the knees. and FLATS. AGAIN... why she always falls in flats, but never heels, she would never know.

she fell... down the ESCALATOR. about 8-10 steps. kedunk duunk duunnnkkk KEH-DUUUUNNNNKKKKK!!!!!

OOOWWWWWWWWWW.......

thank god she had a huge ass to cushion the fall.... too bad the ass wasn't made of steel.

the anatomical casualties: the ankle (now she walks with a slight limp), the calve, the thigh, the butt (cos she landed on it) and the palms (to break her fall).

yes, there were a lot of ppl, no, she did not know if anyone laughed.... cos she limped away as fast as she could as soon as she was able....

she hopes she's hit her quota of the year for embarrassing falls....

a rant worthy to acidify your gawddarn eyes....

here's the thing:

work is a lot like a partner to me. cos both have much in common... therefore, my attitude to both, is pretty much the fucking same.

i spend approximately 70% of my waking hours working. or doing something relating to work. like bloody travelling to and from work.

therefore, i surmise that the job better be fucking worth my fucking time. (fucking as an expletive here, cos dammit, if i were fucking, at least it were pleasurable. niasing....)

so explain to me again, WHY i must enslave my cute ass, and spend 70% of my conscious hours, on something that sends my blood pressure shooting up in a MOST UNdesirable way, and makes the fine blood capillaries on my face and chest burst, therefore causing me to suffer from purpura? WHY?

why should i work for a moron who says he would issue me a letter (when the other colleague was busy on the phone) cos he discovered three bread knives on my desk 2 days before, and i couldn't explain why it was there? (i genuinely don't know!) not because of my performance, he couldn't fault me for that, but because i gave him an inane answer. HELLO? inane answer for inane question, no? and he tells me he wants to find a gf JUST LIKE ME..... PPTTTUUUUIIIIIIII!!!!!!!! AS IF!!! and i'm the Saintly Mother Theresa of Calcutta!!

for me, it's a simple thing. if i'm gonna spend a majority of my time doing something, or with somebody, that thing/ person has bloody got to be worth my time.

70% of every goddamn sacred day of my goddamn life IS A LOT OF TIME SPENT. therefore, if it's not worth it, it means a LOT of TIME WASTED.

like a man (since i'm a hetero female): if like granny, i live to my 80s, therefore, i'd be spending 70% of THE REST OF MY LIFE with someone. he better be worth my time. cos 70% of the REST OF MY LIFE is a LOT OF TIME to spend being disgustingly MISERABLE if he isn't.

so does that answer some ppl's questions on why i was bloody single for sooooo bloody long? the answer is simple: i ain't got no time to waste on fucking morons.

my time is important to me. better have good sex solo than bad sex with a bunch of left-footed monkeys. meaning: i rather do certain things alone than do it with a bunch of time wasters.

i fucking need a new fucking job.

entertaining myself....

had some time to visit blogs today.. well, more like i found me some time :P

and hey, i'm glad i did.

apparently, davi went to italy, and those 'enterprising' italians actually had a calendar of hot priests... e.g. as below. now if my priest looked like that, i don't think i can help it but drag myself out of bed every sunday, even if i had to wake up at 530am. forgive me, Father, i know i be sinful, but ur instrument is too lustworthy :P (sorry, baby, but i know you check out hot chicks too! :P)

i mean, girls, wouldn't you?

i see i have something else to lube my fantasies now... among other things :P

and then.... again from davi.... trace's fave gesture..... in bread form..... ROFLMAO!!

while i've been away.....

was away at a WoW house... where all the comps are always in fully-utilised mode, so i didn't have much of a chance to blog despite my wanting to write about several things.

things are in full swing now that i'm back at work (:() but i still really wanna blog about the horny politician.

so an em-ian minister pulls a clinton.... and is considered a HERO cos he 'apologises' about it in public.... though how it's called an apology is beyond me.

what about it irks me?

statements such as 'she is a PERSONAL FRIEND' (hohoho) and 'unsure whether it was old or new'... right....
and his 'next course of action' has yet to be decided: 'I will think about it after meeting the press.' (and fucking 'em female press ppl silly? they're all personal friends)

and then the police are coming down on those who own/distribute the DVD.... HUH?? it's an offense... right...

here's the thing: if he were an opp leader, he'd be crucified downside up by now. and subject to all forms of verbal and what-not abuse on his character...

and really now, his being recorded fucking a 'personal friend' silly should be ample proof of a lack of moral credibility, and he should step down from politics gracefully.

even Clinton would probably have done so if such proof were circulated around the US of A, in, say, Arkansas.

in all seriousness, my bitterness with the ruling team aside:
i'm not saying it's right to invade one's privacy with recordings and such... it IS. but would there be such a crackdown and hue-and-cry on the invasion of privacy if it were, say, an artiste? or just an ordinary person like you or me? or if it were an opposition leader?

yes, temptations abound. perhaps the marriage has long been dead.... but he is STILL married. is it more right for him to maintain his marriage for the sake of posterity (and because it clouds the eyes of the public, therefore, making it easier to enter politics) and then fuck 'personal friends', or 'not-so-personal friends', rather than get a divorce and fuck 'friends' as a bachelor?

it's one thing to be a single man with a fuckbuddy. quite another to be a married/unavailable man with a fuckbuddy.

if you're a confirmed bachelor/bachelorette who doesn't pretend to want a relationship/emotional entanglement, it's a completely different ballgame than a man or woman who has ties that bind.

yes, he may be a good politician, leader of the people, one who does the duties of his office faithfully. perhaps. but betrayal of trust is betrayal of trust. if he were a good politician, etc. etc. then his error in judgment is one the people of his constituency as well as himself has to pay heavily for. which is very very sad... because in all fairness, he HAS been a good Minister of Health, in my opinion.

but fair is fair. pay for his error he has to. and firstly, he has a lot to make up for. to his wife and children, most of all, if they still mean a lot to him. if his marriage has long been over, then it's perhaps about time he stop the farce and file for divorce. if said 'personal friend' is someone he has long wanted to marry, then do so. it's better than living a lie. and lying to the public.

whether it were just a fling, or an emotional entanglement, is BESIDE THE POINT. it doesn't make his behaviour any more RIGHT. in fact, an emotional entanglement, makes it even sadder. because the poor woman AS WELL AS his poor wife has to suffer in silence for such a LOOOOONNNNGGGGG time. how idiot politicians interviewed in the papers (http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2008/1/6/focus/19931882&sec=focus) can make one less 'sinful' than the other just shows how SHALLOW and SUPERFICIAL some people are. and how they hold DOUBLE STANDARDS for different groups of people.

yes, after marriage, you may still meet another man or woman that you fancy. but is it RIGHT to pursue both at the same time? marriage is a CHOICE. it is a COMMITMENT. it means choosing to fuck one vagina or one penis for the rest of your fucking life (pun intended). it means keeping yourself emotionally, mentally and physically LOYAL to ONE PERSON until you die (or the marriage gets dissolved). it means RESPONSIBILITY and ACCOUNTABILITY.

like a job: if you're working for someone, you may still find another job that you fancy. should you pursue both at the same time too? certainly not. you WOULD get fired. and you WOULD receive disciplinary action. but in marriage it's ok? shouldn't you suffer the same fate? isn't a person's tie to another person more important than a person's tie to a job? both are COMMITMENTS. why is one less important than another?

in an ordinary citizen, such behaviour is wrong. ordinary people suffer censure for it. in a politician holding office, does that make it OK? certainly not. perhaps we should make all politicians who say stupid things like that step down as well. because i'm deeply ashamed to hear such idiocy coming out of the mouths of our elected MPs.

but in all sarcasm for the ruling team:
perhaps i should join the party too, so i could fuck around with 20 year-old male gigolos at 50 and call them personal friends. and then still arrogantly say that i'm unsure about how old the tape was, just so ppl will think i 'masih bocor' at 50.

seriously. this place is going steadily downhill. it makes me sick.

the self-aggrandizement and egocentricity of emian politics and politicians sickens me. this just epitomises such disgustingly low-life behaviour.

and the datin.... what the fuck? 'trying to pull a hillary?' was the first thing i told the boy when i read the papers.

i swear by God's footstool and by the heavens, if the boy ever pulls a 'datuk CSL' on me, i'd:
a) call the courts on him and get him crucified.
b) empty his savings and make them MINE.
c) tie him up to a chair next to his own bbq pit, build a slow fire, cut up his stomach with a katana (yes, trust me, i know ppl who collects swords as a hobby), pull out his intestines slowly and start slowly roasting it over the slow fire (while he's still alive, yes...) while:
d) getting several HUGE-ASS STEROID-ADDICTED IRON-PUMPERS in gimp-suits to gang-rape his ass..
e) get all my friends to make a recording of said unwilling homosexual orgy
f) distribute said recording for FREE
g) carve some curses into his sorry penis with a blunt apparatus
h) castrate said sorry penis with said bloody blunt apparatus
i) by the time all that is done, if he isn't dead yet, he'd wish he was.

i know he reads my blog :P and i know that the above was a resurrection of my coldly graphic male-bashing a la Sixth Form. yes, i knew precisely why most guys feared me. i know. there's prime example there. well, i don't care. all the better for him to know that he shouldn't humiliate and cross me that way unless he wants to be tortured and killed slowly and painfully and even more humiliatingly.

but he's an intelligent man :D with a past of his own. i'm sure he knows better ;)

Fire and Heat

they say if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.

but what does one do when you want the food?

so badly that you'd brave the fire for the food?

one can only wish that one does not kill oneself in the process.

so, tell me.... where can i find fire repellent clothing?

Subconscious

it's one of the few times in her life when she could honestly say she was at a complete, total loss.

she wasn't sure what to say. what to do. what to think. even what to feel.

because this time it was different. and complex. and a dilemma in every sense of the word.

because it's not like no one gets hurt. it's just that it's no one's fault that it happened.

no one was to blame, and she knew it.

so what's there to do? what's there to say?

for hours and even days after that, she pondered the situation.

why did it hurt her? how does she feel? how would it change anything now? how to make things work?

funny how a slip of the subconscious could bring all the old insecurities to the fore, and cast new ones. was she good enough? smart enough? pretty enough? funny enough? kind enough? honest enough?

how to say what happened? how to bring voice to the nagging, unkind doubts turning cartwheels in her mind?

how to put all those aside, and just silence everything? stop everything? just take stock of what she had and work with it?

hopefully, this time around, with patience and honesty and kindness, and a lot of good, hard work, things would turn out for the best.

yet she still fears.

A Toast to 2007. A Drink to 2008

2007: A year with many blessings in disguise i suppose. When it comes to 2007, i suppose the best way to describe it is this: we can prescribe, God decides. In BM: manusia merancang, Tuhan yang menentukan.

I'd like to think I have matured much from 2006, in 2007, but i can't really say. I think i've wisened up a lot though, but that's just a personal perspective. I know i hit a really low point, n clawed my way out of there, but i think i gained a lot of personal strength from that chain of experiences.

There was much to be thankful for. Met many new good friends, got a job i'm pretty happy with, minus the crap slp :P met someone i'm happy to be around with.

Many little happy things: good conversations with friends, sharing happy moments, sharing unhappy moments. Knowing who your real friends are when bad things happen. Sharing good times and good news with those good friends :)

So here's a toast to 2007, and a drink to 2008!! Hope next year is a much better year for everyone!